3 Too Many

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

Well woke at 4 am due to pain then 4:30 then 5-6 am, and finally managed to get some rest. Body sleep robbing pain. Uses the dark of the night to fleece you of sleep and drain your senses. So consequently very tired now. Woke about 7:30 and got ready to face the day. Busy one in-store today. Manage to not be feeling nauseous thankfully something is on my side! Have some breakfast then we hit the road. Going to the museum today with the boys. Wee head into town and meet with Jane and John. Have a look around the place then go and get some lunch.

Sorry about yesterday’s rant. And big thanks to those that sent messages of support – it really helps knowing you’re there and just been able to contact you when the going gets tough – not that I contacted anyone but those who checked in on me know who you are. I’m now in a better frame of mind and no humans were harmed in the writing of this or any other blog. I just have to vent how I feel sometimes and if it is through this medium then it has to be better than acting out. To be honest about today and how I am feeling, it could be classed as happily sad. I’m happy and in a good place but sad is how I feel deep inside. This really doesn’t make sense, does it? I have been dwelling on a lot about just how good a person have I really being? What have I done to hurt people and how many times has it been all intentionally. What could I have done better to help people.what could I have done to change my life and that of others? So if I have hurt you in anyway then I am truly sorry. If you deserved it then long may you continue to suffer. And for all those that have wished bad or nasty things on me- bring it on MoFo, cause it can’t get any worse than this. Well I guess sad has just really given way to angry – hmmm!!! Could be an interesting night.

Quiet arvo then not doing much. Feeling very tired and drawn now. Manage to stay awake though during the drive home. Have a small dinner as nausea is back and eating is out. Watch TV and have a chat about things, blog and then bed time as another early start and really starting to hurt now. M&D as I think I could manage one today. Could really do several Jim Blacks but won’t while the Chemo hangover is still present. Hope all have had a good Monday and its not to busy. Take care. Another short and sweet one tonight, but I promise that Wednesdays blog will be an epic one. Wait and see. Till then it’s Good night from me and its Good night from him – Good night.

Kia Kaha.

“Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change –  this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear,  clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.” – Bruce Barton

Pain – yes. Aches – yes. Broken sleep – yes.  Its going to be a quick one tonight folks as wrong Attitude – yes – is also there!!  I am so bloody over the day after bloody day of waking like this – 1 f’n day is all I ask for before it ends, to be a full sleep, no waking for any reason, and then waking without pain, and have a great good day, without any side effects, crap or anything else that life can throw at me arriving to spoil it.  Unfortunately as you may have gathered this was not to be today!  The Chemo is still impacting on me even though I finished it on Friday, and will continue for several more days yet.  Up early as off to the zoo today and want to make a full day of it.  So no cuppas in bed – just meds swallowed and through the shower.

The boys are playing up merry hell this morning, which is tiring in itself.  Eventually all packed in the car and get there in time to meet the others.  Have a good full day and have a nice picnic lunch – even manage to eat a little bit.  Then say good byes, and hit the road to home.  Had some peace from the boys at times while at the Zoo but home again and they’re at war again – ahh God give me the strength to resist sending them to you!!

As you may have gathered I am not in a playful mood today – in fact it could be said that I am in the mood for burning bridges, telling people what I really thing of them and not give a flying one about the consequences as I’m in a position of not really having to care, I only have to put up with the fall out for a short time.  I’ve also, unfairly, had a practice run on the family this morning.  Oh yes and the forked tongue is out and lashing those nearby.  Any takers out there?  Actually manage to calm it and be civil bordering on nice for about 4 hours.  Also stupid me forgot to take my high strength pain killer that I have to take every 12 hours with me.  And they are due at 10:30am!  Don’t get to take them until 5:30pm.  So spend most of the day gritting teeth and sucking up pain from everywhere!  Bloody cancer – do this to me and still get to win the fight too.

Have I ever told you that not only does is suck and scare the crap out of you having cancer (I think I hide the scared bit well, as you don’t need to know or see it).  But when it is Terminal, every bad day, especially from now on, becomes a day of deciding if the quality of life I have is worth the continued punishment that you have to endure.  It still messes with my head that I am making myself so ill just to get a little ‘better’ though I use that term loosely, but the ultimate is to buy some time off the cancer, so I’m here to annoy you all a bit more.  But it’s not just the pain, it’s the shitty attitude swings that come along with it.  Happy one minute, then foul tempered the next, then back to sad, then maybe absolutely ecstatic.  Not always does it happen like this, as you get the happy day where nothing will phase you, then days like today’s – finger at the world and bring it on.  I was going through this last night – happy then, sad then happy, then bed mood, then happy, then really bad mood later on when I woke one of the times.  Thankfully no one  was there to deal with that one, cause I had gone past seeing red to everything being black.

Well one day I won’t be worrying about mood swings, pain or blogging, what clothes shall I wear today or anything like that.  You can all go back to your lives – blog free.  I’m not saying soon, but it is the reality of it.  And in a way I’ll be glad as it means an end to watching the pain that it is causing people along the way.  It is just so bloody hard to even begin describing what it is like been in this position, know that it has only one outcome.  One day I’ll find the right words to describe it.  I know I have tried but unless you can go the whole hog and place yourself completely and utterly in my shoes, then I think you will not even be scratching the surface.  I some times wake thinking that I have just had the most bizarre dreams until I run my hand over my head and feel the hole in it.  That is a hell of a reality check and wake up call.  If you want to try to imagine it, also throw in the mix of things to factor, checking your life insurance is all up to date, where do you want to be buried, cremation or burial, how you would like the funeral to go, pall bearers, coffin type, and party afterwards (after all the first 3 letters of funeral is fun, and it is a celebration of life and how that person lived, and the sharing of memories with each other).  OK so you could just take the easy way out and leave it to others to sort out for you – but you have been gifted this extra time to allow for you to lift the pressure off those that will be tasked with this, and also they have done enough work in supporting you already and will be emotionally, mentally and probably physically drained.  Wouldn’t it be nice to know that your one last gift to those people is knowing they just need to make a couple of phone calls, and it will all fall into place for them, so they can get on starting their new journey in life easily.  Maybe it’s just me showing the caring side and thinking of others, but unless I do it, I doubt I would rest in peace, so to speak.

Rightly enough dribble – I feel so much better for it though so thank you for enduring with the ramble and a half tonight.  Manage to eat a medium sized dinner and feel better for everything.  Probably lack of food has not helped things at all.  Then  sit down to do the blog – really was going to skip it tonight as not in a very good place to write, but feel better for doing so.  Hope all have a better day than I and are now having a relaxing time getting ready for the week.  If you’re in Canterbury then remember it is a short week – yahoo!!  And Mark- I don’t think you could smuggle a new Jet-Ski past Kylie (all I can picture is the guy in the TV ad trying to convince his wife they need  a bigger boat).  If you’ve text me then I am going to reply to them soon – sorry.  Have a fantastic Monday all.

Kia Kaha.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re thinking I’m thinking because if you think that I think what I think I’m thinking then we’ve got a problem?“ – Unknown

Nausea is the flavour of the night and day.  Woke on several occasions either feeling ill or in pain. Meds don’t seem to be doing a lot for either but then I am that tired I think for once it has worked in my favour as I just turn over and go to sleep again instantly – well almost.  Woke at 7:30 am and had prepared all my morning meds in advance so I didn’t have to get up to take them.  And not feeling like a cup of anything this morning as I really struggle to even have water.  Lay there reading for a bit then eventually get up and on with the day – and it is a beautiful day too.

Jacob has a cold so avoiding him at all costs, as my immune system will be at its lowest almost.  Have a very slow day all round as not wanting to venture to far feeling like I do.  Also feeling very vauge/foggy in the head now so not coping well with that.  Fall alseep in the sun and burn my shins – doh!!  Manage to eat a little just after lunchtime, but it is not sitting at all well.  Starting to feel lousy and sleepy again So go for  walk to get an ice cream and some fresh air. Jacob and I have a fat chat about lots – nice.  Get home feeling a bit better and fold the washing while Jacob and I continue our talk.  Answer some really difficult questions – but it has to be done.  Keep the answers simple and honest.  He is fine and I think it has been well overdue coming.  It also helps me a lot too.  Nausea gives way to vomiting late arvo.  Bugger it!!

Average evening, no dinner as can’t even think about food. Just keep dealing the best I can with the Chemo hangover as I call it. I will rally though and bounce back from this.  Hope that everyone has had a fab day/evening/arvo – and are feeling healthy and bright.  Take care folkly, dokely’s.  Sorry its short today, but really, brain not running on all cylinders and I’m feeling too crappy to write anymore.

Kia Kaha.

“The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.” – Unknown

3 am and all feels sick! Yep the Chemo is at work yet again. Waking wanting to hurl everywhere, but manage to restrain myself.It takes a while too calm down too. And I get back to sleep reasonably quickly. Wake again then at 7 with Jacob stroking my head and asking if I’m ok as I was upset in my sleep. Caring lad that boy. In for another day of pain I think as hurting massively as usual but it is even more intense this time. Get up and make a coffee and take my needs to see if I can restore some movement to my body. Back to bed then to let the needs work their magic, and read the news. Get up and get ready to face the day.

Sit in the sun reading for a bit – just lovely. Then head off. Fairly quiet day, just managing the body and pain levels. Really have turned into a sad existence relying on meds to get me through each day and keep me alive. Not feeling quite as fatigued as yesterday thank goodness as I would struggle with another day like that.It was embarrassing nearly dropping off to sleep in my dinner!

Thanks to everyone whom has passed on their positive energy to me. You’re all so kind and sharing. And thanks for sharing your experience of listening to an inspirational speaker. It sounds like they were excellent to listen to. Not sure if I could ever be of that sort of person, as I’m just a man trying to fight a vicious disease that wants to take away the one thing we all guard to the end – life. And while I am armed with the most modern medicine helping me, I have the most primitive of instincts – survival, as the main weapon. If I was too be honest about it I would say that there is not a lot to do in fighting it but maybe it is because of the support that I have that makes it so much easier, or just that I from the start said that I will continue to be normal as long as possible. But then on reflection it hasn’t been easy as there have been a lot of changes along the way.It is that they have not always happened at once but more that they have happened often in small chunks. One day I hope my boys read this blog and my ramblings and can go right so thats what happened that day or that’s why Dad couldn’t do that now. But I also hope that someone else facing cancer can take some points to and make them benefit their fight.our some one about to take on the fight against brain tumors may go well if he could fight them so well then so can I – that will be the most satisfying thing that I could really think would make me happy. That someone deciding to take on the fight instead of giving in, just from read my rambles. If that’s you and your reading this, then please seriously consider fighting. While even in my case it is a no win situation, the decision to fight was never in doubt. Probably because it is instinctive with me, but because I couldn’t bear giving in and then be able to look people in the eye say Good Bye and know that I’m not prepared to fight to have some more precious time with them. If not for you then do it for others. Show you have Mana and courage. Pain can be managed, and you always have the right to stop treatment if it does get hard. In fact people will respect you more for trying then stopping rather than if you don’t start. And if you’re a friend, parent, relative of a person fighting cancer and they call a halt to treatment, please do not judge them or disrespect their decision especially if you only want them to continue to satisfy a want of yours.

Talking of treatment, last dose of Chemo for this round is gone! A23 day break now then I start the final 5 days. Have a busy day and do lots, so totally exhausted by tea time. Head out to a friend for dinner. Not feeling very good pain wise, and the nausea is building by the hour. By the time it comes to eat food is off the menu. Get home and start the Chemo routine and do the blog.Can’t stomach anything but water, but manage to keep the Chemo down. Avoid Milo tonight so it’s W&D time today. Really hope that everyone’s had day as brilliant as the weather. Those going to the 150 th party for the Southland Times in Invercargill, I really hope you have a fantastically brilliant time. Sorry I’m not there, but are in spirit. Take care and enjoy the weekend.

Kia Kaha.

“How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? ” -François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

You know you’re in pain when you wake up in tears and go to move then realise what the tears are for. Woke at 3 feeling fine, then again at 5:45, hurting so much I could nearly move. So great I’m in for one of these days!

Being feeling a little emotional this week too, as I found down on finding Chemo and the end of the year. I was talking with someone yesterday (whom has fought cancer too) and how they used to look forward to a new year starting and thinking of what wonders it will bring. But after a big year with bad news in it, the outlook is different. It was nice to hear really as it is how I have been feeling thinking as well, and sort of makes you feel”normal” of sorts that the happiness of a New Year starting is overshadowed by the background fear/concern that bad things have will happen (which odd life anyway) but it is a matter of just how bad.2012 has been a huge year for me so far – there is still 11/2 months left! I have yet to face really the reality of finishing all the Chemo in 4 weeks time.you would think that I’d be happy to have it over with and finished. Yes and no is the answer to that one. I have a love hate relationship with the drugs. I love what they are doing in fighting the mofo’s but hate the way it knocks me for a six in the process. Really can’t complain as the previous chemo they used to dose you with was even more harsher on you. I said very early on in my treatment that the Docs said that all I had to do with fighting was take care of myself and leave the radiation and chemo to do their things, and not fight a against what they are doing for me. Easily said but terrible to try to do though I think I nearly have it mastered now. So before the years out I have 2 more things to mentally and emotionally confront and deal with – finishing treatment and facing the end of the year with the hope and determination that it is not my last one, but the background reality that it could be. I am not dwelling on it more pushing myself to see the good of it and gain the strength needed to confront it – I can hear the voice in my head telling me to be strong and positive, so if you have any positive thoughts spare send them my way, as I’ll use/need them.

A quiet start to the day, with not a lot happening. Spend a lot of energy trying to deal with the pain. Head is about a 4-5 and body is about 5-6 with peaks hitting around the 7-8 mark. It is every joint hurting again which is unfair as even my little fingers and toes are aching something wicked, so moving is an energy sapping task. Still manage to have a great day and some fun times. Not a lot to report on though. Absolutely shattered though, and sore.

Have dinner (nearly nodding off to the point Ialmost landed head first in my dinner,about 1cm in it) and sit down to relax, and promptly fall asleep for an hour and abit. Wake then and take on the fight with the tablet while trying to blog. Can’t believe that it’s Thursday over with already. Trust all have indulged in a wonderful day and that the path through has been laid through in feathers and not boulders. Take care be good, and I’ll catch you back here tomorrow – Same Bat time, same Bat channel (remember that from Batman that used to be on at 6 pm on TV2 on Tuesday and Thursdays).

Kia Kaha.

“Last night the creative juices were flowing but today I am merely a vast wasteland of random thoughts.” – Peckeroy

Terrible time getting to sleep last night as feeling yuck with the Chemo. Bloody stuff is out to get me this time round. Guess it had to come though as they say I have been going very well so far and maybe the body has been saving it up to dish it out at the end. So needless to say a crap sleep last night. Very early start today 5am. Cuppa and meds – actually it is now like M&D time in the evening except it is in the morning with a coffee not a Milo so it would be C&M time.anyhow dose up and back to bed to wait for them to kick in. Feeling sick like really yuck sick. Manage to keep it all down though.

Up and get ready to face the day. No work today yippee! Need the day to recover as this is going to be a very very long week otherwise. Catch up with John for lunch and have a great time – thanks John. Sorry that I’m not the best company but feeling crappy. Put on a brave face for appearances – you know some days you just have to wear it. Manage to survive the day though but fading very quickly.

Have a lovely arvo and dinner. Yes – managed to eat something. Then try to do the blog. I say try as technology has conspired against me and the tablet got into a bit of a confused state and wouldn’t start up for about 2 hours! I was struggling to get it going as I am feeling that sore and fatigued that I couldn’t concentrate properly. Finally get it going enough to get something down, but feeling very uninspired today. Most likely caused by the way I’m feeling. Just down day 3 off Chemo one more dose of meds to go at 11. So even though struggling to keep eyes open I’ve got to do I can take meds.

Really hope all have had a brilliant day and its gone support smoothly for you all. Apologies again for the short ramble tonight – will come up with something inspiring for Thursday. Take care of yourselves and others.

Kia Kaha.

“If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.” – Cavett Robert

Well the Chemo kicked in early.  By 12am I was reaching and struggling to get to sleep.  By 2:20am I manage to dose off.  At 2:45am Lachlan woke with a nightmare, so awake again.  Managed to get back to sleep again about 3am.  Awake again at 5:45.  Head thumping.  If I didn’t know better I swear that the Chemo was hitting right on the mark in dealing to these mofo’s, as where the pain in my head was/is, is right where the tumors are.  But bloody hell they hurt.  Head downstairs to get pain killers on board quickly, before it gets away on me altogether.  Body pain isn’t to bad today, so pleased about that.  Make a cup of coffee as Tea is out now due to the terrible taste that’s already back in my mouth.  Get ready for the day and try to stay in a positive frame of mind, as I keep feeling angry, sad, happy, and just down right weird!  Bloody drugs messing with my mind, and I’m not even 9 hours into 5 days of it.

Head off to work and have a very quiet day as I’m trying to stop my head hurting, and also I feel that sick it is terrible.  The nausea is coming and going in waves quicker than a turning tide.  I hate it!  Feel good enough to have a bite to eat and a coffee then next thing trying desperately to hold on to the contents of my stomach.  Manage to last through until Sue collects me about 1:15.  Head straight for home as not in a good way at all.  In fact the Chemo is now kicking in heavily after just 14 hours.  Bloody hell, it is going to be a long tough week or hopefully I’ll do a bounce back tomorrow and it’ll be fine again.  I am also that tired that I’m struggling to say awake.  I manage too though.  Nat and the boys come over to visit and have a coffee.   Then I start on the blog, as I want it done early today as I doubt I would be able to function properly to put anything logical to read.  Watch the Melbourne Cup – Cath backed the winner – well done!

No dinner as nausea is back again so just sip away on a liquid meal, so a dinner of sorts.  Then into my routine for the night.  Hoping that I don’t crash down any further with this round.  Trust all have had a great day – esp. Cath nice win on the cup.  Take care and be bad – really, really bad cause its fun sometimes   Short and sweet tonight as I’m not in a good way – sorry.

Kia Kaha.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.

 I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave bereft
I am not there. I have not left.

– Mary Elizabeth Frye –

There is no quote tonight but instead a quote that I love dedicate to Michael Wallace, friend, team mate and bloody good guy (and fellow Jim Beam Black drinker), whom we said our last good byes to late this afternoon.  I look forward to sharing a Jim Beam Black again with you Mike (hopefully not to soon).  Be at peace Mike.

Another early start to to the day, not sure if its the steroids though I am almost off them now – and will be as of tomorrow.  Up for a cuppa and my meds then back to bed for some reading of the overnight news.  Jacob gets up at 6:15 and decides he should get ready for school, so what the hell.  I get up and join him for breakfast.  We have a great laugh about all sorts of things – what a great way to start the day   Go and wake the others up then as they’re been a couple of slackers and sleeping in.  Get ready for the day and are feeling in a fantastic frame of mind and full of energy.  Jacob heads off to school early and in a good frame of mind too.

We head off to work via Lachie’s school.  Cool stroll into the office dodging the gaga-land sightseers (swear someone is going to get hit by a car some day soon).  Yes the city is broken and fascinating to look at but for goodness sake pullover out of the pedestrians way and also out of the path of the trucks cars and vans that still use the roads of the CBD.  Good day at work, and head off about 1:15 as I have an appointment with the Chemo doctor. 

Appointment goes well and start the second to last round tonight.  10 days of Chemo to go (that is 5 days this month and 5 days at the beginning of December).  Stop by the chemist and get my shopping bag of meds!  Then head home as Craig is picking me up about 5 to head to Mike’s funeral.  Get to the funeral with 5 minutes to spare.  Nice service and good turnout, shows how well respected Mike was.  It was a little tough going at times for me, but manage to keep it together (thanks Dave).  Craig drops me home just before 7:30 (my deadline for eating when on Chemo) and manage to power eat dinner in 5 minutes – 15 minutes later I had a very sore tummy indeed!  Thanks for the speedy ride Craig. 

Quiet – ha-ha, sounds like a war-zone outside been Guy Fawkes – repair a laptop for a friend, watch TV and do the blog.  And try to keep the feisty Molly indoors – bloody cat is wired!! Start my Chemo routine at 9:30, next meds 10, then 10:30 then 11 then bed!  Should have taken enough by bed time to induce sleep!  Well I hope I have.  Sue is sitting here eating chocolate in front of me – the bag!  I can’t have any.

Meant to say that I had a bit of a revelation last night in my waking hours (yes I still wake randomly at night), but it was I don’t like going into hospital.  It is because one day I will be going in there then not going home, the next place after that will be to a palliative care hospice.  The least amount of time that I spend in there the better for me mentally and emotionally.  Though it is not as bad as I make out really – the Nurses are friendly and very chatty.  Was talking with one on Saturday and she had asked me about my cancer and I told her and she was in tears – not a good thing to make your nurse that is working in the Oncology ward cry.  I didn’t mean to do it – honest.  Got to be good to the Nurses as they can make your stay hell or good.  And the food is really good too – no more nasty Kai.

Well that’s about enough for now.  Being a busy day, and emotional, and I am about ready to crash now, but have to wait another 45 minutes.  Hope all have had a great day/arvo/evening.   Take care and catch you all tomorrow.

Kia Kaha.

“The secret to being happy is having a good sense of humour and a dirty mind.” – Unknown

 Nice sound sleep for 6 hours, but woke up at 5:30am ready for the day – just straight wide awake.  Make a cup of tea and take my meds – head and body feeling OK today, which is a great feeling.  Maybe the Cyclizine (anti-nausea) was causing some of the body pains.  I guess we’ll have to watch this space to see if it was.  Then again as I am now on a higher dose of pain killers these maybe now doing there things.  They have said to expect to have to take more stronger ones and probably at strong doses from now on anyway, as the cancer will be starting to have an effect on my general health.  They weren’t specific about how but possibly toxins and chemo residue (this will be in my sytem for about a year from when I finish it in December) will be building up more and causing pains, etc.  Also the steroids have also done their thing and stopped the head pain (they work by reducing the swelling in my brain – after all I do have a couple of extras taking up space so I don’t have any spare room for swelling).  Head back to bed with my drink and catch up on the overnight news on Stuff.  Jacob comes through about 6:30 and we head downstairs. I decide that I may as well seize the moment to to show him how to use iTunes to load music on to his iPod.  Lachlan comes down then about 7:30 and the boys play on the PS3.  I sort through the movies that Shaz has lent me and copy them to my portable hdd. 

Sue finally gets up about 9am and Jacob cook us breakfast of bacon and egg muffins.  Very nice too.  Then we get ready and head off to the US Classic Car show at Woodend.  Have a lovely stroll around some very nice works of art – that is the best way to describe some of these cars.  The money and effort and detail that has been put into them is amazing.  Head off for home about 1 as Sue has an appointment at 2 she needs to be at.  Boys and I stay home, and they play on the tramp instead of driving me mad.  While I attach the answer phone and cordless phone to the wall so that they are no longer cluttering up the breakfast bar.  Sue gets home and we plan to all go for a bike ride, but my stomach and back start to ache terribly so flag the idea.  More pain killers will fix it, but by the time they kick in it’s geting to late.

The steroids have been doing their usual with getting the brain ticking over about lots of things.  Including taking me to some very dark places.  It is not fun but thankfully I’ve managed to bounce back from them and are in a good headspace again.  What I have been thinking about is just really how fortunate I am to have such a wide network of support from many different places around NZ and the world, as well as the awesome support from The Press and Fairfax, staff management and the company’s as a whole.  The support and backing from not just my footy team but the whole Halswell club, and other clubs as well.  I really could not wish or hope for better.  Your strenght of support and encouragement are true feeders strenght that I use in my battle.  I have been thinking about how much harder this fight would be without you all.  We all know the battle is going to be lost eventually and that is when your  strenght will be needed for each other.  I get the easy bit from then on  

A lot of people say that I am doing so well, and on Saturday I had the Nurse and Oncology Doctor both say that to me again.  They checked all my blood results (they took bloody gallons of the stuff off me on Friday including 2 tabasco sauce sized bottles and 5 vials) and said that they could not believe that they were so good.  They said that they were actually better than a lot of normal people, which is encouraging to hear, and makes me feel better about facing the next chemo round.. Maybe I won’t be hit down as quick this time.  The previous round I was borderline on blood levels to do it and I crashed on the second day, the time before that was day 5 and a day in hospital.  Fingers crossed!  I’m just doing the best I can – no special secret diets or pills – just a stubborn attitude and an acceptance that while I have cancer I will not be giving in to it without a fight – this is my body and I did not ask for the tumors so they need to get used to me, and they may have just picked a very hard body and mind to break.  Though on Friday with the tremors and how I felt, I really thought that they have scored a sucker punch and introduced some visible signs/reminders that they were there and very real.  Still look in the mirror most mornings -yes I’m a vain bugger, but after all I’m a Leo so of course mirrors are our friends and fond it hard to believe that I have 3 bloody tumours in the right side of my noggin.  Got to make light of the situation some times else it would get to hard otherwise, so if I make a joke or two about it, then please join in or have a laugh with me as it helps hugely.  Enough waffling for now.  Keep up the good work folks – it is fantastic to have!!  And humbling to receive. Also meant to attach this pick the other day.  The hospital ensured that I wouldn’t get a fine for not wearing a Pinkie wrist band.

Even the hospital supports the Pinkies
The nurses said it is to apparently identify the patients that are known to flurt with the staff (actually its because I’m alergic to some drugs and is a good warning sign).

Still in pain, and eat a small dinner, tidy up then do the blog, stare at the TV do some ironing, and run a scalding bath.  M&D time and bed and rest ready to take on Monday.  Hope all have had a great weekend and the hangovers are not to painful.  I can’t drink as I’m about to start chemo tomorrow, so have to be ‘clean and dry’ else I would’ve happily indulged in a bourbon or 5 last night.  Take care have fun and be careful, as I want to see you back here tomorrow.  Have a great evening/arvo/day.

Kia Kaha.

“You cannot tailor-make the situations in life but you can tailor-make the attitudes to fit those situations.” – Zig Ziglar

Another day in paradise! Not! Quiet night in hospital, probably due to the drugs. They gave me one last night that would make you drowsy and relax you. Finally went to sleep about midnight then woke again at 5am and couldn’t get to sleep again. Bloody pain has hit new levels.Head is about a 5-6 body is about a 6-7. I couldn’t walk hardly which is not good when you’re busting for the loo. Make a cup of tea and shuffle back to bed. Nurse comes in to check on me and disappears to get some pain killers for me. An hour later another nurse in and asks how much pain I’m in, she to then goes to get pain meds. About thirty minds later I go to find the nurse. Both see me and go bigger we forgot about you. Nice to know I made an impact on them meds on board finally but not feeling any better even an hour’s later. In for one of those days I think.

Sue arrives up as the doctors are due to do their rounds soon. Told docs still about an hour away, so hit the shower. The hot water helps easy the joint pain. Back to bed and out of the lovely open back hospital gown. Never been into wearing dresses really Doc arrives and goes over the CT scan results. Good news is that every thing looks good and as normal as can be (and they found a brain in there still). They are convinced that all the issues have been caused by the anti-nausea drug. They have also upped my pain meds to try to make me more comfortable oh and put me on Steroids again – aaahhhh!!! It just shows that you should always check out what you are prescribed. They want me to stay in for the night again then decide that if by 4 pm I’m OK then I can be let home on special leave but if I take a downturn then I’m to return to my bed at hospital. Well that’s the plan anyway. Trouble is I take a downturn and start vomiting. Not good at all. Rest up for a bit and manage to stop vomiting so I’m allowed to leave.no difference in being I’ll here or at home. The boys send me a lovely get well video message which cheers me up.

This has rocked me a bit the hospital visit and why. I was worried that the tremors were a start up of possible seizures but the docs have assured me that they are not. Also they are talking about doing another MRI just to be sure. How could I let a simple drug like that cause the issues. After I normally check them all out and what side effects can be. I can only put it down to having taken it for 2 months solid without anything going on them obviously I built up enough in my system for it to react. Thank you to those t have helped look after the boys while Sure has being dealing with me. It is a huge help having people to call on at short notice. And those that have sent messages of support thanks to as these help when you’re feeling as low as a snake belly. As I said before I’m bloody sick of being sick and getting sick just so I can live a bit longer.  Still won’t complain as I’m enjoying my overtime that I’m in.

Managed to get let home about 5:30. Nice to be out of hospital. I give Joh a quick call and have a catch up. Lachlan cooks chicken burgers and wedges for tea, and does an awesome job of it too. Quiet time at home not doing a lot as out of energy.  Watch a DVD – Angels and Demons – thanks Shaz. Then its M&D time and bed. Hope you’ve all had a fab Saturday and fun times. Take care.  Home now – yay!!

Kia Kaha.