3 Too Many

“A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode.” – Chanak

OK, back to a blog format of old maybe – not sure.  But talk about a crappy, shitty non had restless sleep.  I think I managed to get maybe a long stretch of 1 1/2 – 2 hours in and about 4 hours total.  I just could not stay asleep last night.  I am just in such a horrible place mentally too, so maybe it is just punishment for the soul, to be drawn through the waking days in such away.  The pains are back too – mainly body but, everywhere at times still.  Bloody hell – for all the shit I have to go through still now, this is the new normal.  It is a week today since my little ambulance trip too.  How time flies when you’re having fun – not.  Get ready for the day and we head off to work.  Jacob with me again, as all this and last week.  He is a great helper. 

Have an interesting morning fighting off pain.  Bernard and I go for a walk to restart to see if that helps me, and it does.  Thanks Bernard.  Worked well.  Got the pain killers going through the body.  In a messed up state in the head though.   Really messed up state.  Make it through the morning then Sue collects us at 1:15 and we head for Lachies Orthodontic appointment, then to get me  a blood test, and pickup scripts.  Finally get home and I am fading fast, finding it hard to think, or really even function. Now when I say this I am talking all over. I just can’t make a straight decision, ask me what colour a tyre is and I’d tell you green, if the world is round, it would be, not on my shift, its square that sort of thing.  I am angry, though today not as deeply angry as I have been the past couple of days.  In a way it is surprising I have anyone wanting to be near to me.

I thought that I had gone to all the places that I could have gone when I was first diagnosed, but it seems not.  I am now at a new precipice in life high’s and lows.  It is now that I am really calling into myslef asking why me, what did I do now to make the f’n clock pick up speed?  How can I slow it down again.  Do I just let it happen or do I have to fight dirty against the MoFo’s just to keep my dignity.  They mess with me daily too.  Not  justy mentally but also physically.  I am unsteady on my feet a lot.  In that, I will topple from the waist up not knee down as they expect.  There is talk of needing my walking stick full time now, and possibly getting a walking frame / wheel chair.  Just letting you know in case it happens, they won’t be show stopping shocks really.  I don’t like the idea but if it means that I can safely get around then so be it.  I just don’t know how or where to begin to let you really understand what it is like for me trpped inside this body with these things messing at their free will.  That is how you feel – helpless.  Totally helpless.  Why -what did I really do?  I am facing my mort5ality yet again – once is more than enough for any person, why do I have to do it twice?  I am sick of sheding tears, anger, rage, hate, fear, saddness, thankfully small pockets of happiness.  I fear the night closing in too, as it means that my mind awakens and I start getting drawn into the dark places that shouldn’t be visitied.  I don’t sleep I walk the night in my mind looking at life from new angles, places and areas.  I would like to face the night with the prospect of rest, peace and joy in waking relaxed and ready to face down another day.  I’m not sure really why I am telling you this as it is not a place or way that you should be living either, and would not understand unless you are facing your mortality.  So we will leave it there.   

Walk up to the video store to drop off an overdue movie, and get home needing to crash out as I can’t keep going at all.  Manage to get in just over a half an hour rest and wake feeling a bit better, but the mood is not quiet there yet so maybe pay to stay clear of me still for safety.  Have dinner and do the blog as I can’t face it at night anymore.  Relax watching TV, and have a bath and try my other new drugs to see if they will put me to sleep without feeling overly grotty.  I so deperately need to rest and sleep – please!!!!  Just 1 night!!  Hope all have had a good day and not to many deamons to face.  Take care. 

Kia Kaha.