3 Too Many

It’s daygoing to be a short blog tonight even though I’ve been sleeping for roughly 4 hours, I’m shattered still. I also have to resort to using my tablet to write one handed (and one fingered) the blog due to how much interference Wilson is now running.   He has been an annoying entity since first thing this morning and caused so much frustration at work. I know he is only trying to help but it is causing more issues. I will type up a proper blog soon. I will type up a proper blog soon.

The day started as any other – in pain, sleeping elsewhere and tired from such a restless night sleep. Take the cocktail or meds washed down with a cuppa tea. Seen as I’m awake well before anyone else, I hit the shower first and get ready for the day. The rest of the family start drifting and all make an appearance. I head back downstairs for breakfast. Everyone his the road for school/work after a short while.

Good day at work in productivity terms. In dealing with a random left hand that is obsessed with writing or doing things without warning it is the most frustrating day I have had since about April least year. Wilson is truly back so now begins the exercises and drills needed to retrain the brain about how it is to go. It is at the point too where I won’t risk carrying anything, as he has the habit of just letting go without warning and also I have lost the sensation (fine motor skills) in the ends of my fingers (they just feel constantly tingly). Hence why it is so difficult trying to put on a shoe and then tie the laces. It took many attempts this morning, lots of swearing, and several minutes before I managed, but I got there.

Head for home about 1 pm. Have a quiet arvo as feeling incredibly drained, and emotionally tender. Boys arrive home, both very happy. They’re both looking very smart in their uniforms and also, so grown up.makes me feel very proud. Nice to see and hear them enjoying St.Thomas’ as much as I did. Boys settle into home work then when done some tv and having kicks outside.

Dinner time, then showers and bed for the lads – well I presume that anyway – as I was sound asleep within about 10 mins after dinner. Doesn’t take much to put me over the sleep line. Sue wakes me just after 11 pm. I attempt to start the blog – no chance 20 mins later and I still couldn’t keep my eyes open more than about 1 minute-.- so given in and go to sleep. Wake at 2:20 and make a Milo then finish sort of a blog.  Hope that you’re day went hassle free and was fun filled. Hang in there, take care and relax and rest. Till tomorrow.

Kia Kaha

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller

Went to sleep in bed, woke in lounge on lazy boy   Yep bloody back pain had me roaming the house in the early hours several times last night.  Also I was just generally restless and not in a good head space so to speak. I guess what the scan results could possibly be are bubbling under the surface.  I won’t have any results unfortunately until next Tuesday at the earliest, when I meet with the Oncology Doctor.  Headed down to the lazy boy about 4am and wake at 6:30 in a shock a I don’t remember snuggling up on the chair – doh!!  At least I don’t have to go downstairs to get a cuppa or meds just walk thru the door to the kitchen from the lounge. 

Head upstairs to wake up the rest of the family. Then get ready for the day.  The boys are a bit slow on getting going today, but re soon on their way to school, and Sue and I head via the chemist to work.  Collect a supermarket bag of meds from the chemist – almost embarrassing really. Get into work and have a good day.  David Poulsen stops by the office to have coffee with Bernard, Jono and I- good to see you again David and have a good catch up and laugh.  Having trouble with my left side again, and as such especially my left hand – yes Wilson has returned!!!  It took me about 2 minutes to put on my shoes and another 2-3 minutes to be able to tie them up.  If you remember when all this crap with me started nearly a year ago, and Wilson made his appearance, and I had to fight to win control back over it – well guess I have a fight on my hands – pun intended – again.  It is bloody depressing too as I thought it was behind me, but really knew that one day it would start coming back , but I wasn’t ready for it to come back this soon.  Have got out my walking stick too as a precaution I should start carrying it again as I am very unsteady on my feet at the moment as well.

Sue collects me from work and we head home.  I login to work for a bit more.  Nurse Maude come by for their weekly checkup on me, all good.  They try to cheer me up a bit though that doesn’t really sit well with me, but then I’m not in the best mood today. The boys then arrive home and do their homework and play some footy in the backyard.  We then head over to Dad’s to visit him, and see Sarah and Richard (as they are staying at Dad’s while EQC fix their house).   Head home then for dinner.  Sue heads out for a walk while I try to do the blog and stay awake.  Its a real struggle though, but I manage it.   Hope all has gone well today for all and it has been a fantastic day.  Take carwe all.  Enjoy Wednesday and keep smiling.

Kia Kaha.

“If you feel like doing some work, sit down and wait…
The feeling does go away.” – unknown

Not to bad a sleep tonight for all that it’s worth and especially for what I had anticipated it was going to be like. Guess that shows that you can’t predict each day. Sure would be nice to have 2 days the same none the less. Woke about 1:30 with night terrors. It didn’t take long for my back to add a pain element to it as well (it was like it realised that it was missing out so had to join in). I felt that I was drowning and woke panicked and breathless. I was terribly confused/disoriented as well when I woke and walked into the door and dresser then thankfully come to my senses before I reached the stairs. Headed downstairs for some magic mist spray. I resist the urge to use the new drops as Sue and I agreed that they would only be if she knew I was taking them, and it was an extreme situation. Plus while I have a busy day ahead it doesn’t warrant knocking myself over that far.

Wake at 6:15 am and head for meds, cuppa tea and shower. Working from home today as have a very busy day medically – have physio for broken Pinky, then MRI on my back and head (a more intense scan this time so is going to take far longer than normal – ah some sleeping time to be had then. And an appointment with the Doctor to get the Hobbit foot looked at and get my next round of drugs issued. So will long into work and do what I can. Sue and the Boys head for school and I get on with some work tasks.  Back is packing in already and on to pain meds now.  Bloody sad way to live popping a never ending  line of meds – 36 pills, tablets, and the likes per day of the basic ones now, and then on a bad day add up to another 12 on that in ‘extra’ pain killers.

Dad arrives to take me to the physio appointment. They are happy with how it is progressing even though it should still be in a splint apparently – so they make a special one to wear at night to help strighten it out. Some more exercises and back to see them in a week. Head back home again. Have a coffee with Dad and a chat, then get on with some more work. Sue arrives home then and collects me, and we are out of here as there is not much time to get to the appointment. MRI goes well – no profuse bleeding this time but they misplace the line in my hand so it inflates with saline and contrast a bit.  Come away with a sore hand and feeling drained.  Scan takes 1 hour 30mins to do this time compared to last time taking about 45 mins. Hope this shows or at least gives them an idea of what is happening with my back. Head off then to home.  Have a nap at home as feeling not to good today.  Very unsteady on my feet and left side/hand co-ordination is all messed up.  Most frustrating/depressing really.  Keep having a lot of tremors too.

I head to the Doctors appointment. All goes well there – Hobbit foot posibly coming back due to a scratch on the leg from Molly the cat on Friday night.  Doctor not sure but thinks it is so puts me on more different antibiotics. If no change by Wednesday then back to the Doc and will be back on the IV antibiotics again – bugger it.  Head home then.  Dinner time, boys finish off homework, and tidying rooms.  We all head out for a walk and the boys take the Nerf Vortex to throw around and a footy ball.  Manager about 3.5kms so happy about that given how I am physicallyu feeling.  Get home and do the blog.   Then attempt to watch some TV, but dose off.  M&D time and bed.  Really hope you’ve all had a good day and it’s not been too stressful.  Take care as the best you can of yo urselves and each other.  Till the morrow.

Kia Kaha.

“Go for it now. The future is promised to no one.” ~Wayne Dyer

Shite sleep!  Spent from 3:45ish until 8:30 asleep in my lazy boy as it was the only comfortable place to be, and even then it was only just.  My back was just giving me absolute hell!!  I lost count of the number of times I got up and the amount of Milo’s I drunk or even the amount of pain killers (of course I did actually keep track of this, but it feels as though I was constantly taking them).  I am just sooo tttiiirreeddd!!!!!!!!  And have the strangest feeling inside.  It is difficult to describe how it feels, but imagine out of energy, and out of breath, making you feel like you are drowning almost but don’t have the energy left to draw another full breath, and it is a struggle to stand or move.  If you you stand you re really unsteady on your feet and feel like you are swaying constantly.  Anyhow – this is how I am now spending  the whole day feeling.  It is just hard to explain how it feels – in a way trapped inside yourself like this.  It sort of messes with your mind in that is this what it is like having your mind wind your body down?  Don’t take that the wrong way – I’m not giving in or going anywhere – there is a hell of a fight still in me and while it just means the fight has to be done differently, it doesn’t mean that I can’t keep battling on longer.

Wake about 8:30 to all the family around me  – well I am in the lounge after all and seen as the kitchen is just off the side of it I guess that it would be reasonable to think that they want breakfast and to watch TV.  Joking.  Sue and Lachie are getting ready to head off to Lachie’s footy practice and footy registrations.  Jacob and I stay home.  Spend the morning trying to get enough energy together to be able to actually do anything.  Get ready to get on with the day.  Aubrey turns up to collect the tree trimmings from the other day.  Jacob and I help load them on the trailer.  My bloody back gives me hell the whole time.   Also have my bloody hobbit foot coming back!  Yep the swelling is starting to return to my left foot- oh hell.  So off to the Doctor tomorrow to get there opinion on ity early – I bloody well hope there is no infection coming back.   

Quiet arvo not doing a lot really.  Sue and Lachie get home.  Joh calls and we have a catch up for a bit.  You’re sounding well Joh.  Take care and we’ll catch up again soon.  Sue an Jaob hed off then to Bunnings to get some bits.  I muster up enough energy to mow the lawns – that’s enough to ruin me for about and hour.  Dinner time.   Watch some TV then do the blog.  M&D time and bed coming up.  I have the feeling that I am going to have a restless night again – bugger it. Really trust that you’re day/evening/arvo has been brilliant and more energetic than my day.  Take care all.

Kia Kaha.

“Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” -Steve Jobs

Wow – that was a strange crappy sleep!  I managed to turn out a blog for Friday over several waking moments, and hopefully it makes sense for you.  Awake and into the day by 8:20 – the rest of the household are out to it still fast asleep.  Jacob I’m not surprised at though as he was almost delirious during the night.  Though his temperature was not sky high he was  running a little fever, but it doesn’t take much to throw him illness wise. Poor man.  Still will let them sleep on a bit more, as nothing desperate to get up for today.  I head downstairs as usual to get meds and my cuppa tea.  My head is feeling very foggy and hurting deep in, so going to have to watch that doesn’t get away on me.  Have meds and some breakfast then get ready to face the day.  No plans as I said so it will be a day of just rolling with the flow.  Would like to get out for a bike ride at sometime though if able too.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -Maria Robinson

Well hello there folks. Sorry for the tardiness of the blogs this week, but to be blunt about it, I am really scrapping through this week health, pain, and mentally. As you know the back has been giving me absolute hell! This means lack of sleep and just a constant worn out feeling as it drains you terribly. Also having a lack of sleep or proper rest means that you then start having your mind play tricks on you. You can’t focus correctly on things. And worst of all you start to become, well I think so, emotionally fragile. Your head messes with your feelings lots. So while the waking hours are spent taking meds, and trying to find some where comfortable to rest against so that I can attempt to sleep. They are also spent thinking about life and trying to keep the pressure or wayward thoughts from coming through to much into reality, but it doesn’t mean that tears aren’t shed often. Life is some days just a real big screwed up ball of paper that will never unfortunately be as smooth as it was so I just have to live with the bumps and crumples that are there now.

A rough sleep night by me, but it actually worked out well as Jacob is not to well either so I was up looking after him several times during the night. But in terms of sleep for me, nope the usual lousy sleep pattern put paid to that. Wake at 6am as normal and meds and cuppa tea time. Wake the boys. Jacob is adamant that he is going to school, as it is athletics day for all concerned, and he wants to do a complete year at school without missing a single day. Try to explain that if he is really Ill then that him staying home and not infecting others is the best option. Get ready for the day. The boys are ready to as Dad is coming over to collect them for school. Dad flies in and out they’re on their way. Sue and I hit the road to work then. Pleasant stroll into the office, and like been at work early as you seem to get more done in the first couple of hours. Finding it incredibly difficult today to focus, so everything is at a slow pace. Having lots of tremors to and seizures, but warm Cath (she sits next to me) of these so she doesn’t get to concerned.

Sue collects me about 12:45 today as I’m really not going to last much longer with how I feel. Head home then, get a call from the Nurse Maude Doctor about the new drops they have me on to try to relax the back pain, and to be able to sleep. I raise the concerns about the side effects that I have and how much it it wiped me out on Thursday. The Doc and I discuss it and we decide to try it again but start on a lower dose. Login to work then and sort out a problem -and try to look at another issue but there is no way I can as fatigue is crushing me. Sue and Lachie head of to his indoor footy game. By the time they get home I am out cold in the lazy boy. Roh, Andy and the girls come over for a couple of drinks and F&C for tea. I vaguely notice that they are there as I am in the strong clutches of fatigue. Eventually I wake about 8 pm. Have my dinner and an L&P -no drinkies while on anti-biotics. Roh and Andy and the girls head off, we chase Lachie into bed. Jacob has already hit the sack about 2 hours earlier. Thanks for a great night guys. Sorry about my absence for a bit. It was good to see you all.

Make Milo -M&D time then head to bed. Start on the blog but start drifting off so go with the flow of sleep. If I wake later on then I can finish it and post it for all. Hope that Friday was a wonderful day for you with a lot of fun and no stress or pressure, and are ready to deal with/too the weekend what ever it has in-store for you.  Take care all. I hope to maybe catch up with you later or some time during the weekend.  Bed good, enjoy. But please take care.

Kia Kaha.

Well I managed to get some sleep. I have been given some new drugs – drops yesterday as a new way of getting me to get some sleep. They are the most terrible tasting things. But they bloody work! Still have a broken sleep, but go back to sleep quickly if/when I do wake. Wake at 6:15 with the alarm as normal, but normal is far from how I am actually feeling. I feel worse than when I take a whole sleeping tablet. That groggy sedated feeling where you try to go faster but life goes slower.

Head down stairs for meds and cuppa tea. Try to decide if able to make it to work today as I am going to have to be extremely careful doing things today so as to keep safe. Honestly, my head is the fuddled up that I struggled to remember how to tie my shoe laces! Boys head off to school, Sue and I head off to work. Drop the car of to get a wheel alignment done (thanks to munted roads have these done about every 6-9 months). Then stop in RE:Start for a coffee. It is a superb morning, hardly any wind 20 degrees sunny and not many people around yet. We head off then for the office. Sue is working in town today, hence the coffee stop. I get into the office and my back is absolutely in agony! Manage to bring that under control, and resume the foggy brain.

Slow day at work, needless to say. Struggle to stay awake sometimes. But by about mid day the foggy feeling is starting to lift and clear. Walk down to meet Sue and we head off to collect the car. All done and sorted, home ward then. Arrive home to find Aubery hard at work pruning trees. Wow- what a difference so far. I planned to go and have a rest but decide to battle on. Login to work and tap away there, but the fog is not lifting any more and back to the struggles. Go and see how gets Aubrey is going, and just generally plod along. Aubrey eventually callAubrey eventually calls it quits so weGo and see how gets Aubrey is going, and just generally plod along.

Have dinner then Sure and Jacob head off on a bike ride. I would’ve gone too except my back had nearly frozen me in agony, so Lachie stays with me. Everyone home, boys ready for bed. I try to get started with the blog, but don’t have much luck, as keep drifting off and a are ironically just generally too restless to do it. Which is cruel irony as normally struggling to move. Make my best attempt to get on with it but fail.  Do M&D time then head for bed. Hope all have had a wonderful day and only good has happened. Take care. Thinking of you all!

Kia Kaha.

Just a quick note to say I’ll be doing the blog for today tomorrow as I have been out to the clubrooms tonight -thanks Fish. And Alex from H’town was visiting when I arrived home. It was great to see you all and have a catch up.

Exhausted beyond belief today as had about 3 hours sleep all up last night. I have also nodded off twice trying to write this and hit the delete key so there would be no chance of writing anything longer! I also have a new medication to try to knock me out at night and that is kicking in already too. More tomorrow. Take care. Sweet dreams all.
Hope your Friday is going wonderfully for you.

Catch you all later.

Kia Kaha.

The boys head off to school. I have breakfast then Sue and I head off for work. A chilly walk into work today in drizzle, but still refreshing in a way.  Quiet day at work – finding it a real struggle today.  I am that exhausted that it is almost difficult to breath, which is very scary at times.  Have a bad time with my back at work as well, and have to stand for a bit to try to sort it out.  Sue comes to collect me about 1:30, and really not a minute too soon.  I can see that the rest of the day is going to be a minute by minute day because I can not even get my head to focus on 10 minutes ahead of now.

Get home and do my best to keep pushing on.  Login to work and try to keep going for a bit more.  The boys get home and Sue takes them to the skate park.  Nurse Maude comes by to see me and do their check up.  I get the all clear but told to take it easy and listen to my body – don’t push myself to much and overdo it else I could end up crashing again. I must be tired as I am getting a lot of leg cramps.  Perhaps thats what my back pain is – cramp in my back!  Doubt it is as I have an anti-cramp drink which stops the leg cramps but I still get the back pains.  So no easy cure.  Just need to face it that i am crapping out big time.  So no walks out after dinner tonight, as much as I would love too.  But I think that it is probably safer to stay put.

Sue and the boys get home, and Sue gets dinner ready.  Boys do homework and dishes then showers and bed.  I get on with the blog – standing at the kitchen bench as my back is to sore to sit down.  Manage to sit down later on.  Take some more pain killers to try to get on top of it.  Boys off to bed, I watch TV and finish blog.  Thinking I have damaged a nerve in my Pinky to, as I have an area of pins and needles sensation in the centre of the pad at the top of my finger – rather odd.  Oh well, something else wrong.  No point fixing it though, as really whats the point?

How’s you’re day gone?  I really hope it has been a good day and filled with more energy than I have had.  I know I’m aiming to be in bed really early tonight as I have a suspicion that I will be awake several times more.  Have a fantatsic day/evening/arvo.  Take care.

Kia Kaha.

“You have been blessed with immeasurable power to make positive changes in your life.”  ― Steve Maraboli

 What a shit of a restless bloody night!!!  I think I’d would’ve been lucky to have more than an hours sleep straight!  So needless to say that I’m a walking zombie today.  Feel messed up in the head too.  It’s not starting to really worry me as such but it makes me more aware of myself when I have several days straight of this ‘odd’ feeling.  Why such a broken sleep?  Back pain – check.  Tremors – lots – check. Just bloody uneasy about things – check. Spent more time purched against the bench in the kitchen and contorting the lazy boy into odd positions to try to get comfortable, but nothing really worked.  Restorted to magic mist spray and good pain killers to try to drown out the pain and tremors.  Anyway made it thru the night and wake at 6:20am.  Wake the boys, and head downstairs to meds and tea – staple diet now.

Get meds on board and mke a cuppa.  Iron school uniforms for the lads, and keep giving them a gentle boot in the bum to keep them moving along.  I get ready for the day.  Brekkie done, boys leave.  Have some brekkie too.  Then Sue and I hit the road for work.  Get in a bit earlier today which is good as it means I can get on to a couple of jobs uninterrrupted – hopefully.  Going to be an awesome day, as already nearly 20 degrees.  Get the work underway then head around to Re:Start mall to the bank before it gets too busy.  Lovely walk, but almost getting to hot now.  Lots of tourists out and about – encouraging sign for the city to have so many people prepared to see what’s left of our town.  Have to stop a couple of times heading back to the office as my back is hurting to much.  Make it back eventually.  Check in on my jobs running, and all good.  Get ready then to head off to my next appointment  – fracture clinic – to have the broken Pinky looked at.

Ann drops me off at the Bealey Clinic where it’s at.  Splint is off – yay!  Finger is very swollen still and very sore still too. Not really impressed with the Doctor as he doesn’t hardly touch or look at the injury, fills out a form and says I am now under the care of a Physio, make an appointment with them and they will deal with it.  Asked why no follow up X-Ray as they had mentioned last time and he said it looks and feels fine so a  Physio can deal with it now.  It only happened 2 1/2 weeks ago so the bone has really only started knitting properly.  Can see things going wrong here.  Oh well – still nice to have the splint off, and be able to move it around.  Sue collects me from the clinc and we head home as it is heading towards 1pm anyway.  I am startign to get jaded, and grumpy, so stop by the chemist to get more meds on the way that I need.  Manage to get a Physio appointment for 4pm today.  They are surprised that I have been sent to them so early too, but they give me some exercises to get it moving again and tell me to take it easy.

Get home and get dinner ready.  Boys do home work.  I finish up the job I was doing – will keep working on it tomorrow.  Head out for a walk around the block, just a short jaunt -2.5 km.  Start on the blog, to see if I can ramble out something useful and meaningful.  I’m feeling that I seem to be missing putting in some of my ‘thoughts’ about dealing with the cancer, and the changes that happen from my perspective.  I will work on it and see what crosses my weary mind and falls out.  There is a lot bottled up in me at the moment and some does need to be shared, somethings need to be dicussed with those that it is going to closely affect, and some will just be with me as long as I am breathing!  Hope you understand this and it is not to cryptic, but you may already gathered that my life is split into islands (as Sue likes to say it) I think more onion rings and as such not everything is shared on the blog. 

Trust Monday has gone smoothly for all of you, and you have come away smiling and happy.  If not then don’t worry as it will be all over very soon, and the good thing is you have another chance to improve the day tomorrow.  Take care, be good at being bad and keep smiling as it makes people wonder what you’ve been up too.

Kia Kaha.