3 Too Many

“If Ignorance is Bliss, Why Aren’t There More Happy People?” – Unknown

Morning campers – yep 5:45 awakening, but feeling good for it. Lay there taking in how the mood is until I given in to the head pain and head downstairs for the early breakfast of pills   But I am feeling clear-headed, positive and ready to face pretty much anything.  In fact it is a day I have not had feeling like this in a long time.  I could take on any battle at the moment and be confident to win it.  So watch out mofo’s – I’m back to make your efforts harder again (just ease up on the cranial pressure you are applying as that is taking an unfair advantage of your position

Drugs are good and work wonders, and even manage to stomach a protein shake for brekky – well second brekky as the drugs were first.  Get ready and we’re off and racing in the Monday morning running late stakes.  Got to drop Jacob and Lachie at school and me at work and Sue has to get to work by 9am – and it is about a 15km trip in rush hour and we leave at 8:15am!  Mission accomplished!  Well for me and the boys anyway. I walk into work about 8:50am.  Haven’t checked out the demo’ed NewsTalk building – but then again one flat Christchurch building is much like the other really. 

Steady morning at work.  Missing Cath in Auckland and Bernard, day off, but Shaz, Alison, Jono & Martijn are there to entertain and watch over me.  Listen to some positive music today – ACDC & Guns ‘ n’ Roses not the maudlin stuff that I have been listening too.  Still feeling great – yahoo – blues may have gone away finally.  Sue picks me up about 1:15 and head home, then to get the lads.  Home to relax a bit more.  Feeling a bit drawn – aka the usual afternoon fatigue!  Get a second wind and we all go for a walk to get some fresh air – and it is bloody fresh.

Home then for dinner, then sit down to repair my home laptop – yep even IT geeks break their computers!  Hard drive has packed a wobbly!  Now I can’t get it started again – ggrrr!!  While it’s trying to recover do the blog and watch some TV.  Mofo’s are moving around again and are going to so get a dose of pan killers soon.  Better still they’re going to get a dose of nuclear Chemo come Friday which will sort their sorry butts! I hope.  Anyhow – enough rambling – oh wait that’s what it is about isn’t it. Have a good day/arvo/evening – stay safe, stay happy.

Kia Kaha.

Day 19 of 23 treatment free.  I think I will stop putting this in as while it is 19 days of treatment free, it is probably in truth the worse time of the treatment process. While I’m taking the Chemo it takes a couple of days usually to start its real kicking in and make you know that it is doing something, but a week later you still pay the price, then 2 weeks, then about 5 days out from starting it again you have a bounce back to normal day (mine was yesterday) then, probably of my own doing by trying to enjoy yesterday too much and do a lot, crash back to reality today.  If this is what the intention of the Chemo is to do – give an extension of some sort while balancing some quality then I do need to think about it.  1 or 3 good days in every 28 is a bit of a shitty outlook really.  They’ll probably have more drugs they can throw at me to ‘get me over this’ – love the medical fraternity – here have this drug to counter this one.  I think I have popped more drugs into me in the past 5 months than in my whole bloody life!  Is it any wonder I feel a little messed up occasionally. 

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well there’s the crap from the head this morning!  Yes I over did it yesterday – but I had fun – well most of the day anyway.  Got woken by the bloody building getting blown up in town – noisy bastards – 8am.  Not in a good mood either.  Could just stay in bed all day and let the world pass me by.  Eventually get up about 10:30 when everyone else has left.  Have my steroid and pain-killer pill breakfast as stomach is saying a definite no to food – I’ll wither away to nothing very soon – on the fast downhill now to 87kgs! Interesting battle goes on as steroids want to make me eat but the nausea is definitely saying no.  Finish off doing the washing then sit down to rattle out my life’s tale for today.  That way at least there will be something down for later on if I don’t get around to finishing it.  Head is sore still and attitude is winding up – love it – not.  Days like this I just want to go away somewhere and scream! Not because of what’s happening, more cause I feel trapped.  Trapped by these 3 mofo’s and what they have taken from me already and more so what they take each day – a little bit more of me physically, a little more mentally, and a lot more fight.  On the positive side I have found such a wonderful supportive group and learned who my friends really are.  Unfortunately there is a downside – you also see those that for their own reasons, only have their own interests at heart and so to probably protect themselves from any effect of what I am going through have distanced themselves and forged on with their way.  I understand this but it is incredibly hard sometimes.

Sue and Lachie turn up home with a new wood basket so get it loaded up and the fire setup for tonight.  One thing that is becoming more frustrating is the tremors in my hands.  If it is not been able to grab a page to turn it on a book or even to just bloody separate the pages of the paper for place it in the fire.  And if you try to hold the page steady with the other hand then its double jeopardy as the hands tremble at different rates so it makes it hell.  Usually I have a laugh about it, but not today.  The left eye is also getting worse – blurry and fuzzy around the edges. Anyhow, I digress.  Fire set after the fun of the shakes. Reheated chinese for lunch – doesn’t go down very well, but it is food.  Quiet arvo doing nothing really.  Played Lachie & Sue in foosball and dozed on the couch. No energy today either – ahh – trapped inside myself again – grr!

Jacob gets home from the party day – he’s had a good time.  Quiet evening – well once Jacob goes to bed it is!  Just watch TV and finish blog. Going to head to bed early as head still bloody hurting – well actually I’ll start saying when it’s not as it will be shorter and sweeter – as everyday it hurts.  Guess there isn’t that much vacant space in the old noggin as what I thought.  I’m alright though – tough enough to take the pain, as I’m used to migraines.

Have a lovely day/arvo/evening all.  Enjoy what’s left of Sunday and hope your Monday’s as good as can be.  Take care out there.

Kia Kaha.

Day 18 of 23 treatment free.

“Cancer is a word, not a sentence.” – John Diamond

Easy start for today’s blog – sleep in till 7:45 – guess enough drugs together do knock you out! Not in the best head space though – while I feel good and rested – in fact the best I’ve felt in weeks, I am in a confused and sad state mentally.  Sad about several things which I won’t divulge and confused about why I am feeling like this.  A bit of a messed up state really.  I either need to concede that I need to see a counsellor or take time out to get myself out of this rut. I would have preferred to talk to someone I know but then the reality is there is no one that out there that can relate to this – I know there are many of you that have had a similar experiences with your own cancer, or helped support people with their battle, regardless of what type or how close you are so I am not trying to belittle others experiences or the support I am getting, I’m more just saying that it is not just something I can sit down and talk about.  It is very personal.

“Don’t let worrying about tomorrow rob you of today.” – Unknown

I guess I should heed these words and maybe learn to live by them.  Really tomorrow will be here too soon and one day I won’t be.

Off to footy with Lachie today.  He has a good game and they drew 2-2 with Cashmere Tech.  Sarah & Majenta come down to watch Lachies game too.  That means they win their league and go through unbeaten.  Great effort boys.  Jacob is out at Kaiapoi against Waimak.  They loose 6-1 – not a good result or game from what he tells me.  Home for lunch then and off to the Pinkies game.  I even take my gear in the hope of getting a run.  Nothing to lose and might make me feel better – get to let some of this anger out that’s stored up.  Have a great afternoon!  Played about 30 minutes or so.  We won 5-1 – sweet.  This means we are top of our group in the playoffs.  Won a meat pack in the raffle (steak, kebabs & pork strips) and got player of the day too!!  Even indulged in a couple of beers and a couple of Bourbons.  And had a great catch up with the lads.  Thanks for a great time lads – made my day!

Sue comes and collects us and we stop to get Chinese for tea on the way home.  Scoff it down quickly as we are meant to be over at Roh & Andy’s to watch the game.  And I have made us late by drinking too much at the club rooms – sorry!!  Have a good evening – thanks guys.  Home then again to get the boys to bed.  Bloody neighbours are having a party – outdoors, facing our house – Ggggrrr!!  Going to be a late night as music down but voices up very loud.  Oh well – I must be getting old if I’m grumping about parties – sad really

Anyhow – not going to sit around waiting for the party to finish to update the blog.  Will do that tomorrow.  So stay safe, be good and have fun.

Kia Kaha.

Day 17 of 23 treatment free.

“When you’re up, your friends know who you are. When you’re down, you know who your friends are.” – Unknown

Well I said a sleepless night was coming.  Woken by head pain at 1:45 – try to go back to sleep but brain is processing a couple of things at 10 thousand miles an hour about friendships and whether some are really worth the effort. Other things ripping through my mind are worries about the MRI and what maybe gong on in there. Am I ready to take on my next round of Chemo next Friday? Especially knowing what the effects on me are going to be.  I think so but it still takes mental preparation. It is all for the good – I keep telling myself.  Sit down in the dark trying to workout whether to put more details in the blog or even do the blog.  Just at 6’s & 7’s about everything.  Hate the bloody steroids.

I guess what else has got me down is the reality of what is happening – not that I haven’t accepted it – it is more how fast things can seem to change which has you guessing what is actually happening.  I mean that while I’m having the treatment I can feel things happening – different effects like tremors, headaches, nausea, fatigue, these are all normal apparently.  It is the nausea, head pain, vision in my left eye – these are not normal for when you’re off treatment.  The doctor has said that they are possibly effects of radiation scaring on good brain tissue.  This could right itself but will take a while.  I guess the MRI will show a better detail of what is really going on – so I’ll just wait and see.

Mange to head back to bed about 5 and sleep through till 7:30.  So mad rush to get ready for work.  Get out of the house on time, Sue drops Lachie off then throws me out by the Art Gallery.  Get into work – nice to bed back in the office.  Go for brekky at The Boatshed with Jono & Bernard.  Tough getting through poached eggs and bacon – but manage it.  Back to work then.  Sue picks me up about 1:30 then head home.  Brekky not sitting to well

Do some chores around the house, then some more work.  Watch some TV and doze off – get woken for tea.  Not that I really could stomach any but I try to manage a bit.  Head has been hurting the whole day, but not majorly so don’t take pain killers as if you take to many then when you need them they don’t work the same as you have built up so much in your body.  Will be needing some tonight though as head starting to really thump now again.  Sue goes to Rohs for a wine and a catch up.

Well had enough of the Olympics – watching Sport Tonight with a Milo and a pain-killer side kicker, then bed.  Shattered but I don’t think that’ll stop my head or brain waking me later. Have a great evening/day/arvo all and a throughly enjoyable weekend.

Kia Kaha.

Day 16 of 23 treatment free.

“Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still” – Lou Erickso

Do I start with yesterday?  Well a 6am awakening and head is sore but doze off again until about 7am. Downstairs to make a cuppa tea and see if the pain will just die down.  Have a hot shower which sort of helps.  Give in and take some of the strong pain killers (already had 2 the night before when the pain was building up).  Then head to work.  The pain sort of eases a bit.  Then kicks in with a vengeance about an hour later.  Take a Panadol which sort of lasts about 15mins.  Eventually get Sue to come and get me and take me home.  Pack a bag ready for hospital and head off there – again Get dosed up on Panadol, codeine and high strength pain killers – guess one is going to work!  Feel comfortably numb and sleep on and off.  The Oncology doctor comes down and talks to us about what could be happening and that he is sending me for a CT Scan to see what is happening as it is the second time in 10 days I have been in there for the same issues.  The scan comes back semi positive but I am going to have an MRI scan done in the next couple of days to get a better / clearer image of the tumours.  Finally released about 7pm for home – so yay no overnighter! Take another high strength pain-killer, then wait until about 11:30 before taking another.  Knocks me out for the night.  The down side of this head pain is I am now on more bloody steroids!!

On to today.  Wake about 6am again, then go back to sleep until 7am, then fall asleep again until about 8:00 ish and let work know that I’m not in today. Then go back to sleep for about an hour.  Then downstairs for some pain killers and a cuppa tea – yummy breakfast eh!  Still have a head ache but far less that yesterday.  Take it easy all morning and have my minder home with me to make sure I don’t fall over and do the funky chicken.  Nice to have lovely company (have to say that or I’ll get hurt badly) – oh bugger she’ll read this! It’s going to hurt more now. Suggest we go get some lunch not that I am up to eating anything. Have a nice outing to the Turkish restaurant in Addington and a catch up over lunch. Then head home to rest up.  Boys get home then Lachie gets ready for footy practice.  We go and do the grocery shopping then while Lachie has practice.

Home then for dinner, and to do the blog.  Fridge and Nutty turn up briefly on their way to Dodgeball, to help put up the clothes dryer – appreciate the help.  Thanks. Dinner not sitting well Oh well.  Dad calls to see how I am going.  Going to pain-killer up soon then probably hit the sack as tired and the steroids will probably do their thing and mess up the sleep and give me a wired brain again.  So broken sleep coming up   Take care out there and hope you’ve had a good day/arvo/evening all.

Kia Kaha.

Will do a proper ramble later as I’ve been in the hospital all afternoon with head pain – so they worked their magic by dosing me with Panadol, Codeine & OxyNorm – one of them is sure to kill the pain.  Made me sleep though.  I have also had a CT Scan and have an MRI coming up in the next few days.  Home now and drugged up again so not doing the blog tonight.

Kia Kaha.

Day 14 of 23 treatment free.

“A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” – Unknown

Wake at 4:30 and drift on and off.  Thinking about how it’s now 4 months since I was given the verdict on my life.  I can still see and hear it all as clear as day.  The worse bit was then to come. How do you tell people that you have cancer but not only that, it is brain cancer and it is inoperable so the countdown clock on my life has been started – just we don’t know when that final tick is going to happen.  To make it worse it is an extremely rare type – approx. 50 cases in the world reported per year.  Have to laugh really as I had better odds of winning Lotto that weekend.  And to just really top it off it’s not just 1 tumour but 3 of them.  Now that is pushing the odds out to new levels.  Sorry but I won’t let you know what the tumour types are as the info about them on the web is frighten and just not helpful for anyone.  Maybe sometime in the future I will let you know but just not now.  I know I’ve just reiterated what I’ve said elsewhere and at other times but if anything it is just a refresher for those that have joined the blog late.  Also it is something that has been on my mind more lately.  How did i find the strength to tell people – looking back I don’t really know.  Maybe it was because my fate had now been decided by a disease and I have to accept that it is where my life is heading.  New plans have to be made, career is now on hold, future is unknown, and friendships will be made, lost and tested.  For those that I’ve let down along the way I apologise, and those that I’ve seeked strength from, thank you for been there. The simplest of words is all that I some times need to get me over the daily hurdle of life.  Yes it has been tough the past 3 weeks but I feel I may be now starting to come out of the blues.  This could be because I am now starting to gear up mentally for starting my next round of Chemo on Friday week.  It sounds silly but it does take a bit to get myself ready for this esp. knowing what effect it will have on me.

Head is cracking today and pain killers are not dealing to it very well, but manage to just take the edge off enough.  Have to try the easy drugs first before hitting it with the strong stuff.  Was worried that if they didn’t work then another trip to the hospital was coming up.  Plus want to head into the office today as don’t feel like been home alone.  Jono picks me up and we head into the office.  Slow day until Jacob’s school call to say that he needs dry clothes as he is soaking wet from falling in a puddle.  Jono takes me home – as Sue was in Court and doesn’t have her cell on – to get more clothes and then to the school.  Go mad at the school for not been more helpful given I can’t drive and they were being a bunch of dicks about it.  The woman who called didn’t even listen to what I said about not been able to get there.  Took pleasure in dropping the I have 3 brain tumours line on them – left her a bit speechless – which it shouldn’t have as i did tell her on the phone.  Will follow-up with the school too as they are turkeys!  Get back to work and continue with things.  Take more medium strength drugs. Get picked up then about 2:15 and head to get the boys.  I fall asleep as the tiredness has got hold of me – bloody hate these tumours on so many levels.

Home and light the fire then start on blog as head hurting still and will have one of the magic high strength pain killers tonight.  The downside is it knocks me out so may not be able to finish this if I do have one.  Have dinner then take the magic pill.  Will let you know how it goes.  One way to describe it – comfortably numb! Well sort of as the pain is still there in the background but the vacant feeling in the head is very weird.  Still no fairies with flippers They are lower strength though than the hospital ones.  Still I think they’ll make me sleep as feeling very dopey – no smart comments either.  I was asked how my eye is today – well the blurry haze is still there but it is different to the radiation purple blob.  This effect is due to the tumours   Wilson is also starting to make an appearance again.  I will continue the fight against Wilson as much as I can. 

I will sign off now as I might get a little to random given how I am now feeling – wahoo!! Have a good evening/arvo/day where ever you are – I know I will! Take care out there.

Kia Kaha.

Day 13 of 23 treatment free.

“The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.” – Hubert H. Humphrey, Jr.

Wake at 5:30 and lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about crap till about 6:45 – then fall asleep & sleep through the alarm until 7:25 so a mad rush to get ready!  Murphy’s law really.  Feeling sad, sick and sore today. Out the door to school & work by 8:10. 

Quiet morning really as head hurting, and my vision on the left side is starting to go I now have a blurry/fuzzy look across it and it is hurting.  Sue calls the neurosurgeon to see if they can tell us what to expect as these tumors start to make their impact.  Vision is one of the signs that things are changing.  It is not like the blob that was caused by radiation.  Well it had to happen so not surprised really.  It’s like the constant head pain.  Even my medium strength pain killers now don’t take it away. Mark comes into visit and have a coffee and a catch up – thanks Mark appreciate the break.  Get picked up at 1:15 and head home to meet the curtain lady as apparently we need new curtains to go with the new paint job.

You may have guessed that the blog is hard work today to be honest as not in the mood for it and just feel that low I can’t get anything to spark in the way of rambling.  In fact the past few couple of weeks have been tough going.  I have lots going on in my head and things to say but just can’t get it out or it is not really suitable to be put into the public domain.  I will try to get myself to a better place soon but it will take time.  On the plus side I am at 90kgs now so by tomorrow I’ll be below 90!  Fantastic.

Roh & Kate stop by for a visit.  I do a bit more work and then watch some tv.  Go and have a burst on with the weights & spin bike now that I have them back in the garage.  That seems to be what I need to kick-start me again.  Knackered but feel better letting a bit of stress out.  Going to hurt tomorrow though!  Dinner time then – not that I feel like anything – try to eat but no joy.  I can’t even force myself to eat it tonight.  Finish off the blog and watch TV. No Milo even tonight as I can’t stomach that either. Bloody hell – loosing taste for everything!

Kia Kaha.

Day 12 of 23 treatment free.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” – Unknown

One word for today – Angry!  Wake at 4:15 take pain killers – then back to bed. Doze on and off then finally seem to go back to sleep until woken by noisy boys at 8am.  Not bloody happy.  Eventually get up with a plan of going for a walk after breakfast. Nothing really shaking the mood either.  Don’t want to eat as feel like crap anyway but force down 2 pieces of toast – yuck!  Sick of feeling sick and in pain but won’t make anymore comments.

Eventually get out for a walk about 11am and do 4kms around the block.  Mood not really changing yet either.  Just wound up about everything. Feel a bit better when I get home.  Have a small nap as the walk has tired me.  Then go outside and prune the neighbours trees that are hanging over the fence and blocking the sun.  Load up the Ute then take it to the dump.  Then drop the Ute back to Dad’s.  Head off to Nick & Anna’s to see Viv and Ollie – happy birthday wee man.  A nice catchup with all.  Mood improved a bit to

Head home to get the house warmed up, curtains shut,etc.  Go and play handball for a bit with the boys until wine time is called.  Have a vodka and nibbles – vodka is going down well but nibbles are a little slow as I don’t think I can stomach the food really.  Dad calls and have a yarn with him, then watch some TV, pain-killer up and take my grumpy ass to bed to read for a bit.  Probably the best place for it today – should never have got up.

Kia Kaha.

Day 11 of 23 treatment free.

“Smile, tomorrow will be worse” – Anonymous

Wake at 4:15 and drift on and off until about 7:15.  No point getting out of bed as no urgent drugs to take and nothing to get up for.  Gives me plenty of thinking time.  Feeling really good physically today but still not exactly in the right mental state.  Hope that it will pass sometime soon as it could be a miserable time spending the rest of my days like this.  Think about the idea of the Living Funeral – thanks too to those that have let me know their thoughts on it – all positive which is great.  Also think about how I can break this monotony of life that I am now trapped in. The same day, the same things, the only difference is how I physically feel really.  It is going to do my head in – so to speak. I guess I may as well just resign to accepting that this is how life will be and add it to the list of losses.  I said at the start of this that there must be a lesson to be learnt or taught from this – I think it is one so far that is no matter how good it seems to be it still gets tougher everyday and that is while you feel good still! You will have victories along the way as well but the losses are more incisive.  I am trying to stay positive about getting to the end of the treatment as best I can.  One thing is that now since finishing Chemo I have lost nearly 8kgs.  That means that in another week or so I’ll be back to my old weight pre this and in another 2 weeks I’ll be fading away. 

Cool day for playing footy.  Lachie and Sue head off with Craig and Matt to their game which they win 2-1 thereby taking out the competition for the season – well done Lachie.  Sarah & Majenta come and get Jacob and I and take us to his game at Halswell where they lose 5-3.  Home then for lunch and a catch up with Sarah and Majenta.  I do some work checking on the Southland servers that have been restarted.  Lunch doesn’t sit to well in the tum so have a lay down and nap for an hour. Still feel lousy   Then find out that the Halswell Pinkies drew their game against Ferrymead Bays 0-0.  Well done lads.

Joe, Sarah (cousins from the US) & Ella (Neice) turn up for a visit as they are on a ski holiday and passing through Christchurch on their way South.  Have a good catch up then we all head to Pam & Karls for dinner.  Jenny & Greg are there too.  Have a lovely dinner and chat.  Head home as boys shattered.  Sit down then to do the blog while watching a movie.

Milo time then bed as shattered too.  Hope all have had a great day/night/arvo.

Kia Kaha.