3 Too Many

“You can, You should, and if you’re brave enough to start, You will.” ― Stephen King

Well I did it – last night of Chemo round 2 down.  Woke at 5am bearly able to walk, lay there until 5:20 thinking of reasons I should stay put, and then thought that I have more need to get up and do as I said than not too.  So up, pain killers, and into gym.  About 25 mins with weights, stretches, etc, and 20 mins (6.5kms) on spin bike – and I feel great for it!!  Stuffed a bit, but great!  Not bad to go from can’t move to doing all that in an hour – pain killers are wonderful

On with the day while the energy and attitude are rocking on well. Feeling quite lively actually – long may it continue.  Steady day in the office, and go for a walk to re:Start mall at lunch time.  Even the appetite has come back today which is good.  Energy flagging a bit, but manage to kick through it.  Get home in time for Crown to pickup their empty moving boxes as we don’t need them anymore and it’s one less thing in the garage.  Sue calls Beth – nice to have a chat.  Send some of the Canadian sun and heat our way please! The boys get home and we head off to Riccarton Mall to do a couple of chores.  Then home for dinner. Mood is changing to wound up which is not good.  Boys into bed, Sue heads off for a walk and I blog it. Not going to be a late night as I’m shattered and don’t think I need to push myself over the limit completely.  Only one place that gets me – hospital!

Had some good news today from the Onocologist Doc – I have my travel wings back!!  Yay – all be it on certain conditions, and only domestically at the moment.  But I now have an element of freedom (well of sorts) again.  On the driving front though I need to go 12 months without a seizure, and with a good MRI and treatment all finished – so bugger, bugger and bugger it all (and that’s been polite)!!!  Still I’ll take what I can for now.  A bit sad when you get excited about been allowed to fly again.

Seems this new way forward – though only day 1 – may workout for me.  I have the mental resolve to focus at it and also the ability to stick to it – as I did prior to the crap handout in March.  I may need a kick in the pants occasionally but will take them as I need them.  I also realise that tomorrow may see me drop to a new low again as I have overdone today.  But it is all learning, which seems to be the whole thing that this journey is teaching me now – learning about myself (physically, emotionally & mentally), learning about others (emotionally & mentally) and how to make the journey the best for all.  It is not going to always be smooth or easy or by the same token hard and difficult but from this point on I am going to make the most of the rest of my life – as I said on Saturday 1 April 2012 – today is the first day of the rest of my life and I will make the most of those days left as the countdown clock has started but unfortunately we don’t know how long that clock will run for.  But that’s OK, for I am alive today and will be tomorrow, so happy about that.  I will not let this cancer define me, I will define the cancer!  I have spent to long lately in the dark places and not coping well really but that has now changed – and will stay changed.  I can now look, I feel, at those dark places and sort through them to make them sensible and lay plans around them that I am happy with and not fear what things may come my way.

Bloody computer crashed and had a moment of panic that lost the blog.  Thank goodness for auto save!  It may have been the final tipping point.  Anyway that’s about it for today.  Full on day burning energy, faded out tonight.  Finishing a Jim Beam Small Batch while watching TV.  Then M&D time and bed, if I make it off the couch that is!  Take care all and have a great night/ arvo/day.

Kia Kaha.

“When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, ‘Try it one more time.’ ” – Author Unknown

Howdy folks. Another day, another day. Been awake since 4:30 ish thinking about things as you do.  Was actually thinking of doing a bit of an adjustment to last nights blog, as I think I may have come across a bit wrong with how I’m feeling regarding the MRI results.  I am happy with the results saying the brakes are on, and that I’ve been given extra time – I guess I may not have conveyed that clearly though.  I guess it is just the other side of me been a realist too.  But I will leave it at that. Drag myself out of bed then and get ready for work as feeling better than yesterday and feel I can face the world – so it’s off to the office we go.  Hi Ho!!

Steady day, but nice to be back at the office and have some company. Have fatigue levels bouncing all over the show too so doing well by all standards really.  Won’t mention head or nausea as all standard for the treatment.  Head home to rest up about 1:15 today.  Need it as not running brilliantly now. Typical though, I rally again which is handy as Alex drops by for a coffee and a visit.  Good to see you man.  Hi Vicki too

Had a couple of times today people say that they don’t understand what it is like or how capable I am of doing things.  Well, I used to have an excessive amount of energy, to the point that I would capably drive people nuts cause I couldn’t sit still.  Now to make it through a day let alone an hour (at the moment) without wanting or needing to sit down is a point of personal celebration.  The head pain tires you, the need to work harder to control Wilson tires you, the struggle to actually be able to breath properly at times (yep weird side effect where my left lung just doesn’t seem to take in a full breath) tires you, nausea feelings and of course the lack of food input doesn’t help with trying to maintain energy levels, looking through a blurry left eye is tiring, then comes the fatigue beast which just hits you out of the blue on top of it all – yep I can just take on the world with my little finger and win right now.  Sorry, that is horribly sarcastic and unfair.  But from where and who I was 5 months ago to now is poles apart.  I know I have to find ways to build on the good days/hours I have and will have to be more in tune with myself to do this so have been thinking tonight about how I have to refocus my energy and how I can do that, even while undergoing chemo else it is going to be a very long 6 months of more treatment, and I better be fit and ready to enjoy the extension time that all this is bringing – as that is part of the deal I have with the devil.  As I was reminded today of a quote given to me early on by a fellow cancer fighter, David – “I will define this cancer, this cancer will not define me” – which was quite apt timing really given it is the last night of treatment for this round.  So take a bow and thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me  – I had lost my mantra.  I have always told others to suck it up princess – well I am from tomorrow going to do that myself.  As tough as it’s going to get starting tomorrow – Wednesday 15 August – I am going to start back in the gym, regain control of Wilson, and get myself back in fit order as the fitter I am the better I will feel and therefore the more I can do through been fitter and haha healthier, the more I will end up enjoying everything in the end.

So there’s the depths of an arvo/evening thinking.  M&D time done – just pain killers about to finish the evening now and bed, as I have an early start with my weights, and spin bike.  So good night, good day whatever it maybe where you’re reading this.  Till the morrow – take care.

Kia Kaha.

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.” – Unknown

Oh how true a saying on a day like today.  Absolutely lousy sleep – new pain today – stomach – yipee!  The joy of feeling like I’m dying more just to keep living is wearing thin.  I know it is just the drugs and this is the price that I have to pay to buy the bonus time for my life – but it is a tough road to walk or crawl down.  The devil drives a tough bargain, I can tell you that.  Slow start to things today, and I can’t face work let alone actually really getting out of bed.  In a shitty stroppy mood too so probably best left to my own devices and alone.  Spend the morning flaked out in bed or on the couch – what a waste of time!  Like I have lots of it spare to be laying on my ass feeling sorry for myself.  Oh well – its done and gone now so can’t get it back.

Finally muster the energy up to have a shower and try to feel lively.  Then login to work to catch up with the days happenings.  Sue fleets in for a quick-lunch then off to get the boys then to haircuts.  More me time – yay.  I really mean that, as I like my own company a lot.  Gives you time to reflect, plan and look at yourself.  If you like in a way to audit yourself.  Pity I have 3 mofo’s muddying the waters and making it a little harder to assess myself. 

Thought of something that I should clarify about the MRI results as there seems to be a misunderstanding by some folk about the results and what they actually mean.  To put it simply – in the picture of the tumours on the front page of the blog or on my Facebook page, you will see the large white/grey area.  This in the latest MRI has now darkened to a deep grey meaning that the tumours have stopped growing and have been starved.  The core tumour – the deep dark colour in the grey fuzz – is still there and while it is not getting feed as such, it is still there and will never go away.  The results have shown what they have wanted to achieve through treatment, in that they have hit the brakes on the growth of 3 too many.  The next 8 treatments are now intended to continue the brakes been applied by keeping the starvation of the tumours going.  This does not mean though that another 1 or more could appear in the meantime, as given the nature of these tumours I have, they are aggressive, fast growing and their cause/starting point is totally unknown.  By the same token the current tumours could re-ignite themselves.  Also once I finish the treatment then I can’t just start another round, as there is the physical impact on me, the cost (these drugs are hell of expensive) and the fact that I am terminal – there is an end to this and it will be by these tumours.  Yes, we can have hope, faith and belief that a miracle could happen which would take them away – but the pragmatic and realist in me says that will not happen.  I accept my fate and know that one day it will all end – the pain, the effects, the blog – heaven forbid the blog stop!!  Also while the hand brake is on them, it doesn’t mean that the effects are not going to continue to impact on me.  I am still noting little changes everyday, and understand what are drug caused and what is not.  I think I am now more in tune with my body than I have ever been.  So there we have it – hopefully it makes sense and clarifies some of the understanding around Friday’s result.  So celebrate or curse as you see fit – I have just voiced my side of it.

Sue and the new, swish looking lads return home.  Dinner and time to start blogging while I remember what I was doing today and what I wanted to Ramble about – been such a long day.  Fridge and Nuddy stop by and have a great yarn and catch up – thanks guys.  And BTW – it still doesn’t look like a sheep!!  Sit down then and finish the blog off while consuming the Chemo dessert.  Just heard to that Val Adams did bet the man who won the gold and has been give his gold medal now – awesome news!  Right time to do M&D and then try to get some sleep.  Take care, take it easy and have a good day/arvo/evening.

 Kia Kaha.

“This dying urge to live is killing me!” – Antony Edmonds

There you go an original by me that sums up today.  If this is what the urge to fight to stay alive is like then god help me when the real end game comes calling.  Broken crappy sleep so not a good start.  But the boys bring some cheer about 9:15 and deliver brekky in bed – a bacon and egg toasted muffin and cups tea – just like MacDonald’s make. Lachie brings me my side order of drugs so I can eat.  Not to bad actually – thanks guys.  Do a bit of reading then write-up Saturday’s blog.  Feel exhausted after it – yep in for one of those days – pain, and sick feeling to the top and just fatigued.  Turn over and go back to sleep then until about 12:30.  Nothing on today, peeing with rain and cool so good day to not feel guilty about doing diddly squat.  Have more drugs and then eat lunch – cheese puffs – yum thanks Sue.

Sit down and watch a program about euthanasia – I’m not going into my opinions on it ro starting any debate about it, but there is some very strong arguments for and against.  The surprising things was that Lachie and I had a good chat about it as he had some very good questions.  Wise heads are sometimes on young shoulders.  He was also very frank about comparing what’s happening and going to happen with me and how the fitted in with the program.  He is all good about it and happy cause he understands.  Got to keep it real, cause it is, and can’t lie to him.  He asked questions, I answered honestly.  One thing that the boys process is the acceptance that death is like birth – it happens to us all – and there are different emotions attached to it but at the end of the day it is the same for everyone.  Sarah, Rowdy and kids stop by for a visit.  Very nice surprise.  Thanks for the treats   and company.  Nice to catch up.  I’m sure Gabbie’s dinner was awesome too.

I was guessing that today is a good one to do a bit of a prattle about what has been going through my head the past few nights – and it might mean that if I manage to put it in writing then it might stop getting processed at night.  But I have now spent the past 2-3 hours trying to put something meaningful and more over sensible to words but just can’t get what I want out.  With the result of the MRI on Friday,as I said, it is good news but I still don’t for some reason feel ecstatic like I probably should.  Strange eh?  All I can think of is that, yes the treatment is working, so keep focusing on the battle ahead as it is paying off.  But then in the back of my mind is the fact that these mofo’s are still there, ticking away – all be it more slowly now – and each treatment is one less to face, but also one more towards the end of the treatments.  The plan with the treatment all along is only to buy some extension of life and balance it with quality.  So based on this plan, that means the next 7 months of Chemo hell will be balanced at the end with some sort of quality and extra time.  This still takes a bit to get my head around as it is now 5 months down since I found out what was going on – 5 very long months, that are now seeming to rocket along faster than ever.  I don’t want time getting any faster at the moment – I mean I still have a few things left to cover off yet.  And no I still don’t have a bucket list – just things to do, people to see list.  We will just see how the fight with the stronger treatment works out really as it used to take a couple of days before it kicked in like this, where as now it is also immediately so by Wednesday I’ll be a lovely mess   Oh well – I can take it, I know I can.  Hopefully this helps to make sense of the saying – where the dying urge I have to stay alive by taking the Chemo actually makes you feel like it is killing you – nausea, pain, aches, & fatigue.  Still I shut up about this as there is far worse chemo routines that knock you harder so I take what I’m dealt.

A quiet evening – dinner, then starve until 9:30 for first drugs, then 10:30 for the new M&D time, then 11 for the next lot. Then bed – hopefully for a quiet night not a shitty restless one.  Hope all have had an enjoyable day/evening/arvo and fun Sunday.  Take care.

Kia Kaha.

Sorry folks tomorrow for this one as had a busy day and now loaded with Chemo which is messing me up a bit too much – pain & mentally so will resist what would be a rant about having to suffer the Chemo and crap that comes with it rather than blog about a day.

Ggggrrr – nearly 1:30 & still awake. Sodden bastard drugs!!! Sleeping pills maybe next.  I will win this sleep war and rest. Then blog in the morning.

We’ll first dose of Chemo by candle light on Friday (trying doing the drugs late evening this time to see if I can have a normalish day still) has worked with interesting impact. Back aching again, head fogging up quickly and general restlessness. Wake up multiple times too with joints aching so shuffle here and there.  Yay – I’ve missed my chemo friends – not!! Up in time together boys ready for footy. Manage to force down a muffin split as need to eat something. One way of trying to beat the nausea I have found is to speed eat. Sounds disgusting but as everything tastes lousy and I need food its sort of race to get pass the taste buds!  Tremors are bad today affecting both legs and arms – bother! Oh well guess this defines me for today.

Lachies first up for footy against CTFC and they have a fantastic game winning 8-0. Then off to Jacobs game against Nomads – unfortunately they weren’t as sharp and went down 5-1. Home then for lunch.

Again go for the gold medal in speed eating and get close to a record time for a muffin split and spaghetti. Grab my footy gear – just in case – and hitch a ride with fish to the Pinkies game. Good game – we have to win to be in with a chance of playing in the final next week. Manage to get a 2-2 draw from them so will have to wait and see. I didn’t end up playing as the lads all did so fantastically and didn’t breakdown that I wasn’t needed. Actually this was a good thing as I had so many pain killers on board I could hardly feel my legs so could have made some fun viewing. Would have run around even more random than normal Off back to the Nest for a drink after the sideline beers. No meat packs or alcohol today – bugger. Still feeling reasonably good. Head home about 6:45 – thanks Fish – as can’t eat after 7:30 cause of the Chemo routine. Yep now monitor every minute of the evening and thankfully not having an appetite makes it easy to ensure an empty tum.

Roh, Andy and the girls are visiting when I get home. Have a good evening with lots of laughs and enjoy a very yummy dinner thanks to the Andrews family – thank you Megan and Stuff. Sit watching the clock ready to start day 2! 9:30 – first lot on board. 10:30 next lot. Roh and Andy head off – I don’t turn into a monster or something so you don’t need to run away! Teasing you. Hang out about another 45 mins for the next drugs. Getting fuzzy and wound up early tonight – not good. Give the quick blog update for those in the know. Then crawl to bed. Finish my book then try to start the next one I’ve just downloaded – thanks for the suggestion To restless to read really so pain killers and lights off. Stare at ceiling for next hour. Decide to try to read again. Nope not into it – getting shifty!! Think of blogging – nope it’ll all be bad if I do. Finally drift off about 2:30 but have a crap sleep. So be it.

So this brings us to Sunday – with no Sun only rain. Will cobble out a better Ramble today, but here’s Saturday in a nutshell.

Till this evenings enlightening tail, stay safe, warm and happy cause I want you here to read this.

Kia Kaha.

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with keyboards.” – Solomon Short

I’m all for this quote – I mean just look at me and the crap that I let spill/drop/flow from my head to the keyboard!  Really – some days I can’t even reason with myself as to where half the dribble has come from!  Anyhow – thought I’d start on something light anyway.  A bit to cover today, I know and on a Friday too, but good news must be shared and insights spilled so we will try to cover it in a happy easy way that will not take 5 hours of analysis to understand as usual.  Mind you, like to give the punters value for money.

 “I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” – William Allan White

This quote for today is probably the most app one given the significance of the day.  Yes I am meant to start the next round of Chemo today.  But on Wednesday I went for an MRI to find out the cause of the head pain and see where ‘things’ are at with the mofo’s.  The results were not available though until this morning, and depending on what was shown, it would determine whether treatment was continued or not.  Needless to say it has been a nerve-racking and very restless time for those that knew what was happening.  Sorry for not sharing more but it is potentially leading to one of those times/situations where my future was about to either change into a new learning and acceptance of how short life could become (not that the fight would change), or the relief to know all the effort so far has made it worth while and that I’m on the right track.  Well it is good news that I can share.  The tumours have shown to have stopped grown as such, and the enhancement around them (the growth glow – in the picture the light grey mass around them) has darkened considerably meaning that they have effectively been starved therefore they can not grow.  The core of the tumours though remain and will so. But to put it bluntly – it is all good news for now!!  So start the next round of Chemo tonight at a higher dose again because I handled the last round so well – yeah right!!!  Still if this is the adjustment I must make in the battle then I will take it on.

Left the specialist somewhat happy about things, but in a way also still feeling very flat, which I’m not sure why.  All I can think is that while the news is fantastic really, it doesn’t detract from the fact that they are still there, and very real, and I still have head pain, and blurry vision, and, and, and.  Still probably not feeling fatigued, and a better sleep (here’s hoping that I can with doing the Chemo at night), I will be in a better frame of mind to take in where I’m at now.  Sue and I go to the chemist to hopefully get the Chemo script filled as the drugs are not standard ones and they are very expensive so the chemists don’t tend to stock them – they need to order them in and it takes a couple of days.  Fortunately my local pharmacy was expecting me and had at least got enough in to get me through till Monday.   Go to Thai Rendezvous for lunch while we wait for the script to be made up.  Actually have some sort of appetite back and manage to scoff down the hottest damn Green Curry I’ve had!  Lips nearly numb and bloody nose running – managed to catch it though   Pickup script and some bits from shops then home as fading away – the old fatigue beast is coming to visit.  Sort out the drugs so I’m ready to roll tonight so to speak.

Fight the fatigue monster off and try to do some work.  Sue goes to meet Lachie – I couldn’t manage to walk very far today, so stay home.  Jacob calls to say that someone has just crashed into the back of Dad’s ute so they’ll be a bit later home.  Fan, bloody, tastic – not!  Nat turns up and gets Lachie and her and the boy’s head off to indoor cricket.  Dad stops by then to drop off Jacob and swear about the car.  Jo Knudsen then stops by for a quick visit – lovely to see you Jo.  And thanks for the Lucozades – really helpful.

Nat and the boys return for dinner.  Quiet evening doing the blog and getting myself ready for the Chemo round as got to not eat from 7:30pm as need to take drugs on an empty tum at staggered times then over 3 hours.  Then retire to bed to suffer the night away.  So I hope all have had or are having a good day/arvo/evening too.  Have a brilliant, fun and safe weekend all.

Kia Kaha.

“Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can’t always see, the pain someone feels.” – Unknown

Semi early start to things today – but lay there staring at the ceiling – seems to have become my latest past time – and doze off again for a bit until the alarm shrieks at 7am.  Ahh – can’t be bothered today – another lack energy start. These sadly seem to be becoming more frequent.  Maybe a sign of things changing or what’s to become.  I hope not but then it will happen.  Unfortunately too it seems that the good energy level days are becoming less and so therefore more effort is needed to get myself going.  Rustle myself out of bed to make the morning cuppa and get on with the day.  Can’t stand the smell of toast today and just about are heaving when walking down the stairs.  I love the smell of toast – so to have this reaction is not enjoyable.  Head to work and feeling better – energy is up again – for now.

Quite day but make steady progress with things, until I have a big flat spot about 10:30.  Energy hasn’t just depleted – its gone.  Feel like I could bearly stand.  I don’t feel sleepy, so not tired, it’s fatigue – as I’m just zapped completely of everything.  Have a Berocca and see if that will lift me – just enough. Head downstairs to see Tom, Matt and Stephen from Waikato – have a quick chat and catch up.  Then head back to the safety of my desk. Hang in here until about 1:30.  Head home to rest up as head also now starting to give a lot more pain and don’t want it to get away on me.  Well that idea didn’t last – get home and Dad comes over – he’s just got home from the ship.  Have a good catch up then he heads off. I struggle around for a bit more, then give in and lay down in the sun.  Have a snooze for a bit, well an hour or so.  Struggle then to get up again.  Not in a good place feeling like this as it takes its toll on you mentally while trying to fight against the physical deterioration.  Sue and the boy’s head off to Nats for a catch up so I drag my ass up and go and get dinner ready – at least I feel I have done something for the day then.

Quiet evening, blogging and just trying to figure out a few things in my head.  Might have a soak in the bath actually to see if that eases the aches, pains and drained feeling.  High strength pain killers not really cutting the mustard but making me more tired again – bugger.  A soak will give me some chill out time to think – seem to spend a huge amount of time doing that these days – thinking.  I might have to stop it, as I don’t want to wear the brain out – ironically.  Flag the bath idea as Mrs Brown on soon so put electric blanket on instead and will watch that then head to a warm bed to read a chapter before sleep – well probably will finish the book actually as only 1 chapter to go I think.  Will download the next book now ready – thanks for the suggestions of reading too from folk out there

Quick note too – those folks that have comments that haven’t shown as approved or replied too, I am looking at these as once again the website is playing tricks on me where it says they’re approved but don’t and others are staying locked.  I will workout what’s happening and sort it out with the webmaster – but not tonight.  Thanks for the comments though – keep them coming.

Take it easy, have fun, enjoy life – and be safe!

Kia Kaha.

“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticise me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.” – William Arthur Ward

“A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.” – William Arthur Ward

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.” – Unknown

I know 3 quotes – but I like them all and think there is some relevance to todays ramblings.  Take what you can/want from them but I know I enjoy them.

Interesting amount of ‘stuff’ rattling in the grey sludgy matter today.  Slept through till 7 – new pain killers are great!! While I’ve slept the brain has obviously had a fun night working over a few things as having some inspirational little bursts – pity I haven’t written them down!  Must do that as the old memory is a bit dodgy at time – funny that!  Still in a good head space, so that’s now day 4, I think, which is great.  Physically though Wilson arm sore and head is too but that’s normal.

I could ramble on about friends, life, shitty things that life throws at us, what I’ve got, what’s going to happen to me – but really we know all this anyway.  We are all going to eventually leave this world – how?  Well, yes you could say you could influence that, but it is not a way that I would think any one I know would consider.  While there maybe many fights worth walking away from, it doesn’t mean that you concede that there isn’t a battle worth having.  Just play it smarter – after all, I might have turned my back many times of fights but it doesn’t mean that I’ve not got my score sheet for vengeance still running.  Probably an Edmonds trait I would say that we don’t give in and will find a way to fight on always – bloody minded stubbornness!

I think that one of the hardest things at the moment though is trying to find what the lesson is from the path on currently on while travelling this journey we’re on.  I mean, really there must be something! Yep, could get deep into it but that’s wrong, as the most easiest lessons in life are those at the surface.  So I guess I better listen to my own words there and stop diving to the deep stuff and start looking at what’s lying on the surface.  Some will say not to look others will say to look harder.  Whatever way you look at it – it’s your choice, and I have mine – just mine happens to be more public!  I’m looking and maybe one day I’ll have an answer, but if along the way others learn something then all the better.

On with the day – Nigel, and several others from Fairfax IT Auckland are in town for meetings.  Nigel an I have a chance to catch up and chat about lots of things – thanks Nigel.  Also good to see all the others too.  I would have done my hair if I knew we were going to have you all here – teasing!  Quietly, steady day again.  Stuck on a job that I just can’t get to run properly, but I’ll get it sorted.  Head off about 1:15 to get an MRI done.  Then home.  Feeling absolutely exhausted! Try to get on with work  but struggling.  Eventually stop and we go for a walk to get some fresh air to see if that revives me.  Stop by The Booth family to say Hi and have a quick catch up.

Home then for dinner.  Have a bourbon and pain-killer starter for dinner – I know not right but it works!  Joh then calls for a quick catch up too – thanks Joh.  Struggling with fatigue tonight still, so are thinking I will be a finish blog and hit the sack night and try to finish the book I’ve been reading for the past 4 months – I know, slow ass reader.  It’s not electronic so it takes a while longer to make work, as I can’t find the on switch   Rightly – enough dribble for the today.  Be good, rest and play well – take care.

Kia Kaha.

“Starting tomorrow – whatever life throws at me, I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else” – Unknown

Early start today for the right reasons – to watch Valerie Adams attempt to win gold. Well also awake with the head too but good timing.  Mood feeling better still as well and had a fairly good solid sleep so long may it continue.  Sue gets up to watch it as well.  Good effort by Valerie but obviously disappointed to be beaten by a more ‘solid’ lad   That chick? that won it looked very dodgy.  Maybe a new class of athlete could be made for them – Male, Female and those to yet decide   Oohh – that’s nasty!  I guess that regardless these folk are the top of their game and deserve to be there so it is more than I’ve done.

The inspirational flow of crap from the head is slow today and I’m not sure why really as the brain is running at a million miles an hour.  But that could actually be why.  To much to fast to capture some of it to use!  Been thinking of how unpredictable life really is and while we try to make it right and perfect for ourselves some days stuff just comes from left field to bugger that up.  We can’t control everything in our lives though we like to often think that we do and can.  As I found out that 3 mofo’s could be happily growing away without any real trace of existence to me until I noticed some ‘not right’ features developing – slurred speech, etc.  I guess in a way I was lucky, as from what I have read about similar tumours the fist sign of something wrong is a severe seizure, etc.  While I say I’m lucky in a sense I’m not actually really sure if I am so lucky as with everyday as the tremors grow worse, the fatigue digs in harder, and my battle with Wilson is more pronounced and enduring – I am on a tentative watch for the first seizure.  Not a nice way to live really.  Also everyday – morning and night I do a little checklist of myself physically and mentally, to make note of what is changing and how.,  There are days where I do not feel like and are not my normal self – probably more pronounced over the past few weeks.  Hence the reference to missing myself.  I know that I’m not me – persae mentally, but I can feel that and can’t explain what its like been trapped in me looking at this other person acting out differently.  Even though I’m assured that nothing is really different, to me it is.

On with the day off to work and another quietly steady day.  Finding it hard to concentrate as head hurting – background pain and fatigue keeps wearing me down.  Hang in there until Sue collects me for the Chemo Specialist appointment at the hospital.  All goes well.  Though on a daily dosing of Panadol now to keep the head pain at a lower level.  Great more bloody drugs again! They think the pain, fatigue & nausea is related to the Radiation treatment still as it can take 6-8 weeks after treatment finishes to wear off.  How is that for a hangover! Then home and need a rest as fatigue has kicked in again!  Keep falling asleep and then wake up, walk about 50 meters then need to rest again – sad:-(  Also Wilson is having a tingly arvo and must be cold as having a few tremors to keep warm.

Dinner time – Lachie heats up the meal that Roh has prepared for us – thanks Roh. Sue and Roh are out at movies tonight so home alone with my 2 wee minders.  Think I’ll probably sleep the time away as knackered again.  Must finish the blog – ahh!  Keep drifting off – bugger.  Sick of Olympics and crap TV!  Hope you have had or are having a great day/arvo/evening.  Relax, and enjoy and be safe.

Kia Kaha.