3 Too Many

“Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.” – Unknown

For as tired as I am I expected to have a great sleep.  Unfortunately I again went to sleep then woke again about an hour later – no reason, just awake.  Finally go back to sleep about 2:30.  Sleep through then until about 7:30 – so I did get to have some sort of decent sleep.  Not in a good head space though on waking and head is hurting at about a 6-7 pain level which is bordering on going to hospital if it doesn’t ease up.  Head downstairs to consume pain killers, as need to get on top of this pain before it gets away on me. 

Nutty stops by for a visit.  I take the opportunity to do Fridays blog.  Pain killers are starting to do their thing.  Mood hasn’t improved yet either, just feel very wound up and don’t know why.  Blog don and feeling better – head pain now about a 3-4 level so manageable.  Nutty heads off.

Head off on a walk and manage to trek out 8.2 kms.  Absolutely stuffed but happy about doing that distance.  Home then and have some lunch – not that the tummy is happy about it as feeling very nauseous.  Over the nausea really.  If anything I could drop from the side effects, it would be this.  Head off then to SuperCheap to buy a new fan belt for Bessie (the Beetle).  Back home, absolutely exhausted so have a little seat in the sun.  I wake up an hour and half later when Tex arrives to drop off Jess and Jake, who are having a sleep over tonight.  Head really hurting again so dose up on pain killers again.  Have taken enough that head is fuzzy – but mood is improving  – go figure   Tex heads off then.

Sue takes the kids to Pioneer pool and I stay home to sort out Bessie.  Manage to get most of it sorted but the belt is the wrong size.  Glen comes over from next door and we have a fat chat about the car and the shed.  Head inside then as getting cold.  Start cooking dinner so that kids can eat as soon as they get back. 

Do dinner then sit down to do blog while watching the rugby.  Slow going, as not a lot to really write about.  Head been hurting quite a lot today, have managed to keep it within a manageable level which is pleasing.  Cramps still going on and off, and nausea hanging on with a tight grip.

Sorry it’s a boring ramble but head and mood not much into the ramble.  Take care and have a fantastic weekend.  Till tomorrow. 

Kia Kaha.

“Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit.” – Conrad Hilton

Just a quick update – absolutely knackered now so will do the blog in the morning.  All good just very tired and aching all over (probably from walking home from work).  So think bed rest is the best option.  Had a great day all up though.  Hope everyone else has and is heading into the weekend with good intentions.

Hullo – yep back and fighting again.  Sorry no ramble last night, but there are times that you have to call it quits before you fall apart totally.  And I had hit the wall about 10:30 last night.  The day had started, as you would see from the early morning rambling/dribble that came from the head, at 5am but the sleep had been very broken until then too.  Guess there is a bit of stuff still processing in the grey matter.  Besides that I was that aching that I couldn’t lay down or stand up so sitting up in bed typing an extra blog was helpful as couldn’t be arsed reading.  Head also hurt immensely laying down.

Get up and into the day.  Have a feeling it is going to be a good one.  Off to work then via Lachies school.  Share my love of 4 wheel drive twat head drivers when one thinks that merging like a zip is him tailgating a car in front.  Share my idea of his lack of anatomy to which his wife has a horrified look on her face.  Nice to know she can lip read   He understood the hand gestures (obviously still in a prehistoric state and hasn’t learnt to speak yet).  Anyway – Vectra wins and feel better for it and they merged behind us.  Handy been the passenger some days.

Work is good and steady for a Friday.  I head out to lunch with a couple of suppliers – thanks guys.  It was a lovely outing.  Pity the nausea was playing up and I couldn’t really stomach anything.  Head back to the office then and manage to hang in there until nearly 4.  Then I hit the streets and walk home – 6.5km it is.  Get home stuffed, overheating and feeling great!!  Part of this new determination to keep fit and start to push myself more to do things as I’m sick of being sick.  Am feeling better already for it, and I know that some days I’m going to be couch, chair bound so making the most of the good days.

Roh, Andy and the girls are here for Friday arvo’s (those that don’t know – it’s Friday wines and nibbles). Get a call then from and old mate Jay, who is going to come over ot visit.  Nausea not good still – well at least I’ll lose some more weight I guess, still need to drop another 10kgs really.  Jay turns up for a catch up too – great to see you again.  Have F&C for tea, and an evening of chatting and laughs.

Not really much of an exciting day really, but there it is.  Another day accounted for.

Till the next ramble – take care and stay true.

Kia Kaha.

As promised, I’ve had a bad sleep, and said that I’d just let the crap flow out if I had a night like that again.  So here it is – short and sweet. I say it is dribble from the shead cause it is dribble from my shitty head, hence shed. Also when I say bad sleep, I went to sleep for a whole 2-3 hours. Then awake. Not a restless turnover waking.  We’re talking awake get up the brains in top gear so should the body. It’s 3am! What’s in the noggin at this time? Scones! My mind is processing making cheese scones. Just so you’re clear to, when I say processing it is working out everything and I can visualize it to the finest degree. I manage to put the scones aside, so to speak, and get more sleep.

4:10 – awake again. This time head hurting. Very deep pain – oh oh. This is usually a bad sign that the brain is going to have a hurting day. Moved on from scones too. I’m now thinking about life and how much has changed in 5 months.  not just for me but for everyone I know. It saddens me to think of the negative impact I’m having on others lives. I know some people will say that it’s the opposite – and I thank those of you in advance for saying that. But in reality I feel different. I feel robbed of so many things – a future, the ability to make any life plans, getting to see the boys grow into men, growing old, etc. Then again I’m not the only person with a terminal illness so I can’t wallow in self-pity.  There are children that are facing the same, but at least I’ve had 45 years of life experience. If anything, I would say that seeing a child endure a fight and how they, with maturity beyond their years, just fight on bravely, generally not complaining.  This empowers me with hope for myself, in that if they can do it then why can’t I?  Back to sleep.

5:00 – head hurting too much now. Must get high strength pain killers on board. Body aching all over too. Shuffle downstairs, make a cuppa tea and take my breakfast drug cocktail. Back to bed then and write this up while waiting on drugs to work. Best time of the day I reckon. The world is so peaceful at this hour. Brain, even though hurting, is still processing. This time it is thinking about the Doc visit yesterday.  She was impressed at how the initial symptoms I first saw her with in March had all but disappeared.  She even commented on the notes that the hospital had sent through saying that through my mental attitude and determination to fight this has made the treatment delivered so far to be classed as successful. So for all those times of being called a stubborn shit, I guess it’s times like this that it comes in handy especially when you’re as well-practiced as I am   I guess why I was thinking about this is because I feel as if I’m on the edge of falling into dark sad places again, and my logical self is trying to save my emotional self by remembering the positives and reinforcing them. Head still hurting by the way. It seems to be working a bit as feel not so down but more just flat. At least energy today feels better than yesterday too – so another positive. Thinking too about what I can do to improve the memory, as forgetting more now, especially shorter term stuff. To the point I am forgetting whole words and sometimes sentences.  I couple of people have noticed this already so it must be getting worse. So if I get stuck then just a little prompt please.  It is just another mark it things happening and will get worse, but I’m trying to fight it as long as possible. See I’m a firm believer that while these mofos are doing their things like making Wilson mis-behave, slur speech and forget stuff, if I work hard enough then the brain will find a way to rewire (for want of a better term) a path to enable me to keep going. I’ve managed to do it with Wilson a couple of times.  The only thing is this time it is a lot harder to do.

6:30 – enough typing dribble.  It’s time to get up, put on the glad rags and wander off to the office.

Hope this is a little insight to an average nights ‘rest’.  There is far more going on to than what I’ve put here.  Just some of it is not suitable for a public forum or I just don’t want to share.

Have a fantastic fun Friday all. Thinking of you all.

Kia Kaha.

“Courage is reclaiming your life after a devastating event robs you of your confidence and self-esteem. It is facing tomorrow with a firm resolve to reach deep within yourself to find another strength, another talent. … It is taking yourself to another level of your own existence where you are once again whole, productive, special…” — Catherine Britton

Howdy folks. A lousy but at least a near full nights sleep.  The brain was more settled and in a relaxed state – probably so bloody worn out, so didn’t remain awake for hours at a time as usual.  Woke several times as usual but managed to go back to sleep.  Even turned the alarm off as I was awake but then fell back to sleep and not wake until 7:25 – so all panic in the house as everyone slept in.

Dad stops by to take me to the doctor  then drops me into the office.  Seeing the Doc to get top ups of drugs and a quick check up too.  All good – heart still going – fabulous, lungs still working properly – handy, blood pressure still perfect – of course, brain still ticking over – bonus! Stop by the chemist to get some sea bands – wrist bands that press on accupressure points in the wrist that help with nausea.  Handy as feeling very crappy today.  Get into work and get on with the day.  Quiet,steady day. 

Have lunch as feeling ok – sort of but then start to feel lousy again not long after.  Catch a ride home with Sue then.  Have some more drugs for pain and nausea, which sort of work for about an hour then end up vomiting   First time for everything.  Go and have a lay down then and fall asleep for about 1 1/2 hours!  So much for a quick nap.  Still feeling crappy and sore.  Have to accept that it is one of those draining days where the nauseous feelings and pain will be the winners no matter what I throw at them.  I just now have to focus on managing it so that I don’t take the drop into too much pain and end up in the hospital.  I will not end up there!!!  I will not!!  Days like this I hate as you are riding a rollercoaster of energy, nausea, pain and ultimately emotion that tags along with it all.  It just gets you down.  Still visualise my little bucket of energy and taking the cupfuls out that I need.  I think that really then I have managed well and try to stay positive about it all.  Though you do ask what the hell is there to be positive about – been sick, having pain, dying? Really – what?  Damn the dark side is pushing through.  Emotions are changing how I feel every few minutes it seems. – not fun for me or others really.  I can’t be bothered with the day really and going to bed is looking the best option at the moment.  Just want to escape the world and be alone for a while.

Decide to soak in the bath for a bit of time out and to try to sooth the aches and pains.  Then watch Mrs Browns Boys and head to bed.  I will be glad when today over as I’m over it and I’ll get to see what tomorrow brings for me.  That’s the one guarantee in life – no 2 days are the same as much as I would love them to be. So I’m only positive that tomorrow will be different – maybe good, maybe bad – lets see what personality gets dragged out.  No promises for anyone that its going to be a nice or happy one.  Love the effects that these steroids have.  M&D time – though even Milo tastes terrible – so just drug time then bed.  Have a good night/day/arvo all.

Kia Kaha.

“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane” – Anonymous

Guess what – another crappy sleep.  No surprises there though as it is all part of the Chemo hangover.  I was going to actually do a special blog at 1:30 this morning just to let all the stuff fall out and let you see what is going through the brain at that hour.  Believe me, there is a huge amount.  I’m even back to basically living through the basic bits of a day by going through processes such as making a cup of tea.  Sad really that I have such things waking me and stealing away my resting hours.  There is also some other things processing too, but they won’t be mentioned as the blog is not a place for the dark places to be brought out.  But there is also good things like planning how I will be using my “bucket of energy” tomorrow.

This plan to use energy in this way has come from a suggestion to try breaking the day into blocks based on things I have to do and knowing when I have down time too.  I actually went further and researched this suggestion.  It turns out that in the UK they are using the idea of dealing and coping with fatigue in the same way.  They tell you to visualise that you start the day with a bucket that contains your energy for the day – as if it is water. You know the key things you have to do during the day – could be work, appointments, treatment or the likes.  So you need to allow that you will be taking energy out of the bucket for these things. You will then be left with a bit that you will need to just do the basics and the remainder is free to use.  Now I know this is not everyone’s way of trying to do this or even to be able to properly understand what I’m on about but I have now settled into a routine of dealing with days like this and it seems to be working for me.  Though you have to accept too, that there are days like Monday, where you just kick the bucket over as its to damn hard.  I have now learnt too that I can’t just do that.  We all have bad days – just I have rotten bad days especially when I have a Chemo hangover.

Into the day.  Off to the office again, and have a good day lasting through until about 2:30. Head is starting to hurt a bit and so Karen drops me home – thanks Karen.  Take it easy for a bit resting up on the couch.  Guess I’ve used to much from the bucket already.  Have dinner then watch some TV while doing the blog.  Struggling to stay awake and have cramp and pain going on in different places.  Might actually head for a soak in the bath to see if that helps the pain and relaxes me enough to sleep.  Fingers crossed I do sleep tonight as I have decreased my steroids again and I suspect that they are the brain winder – well they were the cause early on.  Still in a happy place too, so regardless, I’m still smiling through the gritted teeth in my squirrel face (yep puffed up again with steroids – this time it is definitely them).  M&D time and bed.  Hope all have had an enjoyable and knowledgable day/arvo/evening.  Remember to keep cool til after school.

Kia Kaha.

“My stubborn mind will beat this failing body!!! If it’s the last thing I do.” – Antony Edmonds

Howdy readers.  Another day, another crappy sleep behind me and feeling lousy as.  Sick of this going to sleep to then wake soon after then get to lay there ceiling staring for the next couple of hours till I finally fall asleep again.  Only for it to repeat again.  Oh well I could always count it as bonus time really as not sleeping time away. Get up at 6:45 to have my drug brekky – I find it sad that my life now evolves around a plastic box of drugs – is this what I’m really reduced to?  I then race through a bowl of corn flakes while the taste buds are still asleep and not making their metallic taste and the tum hasn’t realise that it is going to feel nauseous. Heading into the office today regardless of how I’m going as need company, and don’t want to be home. 

Get into work – nice to be there.  Manage to do a longer day and leave at 3:15.  Then head home.  Decide to walk the 5.6km to home as it is away of keeping fit and even though I am drained as it is a good way of getting over the fatigue.  Have cramp in my feet for most of the trip – do you know how much that hurts walking for an hour odd with your toes curled up?  Lets just say – ouch and be done with that!  Hence where I got todays saying from – as my mind is stubborn enough to make the body keep moving, even though the body is actually telling me to stop and rest.  Get home in just over an hour, which given how sore and stuffed I am I don’t think is too bad.  Also the walk gives me plenty of time to think about things. 

What I have been thinking about last night and today is this.  I have heard from a person that also has terminal cancer, and I have been thinking about what I have found along this journey to be helpful in dealing with everything.  I know I have said that it is very much a process of learning as there is no book that fits all and one.  But if I could say that the biggest thing that has helped is strength – mental and physical.  If you are mentally strong then you can face your journey with realism.  The more physically fit you are then the stronger you will be through treatment and it helps your recovery.  I know that different treatments affect each individual differently so it is easy to say stay fit and you’ll be fine.  I was fit, and are bloody determined to get back to where I was 5 months ago, but it has been a struggle each day to work on.  I have had to learn to accept that days like yesterday are down days and trying to do anything is going to be hard – very hard some days. But treat the days energy supply as if it is a bucket, and you know that you have to take a cup full-out each time you want to do something, therefore plan ahead if you can, sit down when needed and nap if it helps, but always try to keep moving if you can.  I am finding that even on draining days if I make myself do something – like today walking home – it invigorates you to be able to do more.  Mental strength means that you will face what is thrown at you, and there is a bit during the journey, with the courage that you are called to draw on almost everyday.  When talking to people, it is sometimes harder for them to hear you talk so freely about your illness, also be honest in answering everyone – including children – this can be the hardest part, but they are resilient and small bits of information they can process goes a long way for their understanding.  Keep it honest though is the biggest part.  As hard as it can be, it must be always honest.  Hope this little bit helps in some way and no doubt I will ramble on some more about it and other things but this has to be what I have now found – thanks to guidance and suggestions from friends, family and professionals. 

Off to Pam and Karl’s for dinner with them and Rose, Nevil and Jenny.  Nice to catch up with all and a very yummy dinner thanks.  Lovely relaxing evening.  Head home so the lads can get their beauty sleep and be fresh for school.  Sit down then to blog – and have a tantrum at the stupid bloody laptop – arrrhh.  It is doing strange things and provoking a wave of nasty words to flow from my mouth.  See – even IT folk have computer issues!!!  Standard fix done – reboot the computer – yes turned it off and on 3 times   Right – M&D time now, and time to head to bed for a rest –  haha I say that loosely as the way I’m feeling it’s going to be a long night.  Wilson has had his moments today which has worn me down a bit – walking home he wouldn’t even carry my jacket for me – in fact he rudely dropped it 4 times.  Might have to teach it some manners I feel with bad behaviour like that!  Right enough for today. Foggy brain coming on as pain killers getting to work.  Take care and have a brilliant day/evening/arvo where ever you are getting to read this from.  Till the morrow.

Kia Kaha.

“Illness or disability takes away a part of your life, but in doing so, it gives you the opportunity to choose the life you will lead, as opposed to living the one you’ve simply accumulated over the years.” – Dr. Arthur Frank

Well for all the fatigue on Sunday do you think I can get to sleep? Hell no! Brain in super processing mode tonight. And I have pains and cramp in every god damn joint my body has. Even the strong pain killers and a sleeping pill not doing anything for me. I lay here in tears just wanting to stop thinking about anything and to rest. This is the price I must pay obviously for a good day Saturday. Sorry a well balanced energy day we will say. I actually suspect that it is as expected the dreaded Chemo hangover so will probably get far worse yet before getting better. Don’t get me wrong – yes I am moaning a bit, but it is, more to let you know the crap that goes on at times thanks to these mofos. Fantastic – huge wave of nausea now come over me. FFS – this nothing short of taking the piss!!  Crap night sleep in the end.  Feel like I’ve been made to sleep nailed in place.  Wake at 5:50 and contemplate getting up just to do something.  Can’t really move though so stay put, thinking about stuff until 6:30.  Drag myself up with the intention of heading into the gym to see if some exercise helps (actually based on something I read yesterday about how when fatigued, doing a physical activity can help take you through it and make you feel better).  Do 20 mins in gym and 15 on spin bike and feel a bit better.  Eat some brekky then to see if that helps too.  Unfortunately – nope to both and starting to fade again huge time.  Make the call then to stay home to be near drugs and sofa    Mood isn’t exactly one for sharing with others either.  Would prefer to stay put on my own really. 

Unfortunately the day doesn’t get any better really.  Even walking upstairs is a real effort, both physically and mentally.  Not good when you feel like flaking out half way up.  And running out of breath very easily.  Did I mention I hate feeling like this?  Quiet day just shuffling round the house and resting up.  The only energetic thing I do is climb into the roof space to try to fit in the flooring that was left after the EQC repairs so more crap can be stored in there.  Spend more time sitting on my chuff than doing anything really.  Deb saves me by coming over with some Amish bread.  Thanks Deb, I don’t think I could have lasted much longer up there.  And thanks for the bread – bloody awesome!

Have dinner then blog time. Did you know that of all the cramp in the body, I reckon that cramp in your ankle has to take the prize for the most painful. Actually scrub that – just had cramp in my thumb – OMG – that one rates up there with the best of them!  Timely reminder for me to order some more anti-cramping drink.  Done!  Watch some tv then heading to bed I feel after M&D time.  Electric blanket on, hhhmmm – the warmth eases the pains.  I must be getting old – oh dear that sounds so soft really. So there we have it a slow day doing nothing much. Head in a foggy place now so will

Hope all have had a great day/evening/arvo and made lots of wonderful memories.  Take care till we ramble again.

Kia Kaha.

“You can’t fight for a place in someone’s life because no matter how hard you try to keep your place they’ll put you where they want to even if it’s not where you should be.” – Unknown

“When you get a little, you want more.  When you get more, you desire even more. But when you lose everything, you realise little was enough.” – Unknown

Double quote day folks.  I like these 2 – not that they are really relevant to today’s activity, but just I like them and hope you do too. Fairly solid sleep, but would have preferred a sleep in – unfortunately body aches and head pains – thanks mofo’s – don’t allow such activity.  Up and dose up for the day.  I thought that overdoing it yesterday would pay the price today with energy, etc.  Seems to be right   The old brain has been at its best overnight too, and I have made a couple of notes this time so I can expand on what the grey matter has churned on.

It was probably started after talking with Tex & Jules last night, which is fine as obviously my subconscious thinks that I need to deal with it more. I was processing more ‘dark places’ – now for clarity when I use this term it is used in the sense that it is generally death related, or future happenings of what is to come in terms of my health, and more importantly what is going to happen with you and others once I’m gone.  Or to use a line from the film A Good Death,  “I mean we talk about the journey of life … Well what about the journey of death?”  How true. Sorry to be blunt but it is going to happen, and is my/our reality, and I have accepted and deal with it.  But instead of so much getting held in the dark places this time, I feel I have found some light in it all and can get myself away from been held there like I was several weeks ago.  There are times when it still hits you about what is happening – I don’t need the constant reminders of it to make me know that.  But days like today where the energy is wavering – even the new ploy of dealing out the energy levels hour by hour are as struggle to do.  And emotions riding high, make random teary sessions a reality – especially as I have time to process things as cleaning out the garage.  I have I feel now gone from feeling I am dying from brain tumours to living with brain tumours.  And from this I now have to make the most of the living I have left to be able to continue to be me.  Not a manifestation of the old me – but the new me – defining my life with cancer not letting it define me.  It takes some work and I am learning myself so please excuse me if I get it wrong sometimes.  Made a new plan too that I’m going to start biking either to or from work, building up to both.  Obviously on good days, but that means I can do more hours and also keep up my fitness.  Plus they haven’t said I could bike – yet!  Actually I’ll probably be a bigger hazard on a bike than in a car.  Celebrated having my driver’s licence for 30 years on Friday – scary eh, to think I’ve driven a car for two-thirds of my life.  Even scarier is to think I was 2 years older than Jacob now when I got my licence and getting around in an XY Falcon – man that lad better grow up a bit more before I’ll let him behind the wheel.

Quiet day ahead planned. Need to get in the garage to try to clear it out, as I have a load of crap in there that I need to purge, cause I’m not going to ever use it in the future.  Do Saturday’s blog then Have brekky then shuffle off to the garage.  Have a bit of a fun time in there really as find some old photo’s and letters, leaving cards, etc going back to the early 90’s.  Have to keep stopping though as feel I’m going to flake out! Finally give up about 4:15 and come in to start todays blog before I forget what I was going to do, and also it is great therapy too.

Off to cook a Green Curry for dinner (I can taste them so bugger the rest if they want it or not).  Then quiet evening resting so I don’t spiral downhill tomorrow.  Curry was awesome – if I say so myself and enough for lunch tomorrow.  Dishes all done and head hurting now so signing off blog early (also means you can all have an early night, so you’re fresh and ready to face the week ahead.  M&D time later then to bed with the intention to shut the brain down.  Might do a bit more reading as that seems to work – well sometimes.  Take care all see ya on the flip side.

Kia Kaha.

“Positive belief in yourself will give you the energy needed to conquer the world and this belief is the power behind all creation.” ― Stephen Richard

Sleep – well drug induced, but sleep at least.  Nice foggy brain feeling to start the day – god I hate sleeping pills!  But a necessary evil sometimes – though had never taken them until the mofo’s came in to my life.  How things change.  In for a busy day with footy – last competition games of the season – and we are out for dinner and rugby tonight, so going to be a very delicate art of balancing my energy levels and pain levels to get through it all, as I am bloody determined to do so. Nausea is also going to have to be attacked head on so I have fuel at least to keep the energy ticking over.  This is going to be a really testing day, I feel.  Mood is a bit short today too – hopefully just because of the foggy feeling and I’ll shake it later.  Wilson is making his presence known though – ggrrr!!!  Actually of all the things during the day that tend to drain me the most it would be :- Wilson, memory (having to work harder to remember simple things, short-term is getting worse), pain & fatigue. 

Force brekky down and get ready to head to Jacob’s game – thankfully at Spreydon Domain behind home so if I’m not to good I can retreat quickly.  Dad comes over too to watch Jacob’s game.  We have a great chat about all sorts on the sideline – haven’t had much Father, Son time like that in many years – so totally enjoyed it. Great game to end the season too and it ends in a 4-4 Draw.  Pleased I got to see it the game. Lachlan’s team wasn’t as successful unfortunately, loosing 2-1.  Oh well, that’s footy.  Hopefully the older lads can do better this afternoon.  Head home for lunch.

Another forced meal – frypan cheese toasties.  Manage to get through them though.  Getting to be a pro at speed eating – disgusting really, but unfortunately it is how I have to live some days as the anti-nausea drugs don’t take away the taste (horrible metal flavour in the mouth) and the churning.  Enough of the grossness.  Arm my self with pain killers, a Lucozade and a Berocca – that should get me through.  Only got to content with Wilson and the random left leg now.  Get kitted up for the game – yep playing today!! 

Fish stops by to get me and we head off to the encounter against CTFC.  Have an awesome time playing, and probably and up on the field for about 3/4 of the game, so about an hour or so of footy.  Nice to be able to take a place on then field with the rest of the lads, and feel like part of the team.  Good natured game too, thanks CTFC.  Unfortunately we loose but, had a fantastic time which was just as important to me.  Energy levels really tested through out with times of wanting to just stop and drop (actually did that once – doh).  Learning to take micro pauses and try to re-gather my energy.  It seems to work for me and I’ll stick with it.

Get dropped home, have a shower and get ready to head off to Tex and Jules for dinner and rugby.  Rowdy and the kids arrive too.  Kids all head off together like their old mates.  Have a throughly enjoyable evening, delicious dinner (potatoes were lovely Jules – Sue told me to say that) and well good rugby game.  Very relaxing and I didn’t fall asleep or fade off – even  though I was in the sleeping chair ;-).  Awesome dessert too Tex – I need the recipe please.  Thanks for the awesome evening though – really was fun and relaxing.  It has been far, far to long since we’ve caught up and definitely must do it again soon – our place next time.  Thank you again for a wonderful evening.

Get home about 12:45 round the boys into bed.  I consider doing the blog but are to worn out and sore so go for the pain killers and sleep option.

Hope all had an energy filled day full of fun.  Till tomorrow (well today actually) – keep safe and have fun.

Kia Kaha.

“I will live my life today with what energy I possess now, and not submit to how my health shall try to force me to live too soon” – Antony Edmonds

Crap sleep Only way to describe it.  Woke more times than I care to note even.  It’s like the evil combinations of pain and aches that the body can devise.  Bloody cramps are also back for a visit – esp. cramp in the sole of my feet.  Should have just got up really.  Well only do to take pain killers.  Brain is also whirring by.  Thankfully on a steroid decrease at the moment so that should subside – I hope.  Going to give in tonight and take a sleeping pill as I can’t take this lack of sleep, etc.  I need a night of full coma’ed sleep!!

Thankfully the emotions of yesterday have settled down and are rightly back in their little box!   They can wait until next year to try resurfacing again thanks.  But really I know and accept that each event involving someone close is going to be hard emotionally as you really do ask yourself, how many more?  It is not a morbid or fearful or unrealistic thing to do.  I just putting it out there, that when you face the reality of a terminal notice, these things are in the back of your mind, constantly, and while you do the best to suppress them (wrongly or rightly) it is real.  I am only going to see a finite number more of them.  The more the merrier I say, but we will see what happens, eh.  Also thank you for the kind words everyone yesterday – they helped and are a wonderful support.  Meant to say too, did anyone see Close Up last night, and the piece on A Good Death?  About planning your care near the end?  Very interesting.  Going to look into it more.  And no I’m not been morbid again either – just real.  Its going to happen and I want my bloody ducks in their correct rows, so take an interest in these things.  Just asking a question too.

On with the day, no gym today as 2 days on 1 off routine till I’m back to full strength.  Off to the office again.  Feeling as nauseous as ever, so guess the Chemo hangover has kicked in now.  It took about 4 days last time before it really did it’s thing, so am probably about to suffer through the next 2 weeks, then bounce back for a few days before the fun starts again.  I have a plan not to end up in hospital this round and will do my absolute best to keep away from there.  We head out to lunch at the cafe under the SHBC tower – force myself to have a very nice Bacon and Egg Bap, and excellent company with my colleagues – thanks guys.  Been to long since lunches / brekkies.  Get back to work and my ride arrives.  Go and collect Jacob and Brad before heading home to rest a bit as starting to fall in energy levels. 

Sue heads off to Wendy’s for Friday arvo’s and the boys stay home with me.  Jacob and Brad go to hire a PS3 game.  I take it easy pottering around the place been a pain and barking at the kids – my speciality   Send the lads for F&C for tea then kick them off the PS3 so I can watch crap TV.  Not much else to report really.  A quiet night feeling sick and drained.  Fall asleep watching TV as knackered.  So M&D time with extras then bed to – I hope – sleep!!!

Kia Kaha.