3 Too Many

“I don’t know if I’m getting better or just used to the pain.” – Unknown

Crappy as sleep – well basically about 3 1/2 hours all up.  The sadness has given way to the darkness and bad feelings.  Kept waking thinking about so many things and also the pain. Was thinking in a strange way that I am lucky because I’ve been forced to slow down (I know amazing – me slow down), re-prioritise and observe more of life.  When you only have a limited time left you hit a point where you start to realise that somethings just don’t matter, and there are a lot of things that just happen in life that you should take notice of.  In other words, take time to stop and smell the roses not just look at them as you pass by.  I guess most recently, as you would see from the blog, I have noticed more about the boys and how they are growing into fine young men. 

Also it is so hard to describe just what it is like from the inside of this hell, that has become my life.  Everyday is a battle against yourself and everyday is different.  It is incredibly frustrating not been able to plan a real day of activity – as the pain maybe to much, it depends on what drugs I’m on, etc.  From the inside out it is really strange as you are mentally all over the place some days, emotionally scattered, and physically suffering, and it can be all bad some days or all good.  I think the down turn in my state of mind is because I am starting to prepare myself for the Chemo and as I know what it does to me, it messes with your head as you are ironically, willingly poisoning yourself, to try to get a bit better.  I have some more questions for the Doctor as well on Monday about the treatment plan.  I was debating in my head last night, the reasoning for spending so much, and putting myself through this hell for the benefit of what?  Sure I get more time, but it won’t be a vast amount.  And I intend to try to have some quality as well. I am going to continue with the treatment though, but really it’ll be on a round by round basis, based on how I am going with each treatment.  Mind you, been able to tolerate a lot of pain could prove to be an advantage, but I have had bouts recently where I have hardly been able to move.  And today I suffering tremors a lot in both my arms and legs.

Wilson struck big time in the early hours of the morning too.  I was up about 2:30am to make a Milo and have some Eno’s to settle the acid in my stomach.  Well Wilson decided that my iPhone needed to settle its acid as well and tipped some of it over the phone!!  All I’ll say is thank goodness for phone covers.  It did it’s job and kept the liquid out and is still working thank goodness – didn’t want to have top explain that one to the Boss.  And no it wasn’t a way to try to get an iPhone 5, before the comments are made

Manage to get a bit more sleep – broken but at least it is some sleep.  Get up and go downstairs with an appetite – not something I have done for several weeks.  Have one of my liquid meals for breakfast, and a small bowl of Honey Puffs.  Then login to work to check emails.  Then hit the gym – I have the workout machine in the garage again now so I can do real work not just free weights.  Spend 30 mins on the gym, then 20 on the spin bike and feel so much better, both physically and mentally.  Get ready for the day then and settle down to work.

Send the boys to get Maccas as a treat for lunch, and manage to eat something small –  a Cheeseburger and some fries.  Do some more work, and struggle to fight through the fatigue.  I so want to lay down.  Sue gets home about 5pm – where has the day gone!  She goes around to see Roh quickly, but she’s not home so no wines tonight.  Gets home and cooks tea.  I manage to eat a decent size meal without reaching or feeling ill.  The boys give me a round of applause and high fives.  That shows how much of a victory it is, that they actually notice how I am going.

Get on with some more work on one of the servers, but have no joy so back to the drawing board for that one.  I give up and get on with the blog.  Then go and watch some TV – Mrs Brown’s Boys.  Starting to tire out quite a bit now, so might have a nap for a bit until Craig (Sue’s brother), Kelly, and Charleigh arrive from Aussie about midnight.

So do an early M&D time and some sleep.  Hope all have had a great productive day and are happy.  Take care all.

Kia Kaha.

“Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe

6am and all is sore – sorry it’s meant to be all is well (and I guess this is as close to well that I can expect).  Feeling a bit sad today, but not really sure why.  What it’ll be like in the end. When will the end be?  As from what I’ve read because brain tumours are not like other tumours in the body, where there is noticeable impacts on certain organs, the brain is the control centre for everything, and apparently it is common for people with them to only suffer some seizures, then drop into a coma or semi comatose state before the end.  A bit scary really.  Anyhow, it is something we’ll be discussing with the Doctor on Monday as I need to know what to really look out for.  Get up then about 6:30 and head downstairs for my meds and then into the gym for a workout.  The meds are a bit slow at working today, but manage to do a 20min workout.  Feel better for doing it.  Have a liquid breakfast as they seem to help a bit on the nauseous days.  Though today’s one is taking a real effort to hold down.  But at least it is something to run the body for the day.  At this rate I’m going to fade away before I finish treatment   Get ready then to face the day.

Boys still in bed as usual and don’t rise until 9 this morning.  Sue heads off to work, and I get to work too.  Quite morning.  Lachlan heads off to Josh’s for a play, and ends up staying the night.  Jacob is a busy bever in the garden weeding, then mows the lawn.  Sue gets home and we have lunch.  I manage to eat something – yay real food!!  What an awesome day – sunny and warm – 22 degrees! Get on with more work, until the fatigue kicks in.  I decide to go and have a lay down for half an hour.  I set my alarm and then sleep through it (well actually just turned it off and went promptly back to sleep). Get woken 2 1/2 hours later still tired as.  Feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. Seems I missed the weather changing – cool and windy now – bloody Easterly.

Go back to work for a bit.  And help sort out a couple of issues.  Then Jacob and I go out and have some passes and play some backyard Rugby.  Then inside and I cook dinner – Teriyaki Stir Fry.  That is a real challenge when you are feeling sick.  Still manage it and force my self to eat some.  At this rate I’ll start putting on weight Have a Bourbon because I can, then start the blog, and watch Criminal Minds.  Going to have an earlish night as starting to fade again now – bugger it. Will do M&D time and head to bed to read for a bit in the hope of going to sleep, seen as I had such a lousy sleep last night.  Hope all have had a good day/arvo/evening.  Be good and be careful.  Sorry it is a short and sweet blog tonight, but my heart is just to into it today as it is sad and heavy , hope you understand.

Kia Kaha.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein

Restless sleep again.  Kept waking thinking about different things – the boys growing up, everyday is a battle to live, and some other things that take me to the dark places.  With the boys growing up, I kept thinking about how well they are developing into young men.  Especially Jacob, with the day he had yesterday – folding washing, cleaning bathrooms and toilets, doing the dusting and vacuuming, all without been asked, he just knuckled down and did it.  He has good life skills already that will serve him well when he gets older.  I have always wanted the boys to grow up with manners, self pride, self sufficent and with good ethics, and I probably drove them too hard when it came to learning these qualities. Hence what caused a lot of friction in the past.  But over the past few months I have learnt to step back and just let them be children and also see really how well they have these qualities instilled in them.  And I must say that I am proud of who they are becoming as individuals.  On Saturday when we were out for the morning walk Jacob, Lachlan and I had a great old chat about a lot of things, and this really reinforced who they are – one a deep thinking old soul that ponders actions first, and the other a deep thinker as well but will act/react then think about things.  You can guess who is who   I told them that the only really thing want for them is that they are the person that they want to be, and not what others expect them to be.  It took some explaining but they understand.  They have been coming to me more for just cuddles and chats – it is very heartwarming.  I have learnt the full value of these actions, and treasure them more.  I think that it is sad that it has taken my diagnosis to realise the special meaning behind random hugs – they have a value that can not be measured in dollars or cents.  The value of them is in the determination it give me to live and fight on.  One day they will hopefully read this and understand how much they really helped their old man through this.

I was also thinking a lot about how everyday is ground hog day when it comes to dealing with my cancer – same pains, same feelings, occasionally I’m lucky and have a good day.  But also how it bugs me everyday is a fight just to live a bit more.  I have faced some hard things in life, but this illness has to rate as the biggest challenge and task I have had to take on.  Did you know that 51 people a day get diagnosed with cancer and 22 per day die from it – this is just in New Zealand alone.  So chances are you will know someone that has cancer – if you think not then by just reading this blog about me, then you now know of at least one.  I am starting to get myself in the right mental place to be able to deal with my next round of Chemo next week.  I do a lot of reading about the tumours I have, even though there is very little published about them, and most of it is repetition, and about the drugs I am on, as knowledge is power, and I also see it as a way to be able to battle against these things by using the old analogy of knowing your enemy.  Here is a good source of info – http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/PhysicalSideEffects/ChemotherapyEffects/chemo-brain – it is a link to the bit about Chemo brain which I mentioned the orher day.  As for the dark places, sorry but I won’t be writing about them.

Drag myself up about 6:30 and head downstairs to do a weights session.  Take my meds first, and even though I’m hurting all over, I manage to do a 20 min session.  Feel great for doing it, but soon start hurting again once I cool down.  It is like if I warm up the joints, then I’m fine but when I stop they seize up again.  Have a liquid breakfast as I feel lousy in the tum.  Even though this should be my “good” week in terms of pain, nausea, etc. I think it isn’t going to pan out that way.  Last week was, so far this round, my good week so to speak.  Get ready then to face the day.  Working at home again, as there are 2 lazy bums in bed still.  A good teenage trait developing by the boys.  Nice to hear laughter coming from teir rooms – they are playing games on their cellphones against each other.

The lads finally drag themselves out of bed about 10 only because they’re hungry! Even then they wanted to know if I would bring them breakfast in bed – cheeky toads!!!  Steady day working.  The boys scooter and I walk into work – so my walk for the day is done – 7.2kms. Have another liquid meal for lunch – not to bad this one – tastes metallic to me but is so far the best one I’ve tried. Sue picks us up about 1:15pm and we head around to Re:Start mall for a look and a coffee.  Then head home.

Have a quiet arvo.  Login to work again and do some more, before calling it quits – fatigue has suddenly caught me – haven’t had that happen for about a week.  Have a liquid dinner – a different flavour this time, then do the blog.  Do the ironing, and then have a quiet evening then watching tv (well staring aimlessly at it).  Really hurting tonight!!  Got to time my drugs to make sure that I can get the maximum effect from them particularly before I go to bed.  The electric blanket on 3 works wonders so opt for that and I don’t risk dozing off and dropping my book or my tablet into the water.  Hope that all have had a wonderful day/arvo/evening, and are not to stressed or tired, espcially as it is only Tuesday.  Take care and keep cool till after school.

Kia Kaha.

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain

Wow – October already!  Bloody time is flying by – please slow down for a bit!  Another day, more pain I swear that every joint in my body is now aching!  Deep aching pain too, that doesn’t go away, even with the good pain killers. If I was a horse I’d be glue and paint brushes by now.  Get up and head for the meds.  Then get myself ready to face the day.  Working from home today as the boys are on holiday.

The lads eventually drag themselves out of bed about 10am – slack bums!  We head off to the chemist to get more pain killers as I realised this morning that I had run out.  Walk to the chemist and back – another 5kms clocked.  If you’re wondering why if I’m hurting so much do I do walking, etc. it is because I’m a sucker for punishment and also I find it helps if I keep moving.  It’s like the joints need to warm up first and they don’t ache as much then for a while.  I do have moments though where I have to stop because of the pain, but then push on again.  It seems cruel that my car driving is taken off me so I’m reduce to walking, and then that starts to crap out too – what really did I do wrong to be dealt this?

Woke several times again last night with the pain, and have done some research into it as I have been wondering if it was related to the steroids that I was on until last week.  Or was it something else.  It seems that it is actually a side effect of the Chemo drug – Temozolomide – that I am on.  The sad/bad news is that it could get worse with each treatment I have.  I guess I have something to look forward too in a weeks time when I start my next round of Chemo next Monday night.  And I will still have another 5 to do after that – by Feb I probably won’t be able to move!  Oh well, I should complain as this drug is fairly new and very expensive and it seems to be doing it’s job for now, so I can only really count my blessings that I can take it, side effects and all, I’m here still for you all.  Prior to this drug I would’ve been well on the road to having the full time buzz sounding.

The other thing I found out was about Chemo Brain – the effect that Chemo has on your mind in creating the foggy feeling I get sometimes.  So it may not be the tumours doing their things at all – but the drugs.  Apparently they can cause memory issues, mental issues, and a feeling of everything been cloudy.  Which is how I feel some days.  Also meant to say Wilson had a moment yesterday, well twice actually.  The first time he dropped a bottle which smashed, and the second time he dropped a plastic bottle.  Bloody random hand and arm!!  He will be suitably punished in due course!

Get home and get back to work.  Steady day – servers have an issue while I was out – (nothing to do with me), so I missed all the drama.  Boys have a great day not annoying me and entertaining themselves without arguing or fighting.  Jacob does the housework – he is a good lad, while Sue and Lachie go to visit Roh and the girls.  Jacob and I head down the Domain for a kick around for a bit, then come home and get dinner ready.  Sue and Lachie are already there and have tea started.  Roh, Andy and Janelle come over for a visit for a bit.

Do the blog, and think about having a bath to soothe the aches, as really hurting again now. Have M&D time and crawl into bed to read for a bit.  Have a good evening/arvo/day all.

Kia Kaha.

“The journey is the destination.” – Unknown

Usual early awakening 6:30 DST so good to see the body clock adjusted to daylight saving – bugger it. Take my morning cocktail of meds and go back to bed. Manage to get some more sleep before the boys wake and put on the football.  Lay in bed for a bit more reading the news online, then eventually get up and ready to face day.

Head downstairs for breakfast. Very nauseous feeling today so have a bowl of yoghurt. I’ve found that its the easiest food on my tum when I feel like this. Mind you that could change just like that. The god awful taste in my mouth is back though. Bloody Chemo.

Head out for a walk after breakfast and clock up another couple of kms. Stop along the way to do repairs to a couple of the joins in the irrigation. The vines are starting to shoot and looking like they’ll produce a good crop this year. Take time out to do some reading – thoroughly enjoying the book. Go out to find the boys and get taken on a ride on the quad bike by Jacob. He takes it carefully with his precious cargo on board Awesome day weather wise – 22 degrees and sunny.

Have a late lunch then go for another walk of a couple of kms to stretch the legs before we head home. Load the car up, then watch the Canterbury vs Southland rugby game. Very one sided game. Sorry Southland.

Been thinking about a couple of things I’ve read in my book. The first is the priorities we have in life, and also how we use our time.  What is our biggest priorities in life?  Our health, family, friends, career or assets?  One thing been terminal makes you do is look hard at yourself and the priorities that you have.  Seen as your health has already been compromised that suddenly becomes the biggest priority, because as that diminishes, it impacts on the other things in your life and therefore it forces the other priorities to be reassessed.  The way we use our time is also something that I have been thinking about.  You see, you start to put a new value on your time.  Is time better spent with yourself or at at work?  With family or friends? Do you make a bucket list or take a look at the life you’ve had and go – I’m happy with where I’m at and what I’ve got?  Do I pack it in and wait for god or do I go and cram as much living into everyday.  When I say living too, I don’t mean go out and cut loose, well I do to an extent, but also taking the time to sit back watch the world and others and just savour the moment by knowing all is going to be OK.  The world will go on with  or without you, and in a way I take some peace from that.  There is a good saying “Not one day on this earth is promised to us” – so from this we all need to make sure we make the most of the time we are given, as it can change so suddenly.

Hit the road for home about 5. Smooth run all the way, with no idiots on the road and get home about 9. Nice to be home. Not really able to do these long trips to well now as body hurts to much sitting in one place, and that’s after loading up on pain killers.  Relax with a Milo and do the blog. Then M&D time and off to sleep-land. Hope all have had a good Sunday, and a safe weekend. Have good day/arvo/evening. Till tomorrow night.

Kia Kaha.

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.” -Lily Tomlin

6am awaking. Body very sore all over. Head is in a similar way. What is it with this constant  aching.  It really is starting to be a pain in the arse. I think I had a good sleep – mind you enough drugs makes you sleep well. Go back to bed after topping up and doze off for a bit. Get woken by the boys chatting about 8am. They have the T20 cricket on and judging by the noise, it must be a good game (obviously not NZ playing).  Not in a happy place in my head. Others head downstairs for breakfast and I get ready to face the day. Don’t really feel like eating but have a piece of toast – yuck.  Bad taste day.

The boys and I head out for a walk in the vineyard. What an awesome day! No wind, no clouds and sunshine.  We trek up and down the rows for 40mins. The boys think I’m mad doing this, but I have a plan & that is to walk 3.5 km, and do so. Go in and have a cup of coffee and a sit down. This country air wears you out!

Load the boys new boat that Nevil built for them, into the 4 wheel drive and we hit the road to Olga and Johns’s vineyard as they have a pond that we can use. Do the official launching and check that the boat has no leaks – not that I would doubt it would. Jacob is first aboard and takes on the learning to row challenge. He eventually gets the hang of it, then comes in for Lachie to have a go. He too masters it quickly. The boys then have a go together.  Sue has a turn then I eventually do too. Have a laugh as I nearly go over the little water fall – doh!! Load up the boat for home a couple of hours later.

Lachlan and Jacob with their new boat before it’s launching

Which way is forward again?

Get dropped at the supermarket to pickup a few things then walk home. Yep, more exercise. Only a km this time. I would mention lunch if I could remember it. Unfortunately this is my latest trick – forgetting things. The short term memory is shot to pieces completely. Bugger and I had a fantastic memory too. Go out after lunch and mow the vineyard. Yay get to drive again, albeit a tractor. Good job done. Have a sit down in the sun with a cup of tea admiring my handy work.

Decide to go for another walk – this time to get a Lotto ticket and an ice cream.  Sue an dthe boys come along this time.  Another 2.5kms done.  Not bad for someone that’s aching all over.  Determined to keep going though.  Start on the blog when we get back until Jacob comes and asks to go and have kicks with.

Have a fun time outside with the boys kicking the footy ball and passing jibes at each other.  Some clever guy gets the rugby ball stuck at the top of the Macro hedge across the road – won’t mention my name, ah sorry his name   Have a great time anyway, until we get called in for dinner.  Have a small bourbon with dinner, just to increase the appetite

Sit down after dinner to finish the blog and watch the rugby on tonight.  Not a bad game really.  Have another bourbon or 2, then it is M&D time and sleep.  Absolutely shattered.  To the point I was falling asleep typing the blog. Hope all have indulged in a fun and relaxing Saturday and are ready for an equally good Sunday.  Take care.

Kia Kaha.

“Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most.” – Unknown

6am start today as heading down to gym. bloody sore and tired though with my head thumping badly.  Slow getting out of bed and moving. Head for my meds and wait about 20mins for them to kick in. This is the price I end up paying for the amount of exercise from yesterday. It doesn’t really seem fair to me – bloody cancer!!!  Eventually numb up enough that I can do some form of workout. Have a good 20mins with the weights. May as well make the hurt all over. Have a small brekkie and then get ready for work.

Starting to do a little more thinking about things and how I have to start re-prioritising what is really important  in life. I need to focus on how I can give the most to whats left of life especially physically as I am starting to have constant pain and are fully aware that this is only going to get worse. But stubborn me will not give in to the pain easily.  Just I know my stubborness is going to hurt me. I still have a huge amount of fight left in me yet – the battle is far from lost!

Head to the Office. Head is still hurting lots so take some more other pain killers. Get a coffee then get on with the day. Head is still hurting in waves, so need to take some more pain killers – will beat this pain. Finaly I go numb all over. Not a single ache or pain. This is good but I have a real fog come over me – maybe not so good really. It definitely slows down productivity. Work until about 2 then head off home.

Get home and do a wee bit more work until the boys get home.  Load the car up then with the bags, etc. Then hit the road for Renwick.  We are heading there for the first time since April.  Going to be interesting to see how I go sitting for 4 hours. Make sure I have access to all my meds in case I need them.  The head is still hurting and trying to get to a good pain level going again.  Decide to utilise the time in the car by doing the blog. Trip goes well with the boys not arguing to much really, and been threatened with been left on the side of the road.

Make it there without a stop apart from tea in Blenheim – Maccas so drive thru. Very sore still bugger it. Unload the car and get settled. Finish off the blog. Then M&D time and head to bed to try to sleep off the head pain.  The body is not to bad now thankfully. Trust all have had an enjoyable Friday and have a good weekend planned. Take care and stay safe.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” – Andy Warhol

6am and the alarm goes, thankful actually as it’s been a restless sleep with my mind going into dark places again, and inducing tears again on waking.  Also sore, so can’t find a comfortable sleeping spot.  I kept thinking about writing letters to the boys for them to read in later years. It’s something I’m going to do, so the boys get it from me about who I really am, as while they are of an age that they will remember me, there are things that they won’t really understand until they are older and wiser.  Just got to think about how to start it.  I guess it just really hammered home the reality of what’s happening to me and therefore was playing on my mind.  I guess this is one of my bucket list jobs (not that I have one) and have to confront it.  Sure there is a lot of people that can tell the boys about who I was to/with them, but I want them to know the real me from the horses mouth, so to speak.

No gym this morning as walking to and from work today, (as Sue is in court all day), so figure that is enough of a workout for me.  Get ready for work and head into the office.  Lachlan is about to head to school too so we walk/scooter together.  It was really nice actually, to have a half hour to ourselves just chatting about all-sorts of stuff.  Puts me in a good pl;ace for the day really.  Drop Lachlan at school then keep on the trail to the office.  Lovely morning for walking, just the right temp and not windy.  Get to the office and my happy colleagues.  Have a good day at work – the day seems to fly by.  Go down to the cafe at 1pm as John Key is here to officially open the new Press House.  Formalities are done, and I hit the road for home as need to get home by 3pm for the boys.  Feeling a bit sore on it, so pain killer up before leaving.

Make it home again, without breaking down this time – Yay!!!  Have managed to walk 15.5Km today – not a bad effort if I say so myself.  Login to work again, and try to keep going.  Unfortunately body pains are getting hold of me and making it hard to concentrate, and I am having quite a few tremors.  The price you pay for exercise.  Also the head has been hurting on and off again today.  Based on past timings between Chemo, this is about where I start to take a drop again with the ‘hangover’ as I call it from the Chemo.  I am dur to start the next round in 10 days time.  They now seem to be coming around very quickly, which is good but also a bit scary as each one is a notch closer to them ending.  And when they end – well the Doctors haven’t told me what happens then apart from treatment is finished.  Hhhmmm – understand why I get down/sad some days?  It is these unknown bits that we want some answers or guidance too.  It is like trying to get an idea of when I do start to deteriorate, what is to be possibly expected – seizures, general health down turn, more body pain, etc.  We know that they can’t provide clear answers, but a general well maybe this or that would help.  Have also had some more of the world sideways slipping happen to me, so are wondering if this is tumour related.  Also had someone say get well to me the other day too – I wish I answered, and got a horrified blank look back.  Just so we are clear on this, I will not be getting well from what I have, but it also begs the question – what do you actually say to a terminal person?  Just food for thought.  It doesn’t worry me really, as I have a smile and a laugh about it.

Off to a St. Thomas’s fundraiser for an Old Boys son whom has cancer.  The school is doing a Variety concert, and Jacob has been helping with the setup of it so wants to go too.  Rowdy stops by for a quick catch up – good to see you man. Have a simple dinner.  I have been following the advice from the Dietitian yesterday of eating little and often.  It seems to be working, though didn’t have breakfast today as felt lousy.  Had one of the terrible liquid meal drinks for lunch – hold the nose and drink quickly.

Variety show is fantastic.  A hell of a lot of fun and laughs.  Jacob makes an appearance in the show too.  And in tradition of St. Jocks, the leavers do the last act, with half dressing in dresses, and singing Taylor Swifts – Never, Ever.  Absolutely hilarious.  Have a moment thinking how in 5 years time that’ll be Jacob and his mates.  Home to M&D time and bed.  Hopefully a restful sleep and not to sore.  Trust all have had a wonderful fun Thursday.  Till tomorrow, take care.

Kia Kaha.

“When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.” – Unknown

Good sleep, but strange start to it.  The tears were back.  No reason why just felt a bit down and sad last night when I went to bed.  Woke up at 6am and was going to get up to go down to the gym, but was sore so decided to miss it today.  No point trying to break myself completely.  Lay there thinking about life and everything.  No change in the feelings from when I went to sleep.  Will have to think more about why I am feeling like this.  Get up and have no brekkie as feeling too nauseous.

Head off to work and to see my happy colleagues.  Have a good day and head off about 1pm as have an appointment at the Hospital with the Dietitian.  The appointment goes well and I get given some liquid meals to try for when I am having the bad nausea days.  Also discuss an eating plan, but in simple terms I am to eat little and often.  In terms of the food eating pyramid, I have to basically flip it over so I get the correct sort of diet and don’t fade away completely.  Yay – free run to eat what I want.  Bugger I don’t actually feel like eating anything!  Oh well, I will try the liquid meals and see if they taste alright, but with my taste buds as they are I don’t fancy the chances of choosing a new favourite dish

Been thinking about things, and the feeling sad at the moment bit is probably just the emotions of the way life is at the moment coming through.  See I have really been feeling good physically, apart from Monday’s scare with the pain onset. Starting to look better – lost the round face mostly, and the extra weight.  But you see while I have these good things happening, on the outside, there are still some bad things happening on the inside, emotionally and mentally.  Don’t panic or worry though, as I am fine, I am just putting it out there about how I am on the inside. It is not something I do easily or would have previously actually mentioned.  But to keep the blog on the lines of letting people know what the journey is like.  It is not easy and where I am at, at the moment is that I have to take and assess each day as it goes. It makes planning things harder.  It also makes the day difficult, as you are feeling great then the head or the body aches.  You then get tired of living by the clock and the meds – 7am these drugs, 8am this one, 11:30am this one, 7pm these ones, etc.  Then add the Chemo regime on top of this, and then the side effects.  And to make it worse I am weaning off the steroids again so heads going to start hurting more, and body will ache more, and I now think that the sadness feelings are also attributed to coming off these.  But it is just random – tears, not proper crying.  Just tears. Was a couple of times at work too, where they almost got away on me.  Not that it would matter, but just not willing to let it show – sorry guys.  Anyhow, just letting you know whats going on.  Actually I think I am entitled to have some down days, after all I think it could almost be expected really.

Get home then and do some more work.  Get the fire lit – bloody cold this arvo.  Have dinner and do the blog.  Pretty stock standard day/evening really.  Going to hit the sack early tonight to try to get rid of the pains and tremors that are having a good time with me today.  Hope all have had a great day.  M&D time – yes Milo is back on the menu, for now.  Then bed. Rest well and have a wonderful day.

Kia Kaha.

“Sometimes the best memories are sad because you know they will never happen again.” – Unknown

Fairly solid sleep, but then enough pain killers numbs everything!  Wake up a bit flat and a bit sore still from yesterday, but decide to head down to the gym.  I am going to keep up this routine now, if it kills me (whoops, bad taste, black humour)  Oh have a laugh!  No but seriously, I need and want to get back into shape as I am going to have a good summer.  I was talking with Sue today, and barring my hair, or lack of it, I have had a couple of people in the last day or 2 say that looking at me they would not guess that I have cancer.  This really has lifted me emotionally and mentally, as it means that my conscious image that I have of a cancer suffer is now suppressed quite a bit.  I don’t want to be seen as another person with cancer, I want to be seen as me – well like the old me.  I have nearly dropped all the steroid weight and my face isn’t as chipmunkish (round).  I’m feeling good about myself – well mostly.  So anyway – down to the gym, and weights and Spin bike again. 

Have a good workout, which refreshes me and gives a good start to the day.  Manage a small breakfast as feeling nausous.  Then get ready for work.  Sunny warm morning – it is going to be a good day I feel.  Get into work and have a busy but good day.  I feel I am getting more porductive again – remembering how to do stuff, which makes me feel better.  Head off about 1:30 as got to go via the Chemist and I’m starting to fade a bit.

Get home and login to work for a bit more. Temping to go out and sit in the sun but don’t want too.  Body has a few aches and pains still, from yesterday.  Very odd all that happened as been looking up what would cause a sudden pain level like I had to be released like that.  But whatever trick the body played on me it can stop it as it was cruel and just a shear debilitating pain.

Get dinner ready – spring lamb shanks (well I guess there won’t be a lot of Spring left in their legs now) in Rosemary and Balsamic Vinegar Jus with mashed spuds and green beans.  Now even I was impressed with how good this tasted!  Nausea or not, I was eating!  Sit down then to blog and update my tablet to Ice Cream Sandwich (Android).  Then going to hit the bed early as the book is good and want to have a good ready tonight before falling asleep.  So will sign off there folks.  Hope all have had a good day too.  Sorry no in depth thinking or the likes today.  I have a few things that I have been mulling over but just got to get them in the right way in my head, so to speak, before I unleash them on the world.  Maybe tomorrow, I think.

Kia Kaha.