3 Too Many

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way , ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” – Deepak Chopra

Slow getting to sleep last night as the brain livened up again until about 1:30.  Woke just after 6, but managed to doze until about 6:45.  Woke feeling worn but OK.  Emotionally drained though as yesterday had taken its toll on me. Fairly good solid sleep still.  I lay in bed having a think about the past day and how even though I’ve been so sore, I felt fairly good yesterday as I had something to focus on.  And the same as today, the focus been to get home.  Get up then and get ready for the day.  I even have a small container of yogurt for breakfast – as the nausea is basically non-existent.  Go out and walk up to Ford to see them about some business.  Then stop into see if Ian is at work, as going to surprise him, but he is on leave.  Bugger that didn’t really workout. 

Head back to the motel and repack my bag several times to try to fit everything in.  I eventually manage to get it so it is not splitting the seams on the bag.  Head out to the Tuatara Cafe for a coffee in the sunshine and have some time.  Sit there and get hit with a wave of emotion and have a tough time sucking it up.  Not a good look almost bursting into tears in a cafe.  Finish my coffee and head  back to get my bag then head off to the Airport.  The kind staff let me check my bag through even though it is just a carry on, and I hadn’t paid for a checked bag – I hadn’t paid for the flights either as they were a deal that AirNZ had.  Head up to the Koru lounge to have a coffee and a bite to eat.  Plane arrives and we are off.  Watch out the window as we fly over Otatara – more emotions come flooding back.  This time I don’t really care.  Good flight.  Cathy collects me at the Airport. Thanks Cathy.

Back home.  Unpack and are amazed at how much I had managed to cram into my backpack.  Still job done, and another thing to tick off my list of want to do’s.  Sue gets home and we head out for lunch in Addington at Mosaic cafe.  Have a very nice small lunch in the sun.  Head off then to collect Jacob and his mate James from school, then we get dropped at Barrington Mall to do a couple of tasks while Sue goes to do Road Crossing Patrol.  Sue and Lachie then come and collect us and we head for home.  Jacob and James need some magnets for their science fair project so I set about dismantling several old hard disk drives.  They have fantastic magnets in them, but they turn out to be to powerful so they don’t use them. James heads off home, and we have dinner.  Manage a small meal.  My body doesn’t know what’s hit it – 4 meals in a row! 

With all the emotions going on I never realised just how much the trip would affect me. It has also been physically draining, as that is just what the cancer does to you.  It is a shit to put it bluntly.  You are robbed of so much and when you think its finished for a bit it seems to rob you of more.  So consequently I am fighting fatigue now, and probably will be for the next few days.  Which will be just bloody perfect as I may be starting Chemo again on 26 Nov, as I have my next appointment with the Doc then.  So I’m now working on psyching myself into that now.  I am really expecting this final round to hit me big time, based on the past few treatments.  Well at least it is the last one.  Not sure if I should be cheering or crying.  Hopefully on the plus side some of my med that I take might be able to be eased up on, so any less I have to take is good on all counts.  Well I will be making up for it soon enough.

Quiet evening, do the blog, watch TV and relax.  Feeling very tired and emotionally fragile tonight.  I think yesterday has caught up really with me.  It was fantastic to see everyone yesterday and thank you for making the effort to see me.  The next trip down will be the whole family – not sure when.  But be certain that we will be visiting our Otatara folk and any that we have missed.  Really hope that all have had a good day, and it hasn’t been bad in anyway.

Kia Kaha.

“Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open.” – Graham Alexander Bell

Rough sleep, took a while to drift off but when I did, I manage to have a deep solid sleep.  Woke feeling very tired but thankfully the pain has dropped a bit so not to bad there.  Get ready to face the day. Everything is going very slow today so its going to be a long day.  Pack my bag and reminis about the days whenI would be travelling, feels strange to be doing it again.  I’m in Invers today very briefly, to say bye to old work colleauges and also to see my old footy team mates.  Those that I haven’t seen I will do when we make a family trip down soon.  I managed to get some of the free flights down that AirNZ put on.  Please understand that I have less than 24 hrs there and have to split my time as best as I can.  The Otatara folk – we would prefer to see you all as a family and when we have much more time.  I am doing the work and footy as I never really said good bye with all my travelling when I left never really let me take the time too.

Good flight, Michelle meets me at the airport – thanks for that Michelle.  Nice but sad time at the Times, as I really hope to get to see them again but you never know. I get spoilt by Sue G -thanks Sue. Thanks to all the times staff for the kind words and warm welcome.

Head off to check-in then of to meet Dylan. Carla and the kids then take us to the Avenal to meet up with some of the footy guys. Have a lovely evening chatting to them over a couple of drinks. Thanks to guys for turning up, was good to see you all. Get dropped back at the motel.Thanks Carla for driving. Take care all was great to see everyone. Very tired and have a site throat from talking so much. Go for a walk to the supermarket to get some vitamin c.

Had a very hard time emotioinally todayseeing all the old work colleauges and saying bye to them and the footy guys.  Back at the motel again and chill out watching TV and do the blog.  Check in with Sue that I’m doing OK and haven’t fallen apart to much.  M&D time and a Milo.  Then hit the sack.  Reality is I will spend several hours awake as the brain is doing overtime. Early start in the morning as flying out so need to get some rest.  Hope you’ve all had an enjoyable day and not to busy.  And Otatara peps – please understand, I will be back to see you again. Hope all have had a brilliant day.Take care all.

Kia Kaha.

“I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.” – Unknown

“Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.” – Unknown

Yet another crappy sleep – this is really geting to me.  If its not pain then it is tremours, and if not tremours then the brain is in hyper mode, or sometimes all 3.  Wake then to bloody body pain again!  Shuffle downstairs to get meds and make a cuppa.  Back to bed to see if pain killers are going to work.  45 mins later not much improvement so inform work of state of myself i.e. not going in and head back to bed.  Rest until about 12pm and still bloody hurting with a side dish of nausea.  So crappy day.  Get up and have steaming hot shower then get ready to face the day.

I’ve been doing a lot more reading about my tumours and life expectancy.  Not happy readinga, not that I need reminding of the timeframe but more about how many people have beaten the odds, not many but it gives me a target to aim for.  I will fight till the end. It is not the cancer or the fight that scares me but more how it will end. Going through and making sure I’m doing as much as possible to ease the burden when the end comes. Setting rules in place and final details of how I want things to be. Hopefully it will come down to Sue needing to make a couple of phone calls and everything will be set in motion.

Login to work for a bit and troll through the emails.  Silly thing is for sleeping more this morning I feel even more tired now.  Hate that!  Sue gets home and tries to get me to eat something as not feeling good at all.  And not going to end up in hospital.  Give in and have half a liquid meal – yuck!  Still it is something and the equivilant of a complete meal (according to the Dietician at the hospital).  Boys get home and have a quite arvo.  Dinner time then – manage to force in a small amount of food.  Quiet evening  – feeling very sad and emotionally worn out.  Also I can’t really do to much with the bloody pain I’m in.  Do blog, then stare at the TV.  M&D time and bed.  Oh well another day wasted feeling poorly.Wish I could credit them up against my final days.  Hope that all have had a far better day than me, and survived Monday – its OK it’s 6 days now until the next one   Sorry another short and sweet one but can’t muster up any good thoughts about anything.

Kia Kaha.

“Challenge who you can be, don’t let fate control your future. Fate can come to rule your life if you don’t decide for yourselves exactly what you want. It fills in the bits like a mischievous mistress.” ― Steven Redhead

Sore, tired, moody – there shortest blog ever!  Teasing you – but basically it is that simple.  Had bugger all sleep, kept waking because of pain. Kept taking as much of the pain meds as I could, and it still was only just keeping on top of things. Dad calls and have a catch up on things.  Slow start to the day then as very sore still.  Get ready for the day. 

Not really a lot to go about today as I’m to bloody sore to be getting deep and meaningless on some topic.  So going to save you all from my mind today.

Joh calls and we have a chat for a bit about all sorts.  Then Mum turns up for a visit.  Haven’t seen her for quite a while so it is nice to have a coffee and a chat about things.  Boys pleased to see her too.  Mum then heads off and the boys and I have lunch.  Then play a board game for a bit of non computerised fun.  Sue arrives back home and joins in.  Go out and mow the lawn then.  Come inside to have a sit down for a bit as feeling ‘funny’ in the head and are going to fall down if I don’t sit.

Dinner time then and only make it half way through before falling victim to nausea – bloody illness!  Do dishes then help Jacob with study, as he has an exam tomorrow.  Then blog it.  Hop into a hot bath to read and try to ease the pains, M&D time then a hot bed, electric blanket on 3.  Short and sweet today, as can’t have you up to late reading my dribble.  Get some sleep as tomorrow is the start of another week.  The days are passing into weeks too quickly for my liking. Have a great week, and enjoy Monday.

Kia Kaha.

I am Strong, because I have been Weak.
I am Fearless, because I have been Afraid.
I am Wise, because I have been Foolish.

Full nights sleep, but didn’t settle down until about 2:30am as had bad jolts and twitches last night.  They are funny random movements, and I am just waiting for one to lead to a full blown seizure. The deep sleep is probably due to been so tired and my meds.  Woke to Jacob screaming at the cat – thanks Jacob nothing like waking quietly.  In trouble this morning as hurting that much I can’t move.  And I’m not just saying that. I actually physically can’t move as everything hurts to much.  Sue goes and gets my meds box and dishes out the required helpers.  Wait another 45mins as the pain killers are taking so long to work.  Eventually the pain eases enough that I’m able to get up.  Dad then calls and we have a fat chat about things.  Then I shuffle along my way and get on with the day.  A scorching shower helps heaps, and a top up of pain killers to numb myself up. 

I have been doing a lot of reading lately about my type of tumours and especially how others with similar – I have still not found anyone else in the world with the exact same type, but then again that’s not surprising given the rarity of them – have coped and how they have got through everything.  Interesting enough the majority of them have had surgery and are living on strong after 2-3 years.  I won’t say how long those without surgery, just chemo and radiation like me have gone on for.  But the majority of them have sat back and just let the doctors dictate what they can do, and how much they can do.  I have found a couple of people who have approached it very similar to how I am, in that questions doctors, research treatment and what drugs they are feeding you, and be up front about it.  The comments from some people about this approach are astounding as in  they think that it is wrong to question the doctors, and basically how dear you go on trying to live normally when you are so sick.  Also how others are responding to the Chemo treatment is amazing in that most are suffering violent side effects, so I really think that I am lucky that I either have a cast iron constitution or are able to suck up a lot of pain, etc.  I know that I have been knocked around by the drugs but compared to what some people have said – I have a mear cold compared to them.  Also they talk about the psychological barrier of finishing chemo and been ‘cut loose’ from the medical support.  Yes they are still there but the weapon against the tumours are gone.  The battle switches theatres so to speak, as it goes from a chemical/biological one to a psychological one.  But several people also say not to let it become a moral battle.  So after the treatment ends, I will probably be needing a bit more support so to speak in terms of taking grasp of each day and making the most of it, without buckling under the pressure of knowing these mofo’s can light up again at anytime and it will be game on from there.  The pain is also going to only get worse and more intense to.  Though today I think I proved I can still function with pain – spent most of the day at about 6-7 in pain levels – no one knew until I told them about it, and got growled at for it.

Head off to do the grocery shopping, and have an outburst at a weirdo lady that instead of going around me sorting stuff in the trolley pushed into it and goes excuse me.  Jacob is driving so moves to the side for her. She doesn’t say thank you so gave her a barrel full of her heritage.  For some reason she looked shocked – stupid cow!!  Yes – as I have been reminded several times today, I am not in a nice mood and treating everyone mean.  Trouble is I didn’t really realise it, but thinking back maybe I was a little wound up today and spoiling for trouble.  Doesn’t mean she wasn’t a weirdo cow still!  Get home and have a quiet arvo, do housework, burn some Ants with a magnifying glass (a bit of boyhood fun there).  Then have a lay down as I’m exhausted – those ants run fast   Watch a thunder storm roll in then.  It passes quickly thankfully.

Roh and Kate arrive and Andy a bit later.  They are here for dinner. Have a good night socialising and chatting.  But hurting like hell.  Take the maximum amount of pain killers that I can and are pratically numb!  Do the blog then M&D time and off to bed as bloody shattered now, and pain is still there.  I really hope that I wake with less pain and in a better frame of mind tomorrow else it will be a terrible day for all concerned, and not sure I could really cope with it.  Really hope everyone has had a fantastic day and it has been more enjoyable than you could ever imagine.  Take care, smile and be good.  Till the morrow – my thoughts are with you all.

Kia Kaha.

“Friends are made by many acts and lost by only one.” – Proverb

Spent about 2 hours last night reading about my cancer – hoping in a way that something may have been developed hat will eradicate them or that.  Unfortunately no such luck.  Still the same prognosis and life expectancy. Another night down, and spent a bit of it asleep, finally.  Wake at just after 7, bugger, I was hoping to sleep in a bit as it is a holiday today.  Oh well, not to be.  Lachie makes me a cup of tea, and brings my meds box up to me as hurting a bit and he is trying to save me suffering a bit – how considerate.  Feeling on a mental high if you like, then as quick as a snap of the fingers, I’m in a deep low.  Fantastic I’m in for one of these days   Sue takes the dog for a walk, and I decide to go into the garage for a bit.  Spend nearly an hour in there, but unfortunately instead of it doing it’s usual upper, it has not done that.  If anything I feel a lot worse than before.  AT least I’m not hurting too badly with pain.  Also the twitching I have had the past couple of days has seemed to stop.  See I managed to suppress that enough that no one noticed it.  Get ready then to face the day.  Really start wondering what sort of mental state I’m in as I feel so sad and low but can’t shed a tear in the shower where I normally get it out of the system.  OMG – I have gone so low I can’t even cry about how low I am, that’s sad in itself.

Start to feel better again, but nauseous.  Force some lunch down, then we head off to meet the Reid family at the Jet Ski lake in the Sawyers Arms Reserve.  Mark does well taking all the boys on rides onn the Jet Ski.  Not sure whose having more fun Mark or the boys   Spend the afternoon there and have a good catch up with Kylie and Mark.  Thank you so much for today – it was fun.  Head home then and pick up Fish & Chips on the way for tea. Lachie and Sue go with Roh and Kate to the movies to see Breaking Dawn, while Jacob stays home with me.  I do the blog and Jacob plays on the PS3. 

Thought I would share a quote that I think is quite relative to what I am going through:-

ATTITUDE

by: Charles Swindoll

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitudes.

Hope this gives something to ponder about how you live your life.  I have had to look at ways of changing my attitude.  Some days I get it wrong, others I seem to get it precisely.  I could have looked at my cancer with the wrong attitude and it would have consumed me.  Fortunately I choose to look at it as the unknown adventure and strange journey that it is.  I think Pam’s comment to me from yesterdays blog (thanks Pam), about been able to look at me and not know I have cancer, well today at the lake I was talking to a couple of guys about cars and jet skis, as you do.  We had the FPV Falcon out there and one of them said about driving, and I said I t is fun and one that I miss as I loved driving that car, and they asked the obvious why I couldn’t drive.  I said that I have cancer and can’t, and they just looked at me with that sad faced look (you start to become a good face reader btw), then one of them just asked what sort so told them 3 brain tumours.  Theirmouths did that open speechless look – not sure why.  Then they said that without knowing that they would never had guessed that I had cancer.  So that help bouy me up again.  So thanks for those that say I’m looking well.  It’s good to know that all the work of fighting it hasn’t changed me to much.  But if you could see inside my mind or spend a day in my body then you wouldn’t probably say it.  It takes a lot of sucking up of pain and things, and making sure the game face is looking right – as don’t want people fussing over me.  Enough waffle for now.

Quiet night in really, which suits me fine. Play some PS3 against Jacob, and watch some TV, M&D time, then head to bed as shattered as usual.  Hope you folk that worked didn’t have to do it too hard.  Really hope you have a great, relaxing weekend too.  Take care, have fun.

Kia Kaha.

“You can’t have a positive life with a negative mind.” – The Secret

Love the quote as it is very true.  Bugger all sleep again.  Finally drifted off about 3:30.  Just chewing over things in my head and doing a lot of thinking, praying and dreaming (well not sleep dreaming as such).  Feel tired, just I’m too restless and brain is doing overtime.  There is so much I want to put down but I’m not going too.  I know, a little against the usual blog, but these thoughts stay with me.  Jacob wakes me up about 7:15 – bloody missed the alarm. So needless to say rushing is the order of the day.  Down meds – a bit sore today so I’m shuffling around the house.  Get ready for the day then out the door.

Another cool stroll into work.  Have a close call with a Range Rover running a red light, and trip on the curb, but don’t quite hit the ground.  Bastard!!  Get into work and get a coffee and muffin.  don’t even manage half the muffin when I break into a cold sweat, and do my best to stop turning my desk technicolour.  Yes – that quick I can now go from fine and functioning to ill as and thinking of heading to hospital.  My head also starts to hurt a bit.  Manage to hang in there and get the pain back down a bit.  Maddy makes me one of her fabulous Iced Chocs for lunch – very nice and sits well on the tum.  Head off then about 1:15 via the chemist to collect scripts – just cause I don’r have enough drugs at home Start to go downhill again on the way home.

Why is it that you can feel so happy and so down and flat at the same time.  Doesn’t make sense to me.  All I can put it down too is the effects that I am still suffering from my mate, Chemo.  And the fact that there is so much happening from now until the end of the year.  17 Days until I do the last round of Chemo.  No more after that – that is eating at me both because I am expecting it to be the worst one based on the way they are kicking me in the guts harder each time.  Also it is the last treatment.  That’s it. All done! No more! Thanks for agreeing to poison yourself so that you have some more time dancing on the edge of your grave – its been fun watching you do ‘so well’ through it.  Another Xmas is looming large and fast – will it be the last?  Like wise another New Year.  What could I make as a resolution?  Maybe I will dig my toes in and hide from the Reaper next year.  Or I could promise to do my best not to grow any more tumours  – that sounds more realistic to me actually. On the Happy side I have heard from some long lost contacts which is nice as it cheers me up, and I’m pleased as punch to hear from them.  Thank you. 

Still feeling lousy and fatigued, so try to fight it for as long as possible, until I give in and have a lay down.  Feel better for the rest.  Have dinner, then relax with the boys – holiday in Cantebury on Friday so no school or work – yay.  Do the blog, and watch some TV.  Fight the sleep deamon – stupidly I should just go to bed and surrender to it as I might then get a good nights sleep.  M&D time – did you all like the little pic sbout M&D time yesterday?  Hope it made you smile.  Have a great day/arvo/evening wherever you are.  Take care of yourself too.

Kia Kaha.

“As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.” – Unknown

Restless night but don’t recall actually waking properly, so will tick the sleep all night column for last night. Wake though with a pounding head.  Very sore indeed – about a 6-8 depending on when you ask me.  Downstairs for the best pain killers that I’m allowed – no headache is going to stop me going into see the guys.  Give it about 20 mins and I head into the garage gym as I feel the need after a week away from it, to start the day differently.  Just a bit of a light workout for this light weight (now 80.7kgs – the lightest I have been since probably 2007-8).  Manage 40 mins in there anyway.  Feel a lot better for it as I woke feeling very down and sad.  Get ready then to face the day. Say bye to the boys as they are getting their own ways to school today.  Decide that going to start to take a deep breath and not letting the boys get to me.  And do the best I can to just relax and not raise my voice either.  Funny thing is that on TV tonight Nigel Latter covered the exact thing about dealing with teens, etc.  And I have made it through the complete day without one raised voice, argument, or issue – pleased with that really.

Sue drops me near work and have a pleasant but chilly walk into work.  Have a lovely time telling my colleagues about the trip away.  Then manage to remember some PABX (phone system) details to help Jono – victory for me.  Then get involved in helping to sort a P1 (priority 1 – must be fixed now!) call.  Great to be involved and able to help out.  Makes me feel a lot better, as I feel like I have actually contributed something useful.  Get a call from Dad – just checking in.  Thanks Dad – it helped talking to you.  Don’t finish work until about 3:30 and walk halfway home.  Then get collected by Sue and the boys.  Head home and have a lay down for a bit as feling very drawn now.

Seems I may have stirred a bit of concern and emotions with last nights blog.  Which is great, but just so everyone knows – I am OK and not about to do something stupid.  Those that have contacted me about it, thanks for doing so.  Nice to know you are concerned and are prepared to check on me.  Heart warming really.  Yes I have been down and sad and feeling emotional, but also I am working hard as I have said on keeping up the game face.  It is just the way it is, and I really doubt you ever get to see anything different from me unless I have already shown it to you.  It is how and who I am.  For those who don’t know how to ask me how I am or you want to talk about anything going on with me – then jsut let me know.  Happy to talk lots, as most of you know    By the same token I must find out how you folk are going, because this cancer has now become all consuming I miss the small details.  I’ve started counting the cost in social terms of this cancer.  People that I have lost or become distant from me, but there are some that have come to the fore which I am surprised at. I makes me sad that I am going to pay such a big price, and I am loosing so much it feels like everywhere.  Anyway – regardless – I’m OK and will get over myself and fight on another day. 

Head out for a walk around the block with the dog then home to dinner.  Alex stops by to say Hi as he is in town.  Great to see you Alex.  Then sit down to watch some TV and blog it.  M&D time soon and bed.  For some reason I am feeling quite tired now ;-p Really hope all have shared in a busy but productive day too.  On the downhill now to the weekend, so don’t stress.  Take care.  A bit of a light laugh to end the blog – enjoy!

Kia Kaha.

“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” – Lao Tzu

Sleepless night again. Well about 2 hours sleep actually, so did get some. But to use a line from that Ghost Chips ad – I’ve being internalizing a really complicated situation – how do you die? How would you like the final act to be? To deep a question? The second question I think most people would answer as peacefully in my sleep. The first question is one I seem to be asking myself more often now. Well I’m doing it the best way I can, with a fight. But what is missing? I mean what is the bit that I don’t get? I am trying to live as normal as I still can but that is becoming a struggle more these days.but really is it just I am doing a good cover up job on how I really are going? Keep popping the pills and then wait 6 hours and have more, then another 6 hours, but don’t forget the 4 hourly ones.I reckon I have taken more pills in the last 8 months than I have in my entire bloody life. 25 per day off Chemo, 30 per day on chemo, that makes at an estimated 7744 pills as I was on a load early on that I fought to get taken off. That is a lot of drugs in anyone’s language, everyone taken so I can be here for you. But back to the question, how do you die? I’m looking for the deeper side to the meaning of this. An I meant to be laid up sickly in bed or going out of my mind – which I think I am starting to already. Our do I give up and just let it happen? I mean sorry for the questions but having not done this before I am a little perplexed. Sure I am doing well which goes to prove that drink top shelf Bourbon does you good Already bits of how life will drift into death are becoming evident – weight loss, only been able to drink liquid meals, the increasing pain in my head and body and tiring easily. When it comes to the final moments I don’t want fuss and machines – for what, to get me another day maybe? I want my last breath to be out of my mouth and not from some oxygen mask. I will decide when it will be over not some machine. I would love to have donated my organs to others so they may have the chance to keep living, but unfortunately after having cancer they won’t take them, plus they are to well preserved already. The bit that worries me the most is that I’m allergic to hi pain killers like morphine so I’m going to be hurting as bit. That is not really for me to worry about as they have assured me they will find the right drugs to help me. I think that when the time comes that I will be ready for it. I mean,I have been fighting this for 242 odd days now and I could do with a breather. As the line in the book – Tuesdays with Morrie – ” Learn how to die, and you learn how to live.”

So how is this for a starter into the day.  Is it any wonder that I’m a little messed up?  Lack of sleep and thinking through deep shit does you’re head in.  It really does, and that isn’t poking fun at the tumours either.  Glad that the Auckland trip is over as it was something of sorts on what could as close as possible be called a bucket list.   Thanks to all that made the trip possible.  Anyhow, I wake in Auckland for the unknownth time and are hurting a bit.  Get up and get ready for the day,  Meds downed early as was awake anyway.  And got to pack and get ready to head home to Christchurch.  Packing sorted quickly, and we then head off to the beach for a walk with Hannah and the dog.  Home then via a cafe to get a coffee, and then home for lunch.  I stay hoem to watch Leo whose having a sleep, while the others head off to see Angus do his wearable arts presentation.  They get home, load the car and we hit the road to the airport.  Drive through a hell of a thunder storm on the motorway.  Hail, thunder, lightening – the works!  The hail was so thick on the ground yo couldn’t see the road markings, and that loud you had to yell so the other person could hear you.  Drive out of it just before the airport.  Drop off the rental car, and get dropped at the airport.  Good flight home and Roh meets us- thanks Roh. 

Pizza for tea as to tired to cook.  Boys in bed and lights out as school tomorrow.  I blog it – well finish the blogs anyway.  Hurting so much now, it is painful to type :-{ Hopefully you have somethings to ponder from today’s out burst.  I know I have.  Heading for pain killers and hot shower then electric blanket and what I hope will be sleep!  Hope all have had a great day.  Take care out there.

Kia Kaha.

” A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” -Bob Dylan

Firstly, just so this is clear – we, as a family, have just completed a week long trip to Auckland, that was to catch up with family only, and to allow us 4 to recoup and try to bring a stable normality back for at least a week.  We did not catch up with any friends while there and did not advertise the fact that we were away for security reasons.  I would appreciate if you did understand this and respect our decisions.  It gave me some quality time with the boys which is memory building for them, and time as a family to try to find ourselves again as individuals within the family.  I have learnt a huge amount from it and got some fantastic memories to treasure, but also discovered another side of the boys that I had been missing, seen as I live in my little set routines, and don’t always see far from the shore of my island to notice what others are doing, so to speak.  Sure there have been some very stressful times, mainly as I was doing my Chemo treatment while there, but managed not to hurt anyone, though there was an over whelming desire too at times!  Thanks to Hannah, Bryce and kids, and Helen and Jane, John, Abigail, Seb and Gary, for putting up with the Southern invaders and providing a bed and food for us.  It gave the boys a good chance to meet and get to know their cousins too.  We were based in  Pukekohe for the entire week as well, so thank you to Sue for negotiating the Auckland motorways with grumpy passengers on board.

Wed 7 Nov – early start as fly out at 8am.  Arrive and collect the rental car then head in to town.  Stop by the Fairfax Ofice and leave bags there as heading to Sky Tower.  Take the boys to Sky Tower and spend an hour anda bit roaming around it. Then go for a bit of a walk through central Akl.  Jacob wants to stop by the court and see what happens there so we go in and check out a court room in action.  Only a brief visit as want to keep moving.  Jump in car and head back to FFX Office and catch up with John – my Team Leader and go out to have lunch with him.  Head off to Pukekohe then to Hannah and Bryce’s before the traffic gets to built up.  Have a lovely evening in catching up.

Thrs 8 Nov – up early and juggle a few ideas about what to do depending on the weather.  Decide it’s a perfect day for Rainbow’s End.  Needless to say had a great day there.  I got totally soaked on the bumper boats (stupid bloody seal around the motor wasn’t in properly so every time I banged into someone I had waves of water flooding in).  Spent the arvo squelching around trying to dry out- much to the amusement of other visitors.  Oh well – doesn’t matter that I look like I wet myself big time!  Went on the Roller-Coaster – bad idea!!  Messed with an already messed up brain even more, so spent the rest of the arvo drying out, and trying to stay on level ground, as I kept feeling like I was on a rocking boat – yes, permission to say it – dumb ass!!!  Home then to dinner and dry clothes.

Fri 9 Nov – stop by Zarbos (most excellent deli in Auckland) and pickup a selection of foods and head to the North Shore – Milford Beach, to surprise Jane – thanks John.  Stay on the Shore and do the tourist thing around Takapuna then go to Jane and John’s for a BBQ dinner.  Head home to Pukekohe in timefor me to do my chemo – though cut it very fine.

Sat 10 Nov – quiet day at Hannah and Bryce’s.  Then Helen arrives to look after the 5 kids and the 4 of us head off to the Coldplay Concert at Mt Smart.  Good concert – excellent lighting effects too.  But decide that unless it is U2, it will probably be my last live concert as it messed with my head and senses far to much.  Home then and try to settle my agitated state and fuzzy brain.

Sun 11 Nov – Jane, John, Abigail, Seb, Sarah, Hannah, Bryce, Angus, Meg, Leo and us 4 meet at Auckland Zoo.  Have a roam around the animals then a picnic lunch and then more wandering around. Spend the whole day there.  A nice day out for all.  Home then to settle tired kids. 

Mon 12 Nov – Plan a big surprise for the boys to end the holiday.  They think we are going into town to see the royals (yeah right!!)  Meet Jane and John  at the Museum and have a look around for a bit.  Then head to Viaduct to have some lunch.  Boys still think we are going to see royals.  In fact ironically their motorcade went flying past us like maniacs.  Head from the Viaduct to the bottom of the harbour bridge.  Jane, Sue, Jacob and Lachlan are doing an Auckalnd Harbour Bridge climb.  Boys are happy wee campers – the girls are looking a bit nervous.  They head off for their 1 1/2 hour trek over the grey wonder.  John and I head over to Takapuna to grab a coffee.  Get back just as they are coming down off the walk.  Say our good byes, then head back to Pukekohe.  Have dinner and a relaxing evening with Hannah and Bryce.

Tues 13 Nov – Up early, head off to Waiuku beach to take the dog for walk.  And grab a coffee and muffin and sit by a lake (don’t ask me which one).  Don’t make it through the coffee or muffin as nausea is back. Home to pack up.  I stay home to mind Leo and type up the Akl trip blog, while the others go to see Angus present his wearable arts outfit at school. Say our farewells to Hannah and kids, then hit the road to the airport.  Leave Akl at 5:45 and back in ChCh at 6:55pm. My goodness 2 Jetstar flights both on time leaving and arrive early.  Still don’t like them though.  Thanks Roh for collecting us.  And Roh and Deb for the bread and milk.  And Deb and Glen for looking after Molly, and Wendy and Greg for looking after Summa.

A long very busy week over with.  As I said a few discoveries about my boys just from watching them more and listening to them.  I have learnt a lot about myself too on this trip.  But that can wait for another day.  I will post some pics soon.  Thank you to those who helped make this trip possible for us.  Your support is appreciated and welcomed.