3 Too Many

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.” – Unknown

Oh how true a saying on a day like today.  Absolutely lousy sleep – new pain today – stomach – yipee!  The joy of feeling like I’m dying more just to keep living is wearing thin.  I know it is just the drugs and this is the price that I have to pay to buy the bonus time for my life – but it is a tough road to walk or crawl down.  The devil drives a tough bargain, I can tell you that.  Slow start to things today, and I can’t face work let alone actually really getting out of bed.  In a shitty stroppy mood too so probably best left to my own devices and alone.  Spend the morning flaked out in bed or on the couch – what a waste of time!  Like I have lots of it spare to be laying on my ass feeling sorry for myself.  Oh well – its done and gone now so can’t get it back.

Finally muster the energy up to have a shower and try to feel lively.  Then login to work to catch up with the days happenings.  Sue fleets in for a quick-lunch then off to get the boys then to haircuts.  More me time – yay.  I really mean that, as I like my own company a lot.  Gives you time to reflect, plan and look at yourself.  If you like in a way to audit yourself.  Pity I have 3 mofo’s muddying the waters and making it a little harder to assess myself. 

Thought of something that I should clarify about the MRI results as there seems to be a misunderstanding by some folk about the results and what they actually mean.  To put it simply – in the picture of the tumours on the front page of the blog or on my Facebook page, you will see the large white/grey area.  This in the latest MRI has now darkened to a deep grey meaning that the tumours have stopped growing and have been starved.  The core tumour – the deep dark colour in the grey fuzz – is still there and while it is not getting feed as such, it is still there and will never go away.  The results have shown what they have wanted to achieve through treatment, in that they have hit the brakes on the growth of 3 too many.  The next 8 treatments are now intended to continue the brakes been applied by keeping the starvation of the tumours going.  This does not mean though that another 1 or more could appear in the meantime, as given the nature of these tumours I have, they are aggressive, fast growing and their cause/starting point is totally unknown.  By the same token the current tumours could re-ignite themselves.  Also once I finish the treatment then I can’t just start another round, as there is the physical impact on me, the cost (these drugs are hell of expensive) and the fact that I am terminal – there is an end to this and it will be by these tumours.  Yes, we can have hope, faith and belief that a miracle could happen which would take them away – but the pragmatic and realist in me says that will not happen.  I accept my fate and know that one day it will all end – the pain, the effects, the blog – heaven forbid the blog stop!!  Also while the hand brake is on them, it doesn’t mean that the effects are not going to continue to impact on me.  I am still noting little changes everyday, and understand what are drug caused and what is not.  I think I am now more in tune with my body than I have ever been.  So there we have it – hopefully it makes sense and clarifies some of the understanding around Friday’s result.  So celebrate or curse as you see fit – I have just voiced my side of it.

Sue and the new, swish looking lads return home.  Dinner and time to start blogging while I remember what I was doing today and what I wanted to Ramble about – been such a long day.  Fridge and Nuddy stop by and have a great yarn and catch up – thanks guys.  And BTW – it still doesn’t look like a sheep!!  Sit down then and finish the blog off while consuming the Chemo dessert.  Just heard to that Val Adams did bet the man who won the gold and has been give his gold medal now – awesome news!  Right time to do M&D and then try to get some sleep.  Take care, take it easy and have a good day/arvo/evening.

 Kia Kaha.