3 Too Many

Day 10 of 23 treatment free.

“When I’m right, no one remembers, when I’m wrong, no one forgets” – Anonymous

Another night down another day beginning – bloody frosty though. Broken sleep again – guess there is some normality to this and the pain all been part of having cancer.  Yet another thing they don’t tell you about, but then again guess it makes sense when you have foreign masses growing inside you..  Especially in your head – there is a limited space inside there   Might be a day for a bit of a waffle I feel as theres lots of stuff in there today. 

I have been considering the idea of a living funeral.  This is for several reasons – it would be one last chance to have a party and celebrate my life (which a funeral is really meant to be –  a celebration of life) with you all, it means that if planned properly, then folk can plan a trip here rather than rushing if I pop my clogs suddenly. I can get to enjoy the moment too and hear the good and bad about me.  And why should I miss out?  I am just putting it out there that is something I am considering.I know some won’t be comfortable with the idea or concept so won’t turn up but that’s fine I understand and appreciate their choice.  It also won’t be for a while so there is plenty of time to have a think if it is something you would be prepared to help take part in too.  When I have done more planning then I might put out some info and get a feel for number of people, etc so can plan location, etc.

Also another thing, I have had some folk worried about me and the pain and dark state that I am in.  Don’t stress please.  I am working my self through it.  The pain is now just an accepted part of the norm for having Brain Tumours.  I take pain killers, and some times it goes away, other times it takes a bit more.  The high strength ones I have now help hugely and if they don’t work then there is always hospital – again.  As for the dark place I am in – I’m trying to dig my way out and work out my resolve.  I will do it – by myself.  I know there is support out there – and thank you for it, but this is something I need to do myself – mental toughness test I guess.  And hell I have 3 time bombs in my head that are slowly pressing on parts of my brain that control – Visual Memory – this is already getting impacted as recollection of things, etc is getting harder and it is very frustrating as I had a very good memory. The other area that they are pressing on is involved in motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgement, impulse control, and social behavior.  I’m also now wanting to just get on with the next round of Chemo – 2 weeks today – so starting to again clock watch-making it harder.  Ironic in a way that I’m wanting the treatment that is knocking the crap out of me to come round – well each time it is getting closer to been over so I may then have some time after that been close to ‘myself’ as I’ll get to again. 

Sue drops the lads at school then me near work.  Quiet walk into work again.  Slow day too as not feeling well and motivation is low.  Drag through it, listening to music – some again nearly reducing me to tears – damn it!! To much of a soft mop at the moment.  Leave about 1 to go and get a new Washing Machine as the old one sprung a leak and become a victim of the move.  It was 17 years old so guess it was allowed to crap out.  Then home to install it and test drive.  Have a rest for a bit as worn out – again! And we have folk coming to visit tonight.  Wendy, Greg, Jordan & Jaime visit then Jenny drops in too, then Nat.  Good to see you all.  Spend most of the evening trying to remember/look up the passwords for the server accounts in Southland as they are getting powered down tomorrow and will need to log them in again when it’s back on.  A bit taxing on the memory really!  But I got there – I think.

Time to sign off.  A bit more today to read on and think about maybe.  If there is one thing about this journey, (and I know I’ve said it several times), is that you have to learn it all as you go.  There is no one way or thing that fits every person or case apart from been mentally and emotionally hard – possibly more so when terminal.  M&D time then bed.  Hope all have/had a fantastic day/arvo/evening.  Have a great weekend too.  Take care and stay safe.

Kia Kaha.