3 Too Many

Well here it is – T Day!!!  The day that the real battle begins.  This is the point  in time that I have been waiting for since the initial black Friday news on 30 March, where the radiation and chemical treatment is the ammunition along with my determination, grit and inner mental strength to fight these 3 unwanted guests head on. 

So with the battle about to start – I would like to slightly modify the words of a song that I love which I love and have listened too several times over the past weeks (funny how music becomes different during changes in your life – the words take on new meanings – and songs fit in the different places of your life – maybe just cause I love music but I digress).

Pink Floyd – Dogs of War

Steps have been taken, a silent uproar
Has unleashed the dogs of war
You can’t stop what has begun
Signed, sealed, they deliver oblivion
We all have a dark side, to say the least
And dealing in death is the nature of the beast
One head, it’s a battleground
Three tumors, and I will smash them down
One world … three tumors
The dogs of war won’t negotiate
The dogs of war don’t capitulate,
They will take and I will give,
And the tumors must die so I can live!

I know it sounds a little strange but my Dogs of War are the radiation and chemo and of course the attitude – the only death out of this all I am contemplating is that of the tumors (whilst we know that they will hopefully only be stopped in their tracks growth wise they will not go away – but any stoppage in growth results in extra time is of course wonderful for all).  I also keep in mind the words from a friend David whom I’ve met along this journey (and is fighting his own battle) – This Cancer will not define me, I will define this Cancer.

So the day started at 5:30am – up early as awake anyway but keen as to get started with this and to get into with the first pill of the treatment plan.  I have gone from taking 12 pills per day at 3 flexible times per day to now taking 19/20 per day at 5/6 times per day at set times – I also have a happy frying dose of radiation chucked in for good measure.  Welcome to Cancer my Radi/Chemo treatment plan!  First pill down, then reminder on phone (no surprises I have an app planning / tracking all these drugs) alert for next goes drug to take goes off, next drug on board.  Next one up is the Chemo drug – this is the one that I am curious about as it will be the one that shapes me for the next 8.5 months really. Take it  – no effects – hmm – is it working – I know just being silly not expecting a sudden wave of vomiting or something.  Just taking time to notice if there are any changes.  Next alert is an hour later then – yay – it’s for breakfast – yes that has to be scheduled to be eaten at a specific time too – then an after brekky cocktail of 5 more pills.  Have a laugh as I have my little containers for the day lined up on the bench in a timeline (yep OCD thing again – jelly bean moment).  The good thing is that most of the drugs are in the morning so that means I’m free from clock watching so much.

Have a moment after brekky , when it hits me that I have crossed the point now where the mental changes/battle that I have been dealing with for 8 weeks and for the most part if people were to look at me would notice little difference, is now about to become a visual change/battle. What I’m getting at is that I will be more fatigued, I will lose all my hair, I will lose weight – my illness is now about to be laid bare to the world.  And for some reason I am finding this a harder line to step over than ironically been able to talk to people about having a terminal illness or brain tumors.  I wonder if it is because people I don’t know will now look at me with that pitied look of owe they have cancer – poor person – and I won’t / don’t take pity, cause it is not of help to me or my family and it’s definitely not needed.  I must admit that sometimes I did look at people obviously going through treatment and didn’t know the best reaction to give them except treat them nicely as you would anyone else.  But now I look at them as cage fighters – the side effects are the broken noses, and elbow cuts incurred in their fight for their life so must be admired and praised not pitied and sorried.

Dad stops over to see how all is going and to get his laptop setup so he can track the blog too – this is a real moment in time for as he is moving into the tech world beyond TradeMe – scary!  Give Joh a call seen as I missed her call last night – have a good catch up and laugh – just what the doc ordered thanks Joh.  Time to head to the hospital for the first of 3 appointments there today.

First 2 appointments are with the Radiation team back to back with the second been the frying session. Start getting restless when the half hour first appointment is already half an hour late and I’m next on the table. Then Scott from the Radiation team turns up and goes over the treatment plan, etc, and explains that as he is with me that they can’t zap me so settles me down somewhat.  Sorry if I sound like a wound up spring but this is a major stage in this battle and I need it right.  In I go to the treatment room, the tem are friendly and have some good sounds playing.  They take about 5-10 mins to clip me into the mask and line me up for the first time.  Then its point all beams at the bastards and nukes away!  In an ironic twist U2 – It’s a Beautiful day plays (told you music has new meanings – & I love that song) just as the first zapping starts (it is done in several smaller waves as they target each tumor from different directions).  Doze off a bit as it is done – never let a nap pass you by and it is quite quiet and peaceful.  All over – can’t really feel anything except a prickly like sensation on head – oh well guess it’ll become the norm.

Next appointment then is with the speech therapist to get some tips on eating easily – as besides Wilson been an effect of the tumors I have trouble with my left leg and also have limited sensation in my lips & mouth which makes eating difficult and sometimes I choke.  So get some very helpful tips on handling meals and changing diet to suit better.  Home then via the supermarket to stock up on the new food diet – yum – droid tum in  hunting mode – this is going to be costly!

Headache coming on and fading out huge time and need to rest so go to have a 30 min nap – get up 90 mins later!! Really – anyhow it is enough to get me thru the evening – I hope.  Dinner is a yummy chicken and corn soup from our lovely neighbours – Deb, Glen Kat and James Balloch – it is very yummy and hits the spot perfectly – thank you so much!

So folk – bar the headache and tiredness day one of the first 42 is done and I’m now totally engaged in the battle for the rest of my life. I will close off the blog now, as fading again & you know the drill folks – M&D time soon.  Take care all.

Kia Kaha.