3 Too Many

Another restless night brain wise – things going through my head but not keeping me awake thankfully – just processing stuff in the background thankfully. woke about 5:45 as now seems to be my new norm feeling sad – actually not sad – more sorry for myself   Decide to head to the gym to let it out and think.  Pit stop and get met with the rising tide again – ahh really – why on a cold night an at 6am- mongrel pump jamming!!! Share complements with it when I open the lid about not missing it when I’m gone or in its case I can almost guarantee – it will be when it is gone!  Fortunately a couple of angry words and flicks of the trip switch and it sees better of its state and obliges to start it self – yay. 

45 mins in gym – listening to how much hurt is going on and wondering why new pains in strange places are occurring.  So out of energy and breath today.  The breath thing is due to the tumors and their effect on the left side of my body – my left lung doesn’t inflate as much sometimes and causes me to lose breath very quickly bloody unwanted mates don’t play fair some days.  Still did the sensible thing I feel and stopped early.  Feel good still so very happy.  Head not in a good place though.

When I say that head isn’t in a good place – I am meaning that I was mulling over most of the night about how life has changed so much in just 8 weeks today – since I felt/noticed something change in me! I look at where I was at that point in my life – and now to where I/we/us are all at with what’s happening.  I say that as a global thing as if you are reading this then you know me so I know that in someway it will be impacting on you – hopefully in a positive way in that if you know anyone else whoever has to face a battle like this there is just a little bit of these rambles that you can give to them that could help.   Yes life has changed massively – and I knew a day/night would arrive like this.  I am not saying – it hasn’t happened before – it is more that it has now really hit me as I am standing on the rough edge of a black-hole of treatment with unknown effects (we will find that out in due course) that will be putting me to hell for the next 8.5 months total with the aim to extend my life – which I am more than ready to fight tooth and nail and everything else for.  But 8 weeks ago I was fit and ready to face the world another footy season – feeling great with everything – could plan a future.  Now I am facing an unknown that has an end result that we will get too but in a distance.  Don’t get me wrong on this I am not feeling angry, or that about what I have  – as I have said before I have accepted it and can’t say why me cause it is more a case of why not – I’m just trying to get out what the head space is like.   So with out the specifics of what it’s like  – it is easier to say it is hard to not plan or think of the future and see what you will be missing.

Off to work this morning in the new building in town again.  Meet Bernard by the Art Gallery and do the rumble though the cordon – admire how deep a hole they have dug under what was Brannigans building.  Another hole in the heart of the city – plenty more yet to do unfortunately.  Meet the contractors on site that we need too – then setup in the cafeteria with our laptops.  If things are to fall, into line some days then this is one of them, as working in quiet different surroundings is what I need today with how I’m feeling.  Our caffeine requirements kicks in so we soon venture out in our grid of the Red Zone – which luckily covers the square.  Round to the Bacon buttie truck! Only coffee on order is instant – workers coffee – I’ll forgive the lack of Batista’s wanting to work in a demolition zone this once – but the bonus for instant coffee is a fresh hot bacon buttie!! – yum – and made by the most cheerful Englishman I’ve met – just like been back in London and the guy that had th same sort of van across from Ford where I worked.  Get a new pic of the spire – well the stump now – gone almost.

The Spire and Cathedral front 2 May

Back to Logistics – then off to lunch  – I know the hard life of IT – eat and cruise forbidden zones of the city  – I have been doing some work in amongst this and Bernard and I having fat chats about work related things too – well what I can remember comes into it as well.  Pleased to see all the rest of the PortaCare crew – they’re all looking happy and smiling – which is what I need today.

Off to Cafe Raeward – yep got to do the free plug for them – they do really look after us well – 7 for lunch no reservation – and they ask customers to move to fit us in – brilliant!  NIce to have a catch up with Ann whose been traveling with work training staff.

Back to Logistics then – and a team photo (I hate photos but have had to accept that I for some funny reason maybe in demand a bit more than normal).  I am getting picked up at 1:30 as not having a good day energy wise – breath running out more, drained and I need to rest).

Home to sleep – get an hour and a bit kip in and wake feeling much better than I was but lung still not brilliant. Keep getting out of breath as before – bloody frustrating! Leg aching still too – bloody body  – sort it out! You can’t crap out now – we haven’t started the fight properly yet. 

Off to meet Kirsty at the Halswell Quarry to get some family pics done.  Man it is bloody cold.  Do lots of different shots. The boys then run off to do something – and it all just briefly hits me from what I said earlier – watching them disappear without a worry in the world as I stand & watch thinking how free & unknown their world is while this is a moment I will be treasuring because of the finality of my own world. And while they are very much part of what is happening, I doubt they will realise what it meant to me seeing them like that.  Lachie comes back and gives me a big hug and asks If I’m OK – so maybe they do realise. OK – enough soppy stuff – I’m dry!!!

Back home for dinner and rest – make an early start on the blog.  Have a conference call with the Dunedin Neuro  specialist I see, who confirms the treatment plan is good and I’m under the best possible care in Christchurch Oncology.  So it helps set my mind at ease.

Time out to catch up on a few things that need to be sorted then M&D time and bed at a reasonable hour – like before 11pm tonight is planned as I am so frigging tired!!!

Kia Kaha