3 Too Many

“This is a new day, one that I have never lived before. I stay in the now and enjoy each and every moment.” – Unknown

Eventually got to sleep about 1:30 as brain processing to much stuff.  And this when I just wanted to rest as I feel like I’ve had a whack on the back of my head/neck with a piece of 4×2.   I’m just feeling swamped emotionally and need time alone to get myself into a position and place to be able to talk about and describe how I really am feeling.  I think that it is also spurned from hearing of Emily’s and Mike’s passing yesterday.  It has shown me the fragility of life once again and made me realise that I have been allowed the time to say goodbye and need to make the most of the extra time I have been given through the chemo and radiation treatment.  The treatments I get are only for one purpose – to give an exctension to life, while trying to balance it out with quality.  Though today feels like a massive battle as head is foggy and hurting and simply put – I’m just not in a good place or feeling good.  More on this soon.  Get up, dose up and get ready for work.  My bloody head – ggrr – I really hate it on days like today.

Head off to work via Lachie’s school.  I can’t remember Jacob leaving for school today or saying bye to him, but that is what life is starting to get like for me – the memory is fading off that fast at times.  Have trouble even remembering what day it is.  This all makes me sad   I had such a great memory and would recite all sorts of random crap, now just a forgetful blob.  Have slow meander into the office and that sort of sums up how time is going today – ssslloowwwlllyyy.  Try to keep on top of my meds, and thank goodness for the iPhone app – as I could not tell you with certainity today what drugs I’ve taken.  A couple of checks of where the app says I’m at and all good.  Have lunch but continue to fade energy and pain wise.  Starting to get unsteady on my feet too, so instead of walking up the road to meet Sue I jsut stand outside the building.  She collects me and we head for home.  I need to ut my feet up and rest desperately.  Boys get home and are in a rowdy and in Jacobs case argumentive mood.  Hide away in the office while to get some peace.  Sue and the boys head off too see Nat and the boys while I stay and rest.  No improvement still.  It is starting to look like I’m going to have to go get some help from the hospital – bugger it!!

I’m not in a good place mentally at the moment and with my head hurting it doesn’t help either.  I have been trying to think of a good way to describe what it is like been trapped in this body with this decaying brain.  Perhaps that’s not the best way to describe it but it is how i feels to me.  I am in a situation that I hope none of you reading this will ever have to face.  And for me to expect that people could or would really truely understand what it is like would be foolish, as by the same token I have stopped over tyhe past few days and started trying to really see what it is like from different peoples’ perspective on the other side looking in at me.  I am finding it harder to look at myself as an outsider than to accept my fate from the inside. Dieing is easy, and it is hard.  Incredibly hard.  I could sit back and go enough, stop treatment, I’ve had it now, why continue to fight a battle that was lost before I knew I had started it?  But there is that bit inside you that says I’m here for the good time not the long time so I’m going to make sure the good times last as long as I can.  Every party has to end as does every life.  But for people looking at me and not knowing what it is like and just seeing the daily changes and dealing with the mental and emotional aftermath of a bad day, or even sometimes a good day, it is hard cause while I have an ending to this illness, all of you have a beginning from that point on – without me.  I’m not been arogant or big headed here but if you are a regular reader of this blog then that will change or stop, and you will find something else to fill its place.  No more time wasted reading random rambles, rants and the odd cursed word.  Some of you have probably alkready changed your habits since I started it, seen as I’ve stuck around longer than we first thought.  I wish I could give you a timeframe but fortunately for me I don’t know.  And there is some merit and phsycology to not giving a life expectancy.  You see if you’re a determined person like I can be sometimes, and they give you for exampl 6 months to live, you go hell – I better pull finger and check off that my life has had a meaning, then in the post they send you an appointment letter for 9 months time.  You will go firstly – bloody lunies haven’t realised I won’t be here for that, but subconciously you will be saying to yourself, I’m bloody well going to that appointment just to prove them wrong.  And you do.  Never under estiamte the power of the human spirit to beat odds, and the determination of a stubborn man to prove you wrong.  Hope this all makes sense in a round about way.  The only goal I’ve got is to make sure that I’m down in history as the longest surviving person with these types of tumours.  I don’t have to worry about not beating the shortest amount of time as that passed about 2 months ago.  To tackle something like this takes a lot of resolve from within yourself.  You have to dig very deep and take a hard look within your mind and soul to know that you can take on this battle and be prepered to accept all the casulties that will come along with it.   I know I’v said before to take the time to put yourself into my shos, but in reality, I doubt you would even start to get an idea of what it’s like.

The family get home later on and have dinner, I have a liquid dinner and then have trouble keeping it down :-(.  Load up on more meds and try to put fingers to keyboard and make sense foryou of my waffle in the blog.  Very quiet night doing little except wanting to feel better.  Jeeze I’m a sad sack aren’t I.  BooHoo poor me, I have a headache and feel like crap.  Really need to take some of my own advice and suck it up princess as there is not a lot I can do about it, so I will take more meds, and head to bed with a sleeping tablet to try to help and hopefully wake up feeling better than today.  Sorry for boring you all with this crap but it is just the way it is somedays.  Take care.

Kia Kaha.