3 Too Many

“All of life is a coming home.” – Hunter ‘Patch’ Adams

Did anyone notice that I had put Sunday 22 October on last nights blog?  To late to check now as I have fixed it.  Finally got to sleep about 3:15am.  Back and stomach pain eased after about 2 hours.  But spent a lot of the waking time deep in thought.  It decided that I may as well utilise the time constructively.  Anyway woke just after 7am, had meds then headed back to bed.  Sue brought me a cup of tea.  Then sat reading until about 10am.  Couldn’t go back to sleep – as wide awake.  It’s like I have now gone the full circle as I was having a bad sleep pattern 7 months ago when all this started.  But for the lack of sleep I feel good.  Mood today – mellow(ish). Pain – head about a 3-4, body 5.  Waking up most mornings is like waking with either a hangover (some mild some bad) or going back to when I was young – I was once – where you had a bit of a set to after a few drinks with some one and were sore all over with a hangover (OK some might not be able to relate to that comparison, but get the idea that you are very sore all over with a thumping head and a nauseous feeling).  Have a talk about my thinking from last night with Sue and how my mood has been as well and the hell I’ve inflicted on the family over this time.  Eventually get up.  No appetite this morning so just have another coffee. 

Nutty, Fridge, Alex, Jasmine and Mitchell turn up to pick up Tyler who stayed last night.  Have a coffee and a yarn.  Get readyfor the day then.  Head off to the shops to pick up some essentials – stick Whiz (for making my liquid breakfasts), some asian food items, and the medicinal Jim Beam Black   Home then have lunch and light the fire as it is bloody cold and raining.  Watch Patch Adams – great movie, and just chill out for a few hours.  Then do a quick housework blitz.  Get started on the blog early tonight seen as it’s a school night and I don’t want you folks up to late waiting for the ramble.  Not feeling overly hungry again so don’t have dinner – just a liquid meal – new whiz stick is great!  I’m now down to 83kgs and still loosing it.  Got to watch the weight now that I don’t get to low.  Sit down and watch TV – crap, crap and more crap – and feel tired.  Maybe that’s what I need to do – watch TV then go to bed while I’m tired and bored.

My thoughts in the night – it was about how well I am apparently doing with the treatment.  As I have 1) never had brain tumours before, 2) done chemo therapy before 3) know someone else that has or is doing the same cancer treatment as me I can’t put myself into a mind set that I am doing well.  There are days that are hard – really hard – but unless you’ve experienced it or similar treatment or experience, then it is not something that you can describe what it is like.  It is not comparable with anything I’ve ever had in my life.  You can’t plan days really as there could be a change in your body with in an hour that will mean that your day is brilliant then or crappy, as the saying goes “We all have shit happen in our lives, but it is just how bigger smile we have that hides it”. 

Also something else that I was thinking about is death – yes funny that I should think about it (not to often or in a morbid way), but death.  Lets be honest – we are all going to experience it.  Just some sooner than others.  Some people fera it, the mere though of it or talking about it makes them uncomfortable, but I have always accepted it as a part of life.  Yes it is sad, very sad, when someone dies,  but always think  of that person as they were to you.  Memories carry the emotions of our life.  People come and go too but it doesn’t mean they are gone forever.  I can say categorically now that my funeral will nt be a morbid affair (or I’ll come back to haunt you!).  It is to be a celebration of my life (or as Sue says lives depending what emotional island I am on ;-)).  I am hear.  I have impacted on peoples lives.  I pissed people off (sometimes to often).  I have loved.  I have seen the miracle and  beauty of life starting and the sadness of it ending.  But most of all I have lived a life, my life, according to how and who I am.  So there you have it –  a bit of the insight from what goes through my overfull brain in the night. 

M&D time then and another vain attempt at trying to get some sleep – what a bloody joke.  Still waiting to hear about my next chemo treatment date as heard from the Doc on Saturday who said that the dates are still the same, even though I got a notice saying they had changed. Just whe the public health system was going so well, their first slip up.  Trust it has being a good day for all, and if you’ve been working or playing that has been a good one.  Take care, I want you back to read more tomorrow – that’s presuming that anyone actually does read this stuff.

Kia Kaha.