Thursday 18 October Ramble
October 18, 2012 — Headless“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
About 2 hours sleep and feeling very emotionally beaten today. I have spent the night awake, and working through so many things in my head that I am emotionally exhausted. That makes about 4 hours odd sleep in 2 days now – its getting beyond a joke! Last night though was not due to the bloody arm twitching and jerking again – well it still did but not as bad. I was just outright awake! Went downstairs about 2:30 to make a Milo and took half a sleeping tablet out of desperation. Was still wide awake at 3 so did some paper work and headed back to bed about 4:45. Yay managed nearly 2 hours sleep – and of course woke feeling groggy. Drag (and I really mean drag) myself out of bed – would have been easy to have it flagged as a medical needs day, but I need to keep going with routine so as not to let – ha-ha – my body clock get all screwed up and out of whack. Take my meds as hurting still, but no nausea – yippee another day at the moment yuck feeling free. Even have a small brekkie again – I know bad habit I am forming with all this eating 
Get into work and have a brilliant busy day with my colleagues. Thanks to them they made what I could have let become a miserable self mulling sad day, into a fun time. It helped greatly save me from myself, so thanks guys. It also was busy so the day flew past quickly. Sue collects me about 2pm and we stop by the Chemist to collect another script. I’m going to rattle soon! Get home to find a letter from my Chemo Doc that says they have pushed my treatment out by another 9 days. Not happy so waiting to hear back from them as to why, etc. I know people would go big deal, its only an appointment, but they have the treatment plan set to a schedule so that you get the maximum effect from it, and for it to change by 15 days all up (which is half the treatment cycle) is not good, especially without it even been discussed with you. So I now wait for her to get back to me. Login to do some more work for a bit. Feeling tired but not going to give in. Hang the washing out for the third time!!! Bloody weather – make up your mind. One minute peeing down, next sunny and warm again. It’s nearly dry so I will play one more round with you weather gods and I will win. Great more black clouds rolling in and not just over me :-{
What the hell is with this non-sleeping business. I mean I am tired, I go to bed, start drifting off then, wham brain is in gear and just not letting me go to sleep. What is it that I have to learn or understand from staying awake? While I say I am emotionally beaten, it is because of a lot of things that I have been thinking about in the waking small hours causes me emotional turmoil, in that it is reality, and in the future. We can’t direct our fate but we can control our destiny. I have done my best to not let myself be dragged down to the dark places this time and try to stay positive with it all. Still it does stop the tears from flowing, mainly in the shower for some reason. But you just feel at times that everything has just dropped from you – mentally, emotionally, etc. You then pick yourself up again and fight on some more. The letter delaying treatment possibly also hit hard as I have to work to get myself in a focused state to take on the treatment and if I have a set date to work on then I know how I am tracking and if I am read for it. So many people have said that I am doing so well. But really how am I meant to be? I feel confused about that comment, as I am doing what I can to keep normal, stay fit , and stay fighting and well, be well. What you do see is the real pain that is some days eating me, and while I may say it, it is not something that can be described. And also the fog that comes over you mentally, and emotionally. The wanting to tell the world and everything in it to be quiet as you can’t handle noise. The stress that you deal with trying to make sure you don’t show anything but the you that the world knows. As Sue would say, I need just some time on one of my life islands (apparently I live my life with everything separated onto literal islands so that there is no cross over between them, that way I have control) to be whatever me I want to be.
Have a small dinner and do the blog. sort out Jacob’s cellphone then head to bed to read with a Milo – that is sure to put me to sleep. Hope you’ve all had a decent sleep and had a great day. Till tomorrow, take care and keep cool till after school.
Kia Kaha.