3 Too Many

“I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to tell you how I really feel” – Unknown

 Well started the night off with sleep – hence Sue finishing typing the blog out.  Really struggling to understand what is tumour/siezure related now and what is just tirednesss, as the 2 cross very closely.  The only difference I can tell is that if I have fallen asleep then I can remember some of what has happened around me.  If it is siezure, then I have no recollection at all – a complete blackout really.  Such as Christmas Day and a couple f other days over tghe past week, I have “lost blocks” of life and time.  I try to recover what has happened but this is really to no avail.  I am also getting more forgetful, and struggling with word pronouncation and sentence construction some days (I know what I want to say but I can’t say it).  So after several minor night time panice attacks and a terrible bout of acid tum (lovely side effect of the steroids too), I have made it to 4am with sleep and given up getting anymore so have started doing the blog in case I have the usual rash moment and delete it all again as seems to be the case on a nightly routine now.  Head back to bed about 5am and get a few more zzz’s before having to wake for the day.

When waking at this hour I guess your brain still gets away on you like old time, even though you have the new magic spray to readjust your reality back to, well reality.  I mean that the deep thinking is still there but this new spray sort of realigns what you say and makes you think, well is it really true, or really how I am feeling as I have said, that I feel mentally different since getting given the spray.  Yep – 2013 is going to be a big year – I only really hope and I pray that it is big for the right reasons not the wrong one.  I have a lot to still do in life and making it thru another year is definitely one of them, just I have the odds a bit against me.  The other thing with the new spray, is how much masking is it doing over what is the real side of things.  Bit I still know and notice everyday a little more of me is crumbling /wearing away, and while I can fight to regain and re-establish control of say limbs or speech, it tires you out no end and I know there will be a point where I have to just conceed to what is going to happen to me, let it happen.  What will change next, no one knows and even the doctors can only throw in their best guesses.

Busy morning getting ready to head to the Family Fun Day at the Motukarara Races today, with the Connells and Knudsen families, and any one else that wants to turn up.  Usually a good day out and loads of fun for all.  And it is meant to get to 29 degrees today so will be another scorcher for all.  Load up the car and everyone then hit the road.  Find a perfect spot close to track, tote and everything.  Have a great fun day and a few laughs.  The horses and TAB held about even for the day so no heartbreaking losses thank goodness. Though I should check my tickets better as I had a $60 trifacta ticket, thank Tony for reminding me that I had the ticket.

Head home for a quick and easy dinner of pancakes and bacon and improtantly some chillout time.  Just cruise along, finish the blog, and then contemplate M&D time and bed.  Another day done and dusted.  Hope all haved indulged in the fun and froveltiy of a good day too and had some laughs along the way.  Take care, have fun and relax.

Kia Kaha.