3 Too Many

“My life is my message.” – Ghandi

 Life is going through many different daily changes/challenges lately.  I think would be an open statement about me anyway.  I have looked back over tghe previous blogs and just how bloody random they are and how sulky, moody, and everything else as well.  Well guess what!  My bloody blog, my messed up life = my bloody way!  Don’t like it lump it   The past month but particularly the past 1 – 1/2 weeks has been hell.  I thought that I had toughed out the hard at the beginning of the journey.  If anyone could have honestly said to me back in March harden up Princess this is easy I probably would’ve hit them.  For those out there facing mortaliy – firstly get to grips with it – shake it really hard, then kick the hell out of it.  Go on do it – cause the bastard will be back for more.  Our mortality is what makes us and is what we will be measured against in the end.  So becareful how well you make your morality.

I have been reduced to sleeplessness, talking (and f’me making cups of tea) with Dead people.  I am every minute of the day fighting with the tumours effect, and fighting with in myself (mental and emotional) trying to lay a bed of even living foir which others can join me along the way.  Now this all sounds odd in itself, but I’ll try to give a breakdown of an average day so far.  Wake about 4am hot drinks need top be made – well in the head they do anyway, as I am entertain guests.  But usually I need to get a drink anyway as dry mouth is just another little side effect they overlook to tell you.  Back to bed, usually in a foul temper as you’ve been awaken from possibly thye best sleep of the night.  Doze on and off then till about 6 wheh you’re up to start taking meds and make a cup of tea or coffee for real this time.  Pain is rackign through the body by now too, but as it is normal there is no point in mentioning it. This pain is caused by the tumors.  I am no longer on nor will doing anymore Chemotheraphy.  I finished that last week whehn I had the seizure on Tuesday.  I happened to have had an MRI scan that day and while we are awiting still, the tumors have shown signs of change in size /shape which is not what they wanted to see.  As such it was decided that I will not be completing the treatment as planned as there is no benefit ot doing it.  This was and is still a massive kick in the guts that I am and are still trying to put behind me.  It took me so much effort to get myself in the right frame of mind to take on the last round and then one simple siezure ad it changes it all, oh and to throw in there a btw, the tumors are up to no good again means that reality well gets – very real!!!

So off the Chemo, on to pallative pain care – yep next step stuff.  Don’t stress, it means that they have a better watch and control on me to ensure that I don;t suffer to much.  Also it’ll mean that I have better access to better health and homecare.  My bablance is giving me hell too.  I get weak from the core then just topple over – funny to watch really.  I also have slurring again when tired, and drop out like a light been switched.  But there is 2 states to this – 1 when I’m still ablt ot talk & process and 2. when I go out and can’t recall without a little prompting.  They are minor form of siezures and while not damaging they make it not nice when trying to talk to or deal with people.  Life is not easy fullstop.  But I don’t want symathy I want and need understanding.  So once again and finally I will applogise for the last time if I have or will piss you off through some stupid behaviour of mine. But so you know that it is not a piss take what is happening, my head is shreaded!! I have slices – not grazes, out of my head from passing through conciousnous while shaving.  It is really f’ed up if you think of it.  A simple act of having a shave is now a dangerous activity.

I am working from home today to as need the head space too be able to get myself to the next level of my life.  Sue and I have too decided that the C word is to much of a soul destroying dominiant force and word in this house and our world that we will not be shutting it out, just putting it back in the small box that belongs.  We accept it is going to take me from you.  It is a living, fast growing force, and it will do as it pleases but it needs less attention than it gets given as it is going to destroy what time is left.

So on with the day.  Walk off to Barrington to get my scripts that I need to keep going and then onwards to Lachie’s school as they break-up at 12:30, and this is the last time for Lachie at this school, as he starts at College next year.  Manage the 7km trip in 29 degrees – my goodness it was bloody hot!!!  It is just the sort of day for frying the brain and clearing the air in the head.   Thanks to the staff at Scared Heart Addington for keeping an eye on Lachie over the past few months.  Esp, Frank – you are a good mate man – thank you and enjoy your holiday.  Merry Chrsitmas to you and your family too.

As a surprise Lachie gets to choose lunch – no guesses McDonalds.  Sue meets us there and we have a full on lunch (thanks Steroids).  Get dropped home and Sue goes to get Jacob from Brads and then home.  I struggle to keep on with the day, but do just.  We head off to do the shopping as SUe is reluctant to want to leave me alone as I am starting to get very wobbly on my feet.  Manage to get through the shoppingthen head off to Lachie’s indoor football.  Catch up with Bee whom is friends of our’s and I used to flat with in London 20 years ago – shit!!!  Good game and they win 7-2. 

Head home and have a great impromtu evening entertaining.  Deb and Glen stop by just as I’m about to dose off – sorry guys   Then Roh and the girls turn up, then Jo, Tony and Amiee turn up.  Fire up the BBQ and  have a social evening catching up and enjoying past times.  It is a perfect way to end the week, and I am struggling, but it has given me a short term goal, so can manage it well.  Everyone heads off about 10pm which is great as I can hardly actually do anything, except M&D time.  So bottoms up.  I really, really hope that you have all had a fantastic day.  Aubery – special mention for you tonight too – if there was ever an inch perfect well neeeded and timed pass then you sending that txt to me when you did was it  – It lifted me perfectly.  Thank you mate – you are a legend.

Kia Kaha.