3 Too Many

“There are good and bad times, but our mood changes more often than our fortune.” – Thomas Carlyle

First up, no apologies over yesterday it was what it was – and took way to long to get it over with.  Today has been better but almost at times it has been as bad as yesterday.  If you wanted to see a real Leo roar then I think the people still cowering at Barrington are still there in fright.  I will give you a very brief background into what has consumed life over the past week.  I do not expect you to understand it or even try to, as I am now not sure what of/in me has changed.

I had an MRI last Tuesday before I had my seizure, as I had some side effects that had blown threw since March when it all happened.  The scan showed up some changes and as you would’ve aware I was on my treatment.  Well today we had the confirmed results, I will not be having anymore treatment.  So I got to within 4 days of completing the Chemo.  I am now just on active pain management and under palliative care (don’t read this as it been the beginning of the end, it is just the control that will be needed at the end so getting in early ensures that it is not a mess when I need it).  See I have to have my ducks lined up nicely to make it work.

This past week has almost rated as the hardest I have had to endure – 2 nights in hospital, ending treatment suddenly and not how I wanted it to be like, when I finished treatment, having new drugs introduced, having my first seizure, and to not sure what or who I have now become.  I am lost in myself and onlyI can find me, but along the way I am tearing apart those that are within striking range when they are trying to help me, care for me and love me regardless of who I am/are or are becoming.  I can still put on my many game faces but they are becoming harder to maintain.

I just pray that I don’t take out to many people along the way as I’ll say it now – I’m really sorry if you get to experience a piece of me that is not normal or out of sorts but I really can’t help it. 

I found out today that James in the hospital that I tried to help, is a relative of a friend of ours (and a fellow blog reader).  Small worl, eh.  Then again the Edmonds in Christchurch is .2 degrees seperati0n not the luxury 2 degrees everyone else gets   I really hope that he makes a speedy recovery and managed to make the fight last to Christmas for his family.  My thoughts and best wishes are with him and his family.  Thanks for the call too Rowdy – great to hear from you.  Take care mate.

So to sum up the day for you. As not going into symantec’s of it.  But thanks for the messages of support and help over the past week – it has been helpful – really.  Today has been tough.  The past 7 days has been a living  hell.  I am no longer on treatment, so no more poisoning myself. I am only on controlled pain management.  The seizure I had while scary, was not an arm/limb flaying exercise.  I merely said I was wobbly while I was downstairs, then got brought too upstairs about 15 minutes later and really only have snippets of last Tuesday. I now live in a fog permanently. I am not sure at times who I really am (well that’s how it feels). I can feel fantastic then in minutes turn into a pain ridden confused grumpy A1 top class prick).  I am impulsive, and probably the worst best quality I have is I am stubborn!!!  This will keep me going the longest of anything I ever get given or acquire.I also now have a lovely habit of dropping off at random.  That is I can be talking to you and I’ll be out to it like a light.  I usually can pick up again from where I was but I also have to be careful even crossing the road as I could have an incident.  These are mini type seizures and may die away so to speak – fingers crossed.  Oh and I haven’t slept really in the past week and a half – avg probably about 4 hours broken a  night.

I hope this answers some of the holes in the blog and life over the past week.  I will not be going into it any further. The next scan will be in about 3 months unless something major now happens.  Right M&D time and another stupid attempt to get sleep.  Hope all have  had a great week/day.  Keep on keeping on as someone has too – I’m not doing a great job.  Thank you for all been there – it is wonderful to know.

Kia Kaha.