3 Too Many

“If you’re in a bad situation, don’t worry it’ll change. If you’re in a good situation, don’t worry it’ll change.” – John A. Simone, Sr.

 Ok now this is getting really weird as I could have sworn that I had already started writing today’s blog but can find no trace of it – so if you find some idle ramblings laying around please send them back to me   This also means either I’m going mad, drugs are too good, or the tumours are toying with me.  Regardless I got to sleep about 2:30 – I think, and a crappy sleep ensued with nausea, and pain and restless behaviour waking several times.  Eventually get up about 8:30 to get meds on board.  The rest of the house is just starting to stir too.  Have some breakfast, make a cuppa and head back to bed for a bit.  A family plan of attack is drawn up on the day as we have a few things to cover off this morning.  No more time to lay around – up and into the day.

I meant to tell you about my hospital trip as it was really a case of paths meeting with several people over my time in there, but it is the paths that we were walking that is what made it interesting – if you follow me?  Lost?  Try to keep up.  Well the first real meeting was with a part Maori man – Tahu.  In the hospital, esp. Neuro and Oncology, you tend to have some patients that don’t sleep well due to brain injury, steroids, etc.  So they walk the Ward, supervised, day and night.  Well Tahu is a nice chap, unfortunately he could no long really form a sentence properly, and he no longer basically slept at all.  I got talking to his brother, and as you do you call your status.  He asked what was my ill – and I told him – 3 BT inoperable, etc.  A calm look back at me, he then point to his brother and says – the same.  He gets Tahu over and tells him.  If a face can tell a story in a single look then I got given a sorry tale.  I have never felt like I did from a look like that.  Tahu was there.  He was trapped, and the sadness and sorry in his eyes said more than I really wanted to ever face.  Tahu had a turn like mine a week earlier.  He had been fine and talking and ‘normal’ then collapsed came to unable to speak clearly, make a sentence, sleep, or do anything but walk the passages of the hospital.  His brother said that it was hard for the family, as they never got that last real conversation with him, and felt robed of the chance to say all that needed to be said.  Yes he was there, but was the real Tahu there?  It was unknown what was next for him, but palliative care was the start.  Tahu had developed an obsession of wanting to put a board game in the fridge though which was a bit of amusement, and did make you wonder if he was teasing a bit as the wry smile out of the side of the mouth gives it away.  Now I am telling you about Tahu as you see it is the first face to face encounter I have had with someone that in this case is a week away from where I had got to with a first seizure on Tuesday.  I f’n scared the crap out of me – really.  I was looking at my future as simple as that.  OK I might do it differently, but regardless, in a moment m external world may be shut out to all forever.  I don’t know if I will still be able to talk, remember, sleep, or even eat, but I now hold good byes, etc in more regard as they very really could be the final good bye in terms of words.  I thought you may like to know what it was like to view your fate in such a way.  Tomorrow I’ll tell you about Sharron the Nurse – all good and very helpful.

End up waiting for Lachie has he has got his difficult knickers on today and is going to be a stubborn ass A1 pain in the bum today.  Me, I’m just trying to figure which tick boxes I fit into today, as twice in 10 mins I have medium tremors, suddenly very weak and nearly collapse.  It gives you a wee bit of a fright and I just need to take a couple of minutes to regather myself and I’m fine then.  Decide that I’ll be fine and just deal with it.  Head off then to do the chores, and get back home about 2 1/2 hours later.  Not all accomplished but near enough. Meet Craig and the boys at home as Lachie is heading off to sta y with them tonight.  Have some lunch then Lisa arrives for a coffee and chat.  All good.  Lisa heads off and Sue takes Jacob to Brads.  It’s Brads B-Day so Jacob is staying out tonight too.  Craig then picks up the boys again and they head off.  Yay – childless today, and I feel like crap Might head to the movies to see SkyFall, so will have a nap this arvo so that I am in the right mental space to be able to handle watching it.  It will be interesting though as if just a Mall full of people messes with me to the point of wanting to run screaming from the place then a lot of fast movement on the screen in front of me (only could get the XtremeScreen tickets) could really be a tipping point.  Will let you know.  Wendy, Greg and the girls stop by then to see us and have a couple of beers on the patio with them.  Nice to see you all and thank you for the food parcel – very helpful.

Have an easy dinner with Roh and Andy.  It is the first real catch up like this without boys in many a while.  SkyFall is great (always loved Bond) – I manage to make it through the movie and not fall asleep too many times or flake out.  Very, very tired now though.  Still can’t pick my head space even now.  It is hurting a bit tonight and the random sleep monster is visiting  – still.  To the point it has taken me 15 minutes to write a paragraph up to here!  Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!  Stomping feet!!!  Interesting trying to take your meds in the dark of a movie theatre   Hope all have had a cruisy day and not had to much upset their day/evening.  Till tomorrow  – take care.

Kia Kaha.