3 Too Many

“It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.” – Unknown

Howdy folks. Sorry for the change in tack really with the blog. I am trying to internally understand and cope with my turn on Tuesday. This may take a few days, but to say it honestly has rattled me, I now feel is the understatement of the year. Have learnt so far that my playing field that I could control (emotions, mental, etc) is now not possible. Sorry, I am learning to get control of them again. So if I am out of order or place then please do not take offence too much as I am becoming reactionary, and struggling. This does not make it right for me to be naughty either.

Well I am writing this at 2:15 am as I’ve had an eventful (Wednesday) evening on many levels. The have moved my room to be in a male only room. Don’t ask, as I queried why but they want to put all the eggs into one basket so to speak. Talk about feeling like a whipper snapper, the next youngest to me here is 69 years old!  This would become clear as to why they really want me in here. I got to bed about 11 and managed to get to sleep. Until James, my 82 year old fellow inmate slipped. Dislocated hip time – body ouch!! He couldn’t reach his bell so he started yelling for the nurses, then anyone. By the time I woke and realised what was happening the nurses had arrived. No one else in the room woke. Love old age sleep anyhow the Doc (a small Asian lady) came in and she proceeded to try to put it back in. No offence lady but you struggled to lift his leg.  Anyway she couldn’t place it in, so went and rang for help. In the meantime James is in agony and the nurses tell him to sit tight – nice call, he’s not about to go dancing in the moon light. 10 mins pass with James in agony and calling for doctors and nurses again. I get up to see him and go and tell them he’s calling again. The doctor is on the phone still. Boy did I do the wrong thing! Stroppy head nurse growls at me for coming down to tell them. Then I get told that he has to wait for the doctor to authorise the pain medication. Almost said for her to prioritise it then. I’m now noticing a clash of personalities here – hhmm. And in no certain terms told to go back to bed, sorry but f you lady! Go back to tell James that help and pain medication is on its way. And it arrives about 2 mins later. A small dose of morphine (remember the morphine -it will near kill me if I have it). He then calls out and asks if I can stay to talk to him and hold his hand. Sure thing, that’ll stick it at the maggoty bitch. So James and I chat and try to laugh, compared cancer notes (as you tend to do on this ward) for the next 30mins. He is really starting to struggle, so just as a guise I say I’ll go and ask the nurses for him. Bad move. Just explain that I’m helping him by yakking to him and that I realise the nurses are busy. And that I’ll tell him they’ll be there soon. Invoke a telling of of new propositions, well I thought at the time it was. I was snapped at for telling them what I was doing and then the mear that fact she only had 3 staff on with 30 patients to care for. I said that’s fine, I’m trying to help so he doesn’t keep calling you, and waking everyone up. I said fine I’ll go to bed and give him the bell -that was the red wrag to the bull for now. I am not allowed to pass someone the nurse bell as I’m not a nurse. They are going to x Ray him so it is going to be longer to wait. Nurse leaves, James asks for me again. I can’t leave him, so over then for more chatting and reassurance. Mind later bitch arrives back with another nurse – Paula. Paula has her hands full with a back board, and James has hold of my hand. Bitch then tried to put morphine into James. I’m trying to get out of way and back to bed. Bitch then goes to pass me the morphine so she can help lift James up. Well,I didn’t take it off her, as I can’t touch it anyway, got growled at big time for trying to apparently take the morphine! Got back to bed finally, with bitch knickers boss I moaning in the background. While James is away getting treatment, Paula gives me my 1 am needs and we have a quick chat while she is taking blood pressure, etc. Paula says she’s normally like that – boss lady so must be mean. Well curtains ripped back, I need you to help now! Paula says yes, as she is just finishing with me. Well OK make it quick was the reply. Now through this journey I have learnt not to judge peoples reactions just on their external appearance,as you just never know what really is going on in their life. But this bitch needs a couple of pegs knocking out and driven through her feet! If you’re having a bad day, don’t take it out on the patients, as they may be having a tad worse day than you especially in Oncology. So now the 3 bits of me are torn between, formal complaint, informal complaint ie. just say something, or do my best to antagonize her into a real screw up. I will think and let you know. But thinking is not easy at the moment. And I really feel like dishing out 1&3 options on her.

James daughter arrives and takes over when he gets back from x Ray. Karen is an Ambo officer and bugger me if bitch isn’t nice as pie to her. I really hate people like this. So hence the meaning behind the saying today. James hip out back in in about 30 seconds, and is a lot happier. Surgeon visits and advises that won’t operate tonight but has to have as look in it tomorrow. So going to try to get entered on surgery schedule for first thing.

This highlights something that seems to be disappearing from our society – the right or willingness to care or show compassion without expecting anything in return. Look at the case in NY of the guy that photographed a man about to get hit by a subway train rather than going to a remote to help him of the lines. The sad thing was that the guy that died was a good Samaritan who got pushed there. Yes life is risky, but if you hear a cry for help do you do anything or are you worried that you’ll get hurt, in trouble, or he’ll maybe you just might stop making someone’s last moments lonely. Thank goodness Mum and Dad, but mainly Mum) for instilling the desire to help into me. From giving pizzas to homeless guys in London, to ignoring a moody bitch to ultimately make her team run better by holding a hand and sharing a kind word. I would like to think someone would do it for someone I know. I’m not asking for random acts of kindness everywhere, but just can we be civil when needed.

I am wide awake anyway due to the steroids, and head is sore – nothing new there. And it is hot still. I have the Windows open to but the breeze is very light so restless. I’ll try another Milo then sleep. Bugger me the bitch is back – she is doing assessment of James pain, and told him she’ll get to where it is hurting not have him saying what hurts. Hang on I’m getting mentioned, bitch has said that I’m not to help – no worries of that. I call it to say I’m not staying up for them, is cause of the drugs and I do a blog cause I’m bloody dying! Revelation bitch knickers – I am not hanging out cause I want too. Stupid cow. hope you read the blog. Also I think that having a formal complaint, won’t hurt her. Fall asleep about 5 finally.

Obs check and meds then at 5:30 and a bit of as chat to Paula (her brother and I went to college together). Get woken then at 8:30amas in overdue for meds. Breakfast is waiting too. Bead move to trying too stuff 13 pills and tablets down your throat at once! Especially with morning mouth,so they all stuck – yuck,then I ran out of water. Not a good way to start the day really. Sue stops by tho say Hello on her way to work.Quiet morning all up as waiting to see the Doctors, and finally convincing them to let me free. Get given the all clear and try to get hold of Dad to collect me. End up having Roh get me – thank you so much Roh. Feel a bit out of sorts today though – not like Tuesday, when I was wobbly. I think I’ve got to have a better way of communicating how when I say I’m wobbly, what it really is going on. Guess my task for the next few days is that to be more clear and descriptive about my state. Mind you the trouble is you can flip from one to another in minutes.

As I said in in a really strange place with everything at the moment, and seeing and talking with the boys and Sue today really made reality slap me hard. They were fantastic, more than I could ever wish for, but seeing me out to it on the floor was hard on them. Helping me to piece together minutes of a day, hard. I had a wonderful memory, and still do, but just to have time go without leaving a mark on the mind is wrong. It’s not like sleeping, but more like when you’ve been knocked out. And yes I’ll now admit that I have finally really being scared by this illness now. One/three little things. That’s it. Bastard,eh.

Walk to the chemist to get my latest lot of supplies – 5 bits of paper in total. I honestly got handed a supermarket bag of meds! No joking -a plastic supermarket bag full of them! Even Nick the most quiet person to ever work in a Chemist was laughing and cracked a joke about it! Trundle my way home. Had too treat out my new full time transport now- my feet! I now have a complete medical ban on all driving. The most I could do is turn the car around on the driveway. Oh well they could’ve said to me that I couldn’t drink as well. Dad comes to visit, and I get whacked with instant fatigue. Have a lay down – I remember it this time Due Wakes me at 6 pm – shit where did those 2 hours go? She has to drop Lachie at school as they are putting on their end of year school performance, then Sue & I are going to meet the work crew for the Xmas dinner. Magenta (lovely niece) has come to hang with Jacob for the day and night, as he is on leave now.  Lachlan show was excellent. Have an enjoyable time and so does he. Drop the kids of at home then head of to dinner. Fantastic,fun evening with all my colleagues and Aaron is there as well. Great to see you again Buddy. Thanks for a fun time folks. Even managed to eat a wee bit too. Get home about 11:30 and relax. Sarah has just finished her shift at the hospital so is picking Jenta up. Have a quick catch up,then they head off. Seems the past few days are catching me up quickly as starting to hurt and feel a bit weaker. But steroids are good and they make me feel awake, so I do the blog for the hungry readers out there being their fix. Well I hope there is someone out there like that. Nice to be home though.

Sorry if the blog is random reading today, it is a bit like my head really. Actually it was composed in several parts over the day, so my brain has just dumped as such. I really hope that all have had a fantastic day and all has gone as good as possibly could for you. Take care. And thank you for the continued messages they are helping me.

Kia Kaha.