3 Too Many

Beware your thoughts; they become your words.
Beware your words; they become your actions.
Beware your actions; they become your habits.
Beware your habits; they become your nature.
Beware your nature; it becomes your destiny.

Unknown

What a beautiful night to sit up until about 3:30 reading.  Bright moon out the window shining in, warm house and dead silence – even mother nature didn’t let out a rumble to break the peace.  Got lots of reading done – very interesting stuff too.  It is on an American Website about Cancer and brain tumors and how other people that have similar to what I have and are doing the same treatment routine are coping and finding their journey along the way.  Very in depth reading some of it and nice to know in a way that I am not alone with how I’m coping some days.  I really don’t expect you to understand how it feels to know that you are not alone, pursae, on this journey.  I mean I am one person tracking through this, with you all as witnesses, and while I am not alone, as I have you as support, I am alone in what I experience and it is impossible to explain how it really feels.  But with this support group online, we discuss meds (including the wonders and hate of steroids), how it feels and can understand and relate to what has been said, etc.  There are people just starting their journey, god that seems so, so long ago, and those like me nearing the last treatment of Chemo, and left in the void of wonderment as to what then.  It heartened me to see a couple of other people say that exact thing.  But here is my go at the best description of what it is like.  You have had your life journey switched off track, from the normal track of life you were running on.  Along this side track, you have had to run through the dark places with out a light, cross the bridges with rickety beams, and pass the stations of life that no one should have to pass through until their end of days, all with the hope that the destination will eventually end up back where you left from.  The place that friends, colleagues and loved ones left you, and want and hope to see you return too.  The unfortunate bit is for all the want anf hope, the destination is still mortality, and on a new track of life’s journey.  You now have to find where the stations of friends, loved ones and colleagues lives are at now, and make an effort to bring your life to them as much as you want them to be there for you.  There is no welcoming party, pat on the back or well done that would ever really make it right or real.  Don’t misread this as don’t say well done, keep fighting but just understand that I have changed, we have changed and change is what this world is doing – nature, physics, biology – every second we are enduring change and some times it is just really bloody hard work and hurts.  Don’t think I’m brave either as I have no choice as I had mortality put in front of me at 1732 on Friday 30 March in ward 28 of Christchurch Hospital.  When a doctor with tears in her eyes tells you point blank that this is going to kill you – it will take your life, you either implode, get angry, hit walls or things,then stop and go right – I still taking my next breath now and the next so I’m alive now, and that is all I can do from now on – keep taking in each breath with as little thought to if it could be the last.  I hope that any of you ever get to hear that said to you either as a patient, partner, support person or parent.  It still rings very loud in my ears for good and bad – but I try to make for the good and let it drive me on – it may be going to kill me, but at least I know what it is that will

So manage to wake at 6:30 feeling quite awake considering the less than recommended amount of sleep.  Get up, meds, and cuppa tea.  Even mange to eat some breakfast.  Get ready for the day then.  Dad arrives to show off his new wheels, and takes Jacob to school.  Sue, Lachie and I head off and drop Lachie off and we continue to get rid of me too.  Strol into work – quite relaxing.  Have a good day until I realise that I have left my high strenght pain killers at home so call Dad to come and et me to go and collect them.  Wait downstairs for him then get a call that he has had an accident – in the new Jag   Just a nose to tail but still an arse.  One of the other cars involved was a Porsche so an expensive little bang up.  Feel bad for him as he was trying to help me.  Still he was driving not me.  Bernard takes me to get the meds – thanks Bernard.  Back to work then and manage to have some lunch too – so steroids doing well in holding the appetitte.  Get a bit more work done then head off – walking home and have to be there to meet the boys as Sue has to work late today at short notice. 

Pleasant stroll home  – bloody warm though in the sun and manage too clock off 6.5kms.  Get home just as Dad and Jacob arrive home too.  Have a coffee with Dad and he heads off then Lachie arrives home.  I login to work for a bit and try to get sorted what I was working on earlier.   The boys keep themselves entertained by arguing – grrr!!  Here from Sue that she is going to be later so I take 5 mins to throw tea together (Thai Green Curry – easy peasy).  And back to work.  Sue finally gets home and we have dinner – a bit fiery but good still.  Then get head off for a walk.  Bad move the walk – well was going fine at the start.  Get about 1km around the block and wham – pain!!  Extreme pain.  Manage to limp, shuffle home, though very slow.  Bloody pain is start, stop sort.  I hate this bloody cancer bullshit!!  Get home and spend several minutes in a ball on the bedroom floor in agony.  Then get down to the couch and fall asleep for a bit.  Ahh pain my old friend, you’ve been saving yourself for today- you bastard!   I start chemo again tonight an this – well that is the cancer life – walking along admiring the view from the egde and next thing bang, you’re tumbling into oblivion saying to yourself , this is nice – NOT!  Faaarrkkkk!!!  Faaarrrkkk!! Faaarrrk!  Is all I have to say about this.  – Right 9:30 – brief break for Chemo input part one.  New Anti-Nausea drug – tastes funny, but seems to do it’s thing.  Sue heads to bed as her back is buggered and is giving her hell. 

Watch some TV  – what is it with bloody American medical shows and their obcession with Brain tumours and been able to save the world operating on them, and of course thery’re the most difficult ones that could strike.  Yeh – right!! Pain Killers next – good ones.  Then Chemo itself – 5 days to go – I can do it!  Then Panadol to even up things for the night.  There you have it.  Bed about 11pm if I’m lucky and then see what the steriods do to me.   An extended M&D time today.  Hope all have had a great day and relaxing evening.  Take care, and be good.  Will leave it there as sitting here going into a bad head spcae and that’s not good.  Catch ya here tomorrow.

Kia Kaha.