3 Too Many

“LEARN from yesterday, LIVE for today, and HOPE for tomorrow.” – Madeline

Well don’t you love starting a new day feeling that it is from your eyes opening, going to be so much better than yesterday?  It is just an awesome feeling – simple as that.  I’ve put yesterday behind me and knowing how I was really feeling, I don’t think the tamed down blog truly reflected or related to my actual state.  Full medals go to Sue, Jacob and Lachlan for their tolerance and understanding of me and the way that they cope when I’m like I was.  I’m difficult as the best of times, but when I get stick in mud mode, it must be unbearable.  I loose sight, probably as I have tried to explain before, as I don’t recognise due to drugs, tumours, fuck knows what, is going on in my head, but I get tunnel vision and driven that that is and will be the only way things will be.  I’m right, that’s it.  Even though today I can sit back and go what the hell, and where the hell is it really coming from?  This attitude, behaviour, stubbornness, etc. Especially when on Friday I was saying how good and right it is to stay easy going and have fun, but then shut out entire days to it, when those days are all too precious to give away to this vial illness!!  I guess I’m saying that I’m prepared to accept that I recognise that I have done wrong, and that I have hurt those around that are trying to care for and love me by letting the dark moments get the controlling interest in me.  Sue, Jacob, Lachie, (and Brad – though you did well to stay low) – I’m sorry guys!  The real bastard of it all is not realising until the next day how bad you’ve been.

And also here is the reason that today is going to be a brilliant day too.  As you know the All Blacks played overnight and even though they lost – I won!!!  I am the top picker in NZ out of 14456 people and won $300 for the cause!!  The prize money isn’t brilliant but it paid a good portion of the BBQ, and will fund a bottle of Goose and Jim Small Batch I’m sure.  Wish they would add another 0 to the prize.

Rugby Tours Grand Prize Winners

First place – $300 – Headless – Yeah Boy/Babe – I’m number bloody ONE!!!  http://rugbytours.jimungo.com/Leaderboards/Default.aspx

Well on to the day – crappy sleep.  Too hot, restless, sore you name it, it was just crappy.  Woke about 5 times and spent about 3-4 hours reading in parts to try to go to sleep again.  Still woke at 8:40 toi find my meds box and a hot cuppa tea besides the bed – thanks guys!  Lay in bed, read and enjoy my cuppa.  Decide about 9:45 it’s to hot to stay there – it is already 26 degrees and dead still.  They reckoned it was goingto be a hot one.  Announce that breakfast will be scrambled eggs, bacon and toast done by me on the new BBQ.  Yep – splashed out and brought a new hooded one – like it.  Dutifully cook a kilo of bacon and scramble up eggs – got to do it properly. And no, that wasn’t all just mine   It’s hit 30 degrees by the time we clean it up – OMG I think I’m going to melt!!!  The wind has thankfully started to come up and it “cools” it ot about 26 again.  Plod around the house do bit and pieces.  The 3 boys head off to Pioneer Pool for a swim.  Mum comes over for a visit and a catch up.  Have a nice time chatting, etc.  She then heads off.

Continue doing little things around the house – sort the garage out a bit more, and do some sweeping up around the house.  Prune some trees.  The day was whizzing by and now it is dragging like a wet week.  Just hard to get really started on doing anything as too hot.  Sit down and try to sort out some more of my PC issues and that whiles away time.  Sue and the boys head off to drop Brad at home.  I continue chilling out and trying to think of things that need to be done around the house – it is one of those little things that gets in your head I guess, where you have that never ending list of needing this screw tightened, or that door adjusted, sorts of things, with having a house, and I am trying to get through them all as they don’t need to be left to be stresses in life once I’m gone.  They are things that I can deal with so I will endeavour to venture into uncharted territory.

The family get home and we have some passes even though Jacob could not look anymore tired than he is – piss hole red eyes, stroppy look, dickhead attitude – oh that’s right he’s a teenager – scrub that he is perfectly fine and normal   Nope both boys exhausted so early to bed.  Jacob only has another 2 1/2 days of school left then on leave until the end of January!  Bloody slack ass schools – he has nearly 9 weeks off!!  Sit down to empty the heads into the blog and try to convey the ways a messed up mind goes on different days.  Seriously – I have cut back my meds ready for the chemo round and if you take out the mess you up steroids, I’d probably be fantastic, but put in the fun side effects of dexamethasone and you have a real messed up man!  Go on Gogle it.  Yes – it is a wondrous drug and I would say I would’ve ended up in hospital this week without it, but it messes you up along the way.  Anyway back to reality. Joh calls for a catch up –  thanks Joh – was good timing as needed to talk.  Hope the pool is filled and ready to use soon.  Deb and Glen come over to visit and have an evening drink, then end up bringing over their crepes to test on us – they are staring up a new business so trying different methods of cooking them and flavours, and fortunately we are one of their lucky test customer bases – thanks guys – bloody awesome!!  Oh and thank you for dinner too ;-).  Have a great evening and get the boys off to bed.  Sit down to watch TV then and finish off the blog.  Then off to a hot bath and bed as shattered from doing bugger all.  Hope that all have shared in a fantastic day and had lots of fun and laughs. And are feeling like – ahh – number 1!  Oh sorry that’s me!!!   Hahaha!!!  Enjoy the day/arvo/evening.  Keep smiling it makes others wonders what you’re been doing.

Kia Kaha.