3 Too Many

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford

1st of December – first day of Summer – yeah right – good Tui ad that one.  Summer mornings don’t start on 3 degrees!!!  Still warmed up to be 20.  Ok – warning, tonight is short sweet and blunt.   If your eyes hurt at the thought of seeing nasty words then don’t read on – else see if I’m having you on or not.  So lets get this puppy skinned and boiled for cat food as things to do – Shit sleep – simple as that with bloody bit capitals SHIT sleep.  Kept waking and did the blog late last night which didn’t help.  Bloody  Mother F’n steroids are into their finest stages now.  Have an appetite of a hungry lion and in a nasty evil mood.  Wake to the morning a bit later and bitch about needing to get meds.  Taking a managed approach to them at the moment, and cutting them back to bear essentials before starting that bastard Chemo round on Monday. And I’m to start winding back the steroids form tomorrow too.    So by Monday morning I should be in fine form.  The only saving grace is that I am at home today and so all are safe.  The up coming Chemo though has me torn in many directions so that would explain why I am feeling this way. It seems it was only like yesterday that I was so excited at starting this treatment as it gave me hope and a future of sorts.  Now it is ending and I am feeling lost, sad and happy – now you try to work those 3 f’kers together and stay balanced and sane!!  On 1 hand I am happy I’m finishing the chemo, on the other I’m scare and saddened that it’s ending and I’ll be cut loose so to speak, and on my foot I have the feeling of loss in that I am now on the way to loosing it all.  The days are clicking over quickly.  So excuse the state of mind I’m in if you see me, but quite frankly I couldn’t give a rats arse what you make of it.  Well I do care just it takes a bit of effort.

Get up and go and mow the lawn in case it rains as not looking stunning.  The neighbour looks like they’re trying to sleep in – sucks to be them – I’m up and it is Saturday morning.  Lawns done and do some other things around the house keeping clear of residents.  Can’t explain how I am today but f’ed up feeling is the only term I can think of to say it honestly.  I’m going through a bad day of sulking that I’m dying and watching each day close out, so just need to get over myself, as I don’t know hoe many of these finite ones I have left so need to stop wasting them on wanting the strangle the crap out of someone or have the overwhelming urge to hurt something.  Don’t worry, I would never do that to someone I might know.  That’s why we have strangers, as you don’t care about them and it somehow makes watching them hurt more pleasurable.  And allows you to refine ways to get at people too.  So there you have it, my sadistic side has come out.  I told ya I’m not doing to well today, and the 4 walls of the compound are doing a fine job.

Tolerate a trip to the chemist and supermarket – and it takes a lot of tolerance too.  A’holes a plenty around today.  Get home and catch up on my pain meds – maybe I won’t cut them all back, just the ones I know I can do so safely. Sue and Lachie head out for a a coffee with Judy and Jenna, then return later on. Brad and Jacob stay and play on the PS3, while I sort out some of my computer stuff.   The boys decide to camp out tonight so dig out the tent and Sue assists in putting it up.  Have dinner, boys PS3 some more, I blog, then think about watching a movie, and maybe hitting the bath too, as aching all over – my own bloody fault, enough said.  Dad calls and reports in that he is now in Wellington with his new toy – XK8 Jag convertible – yes Joh he has gone to 5 cars not down too 2 as planned.  I have let him get this one on the proviso that he sells at least 2 of them.  Silly bugger has got a ticket in it already too – slow it down Father!!  Anyway – it was deaf ears those words just fell on I think.  Hope all had a relaxing day and done not a lot or to much   Just looked at the language – not to bad compared to how it was intended to flow out of the head to the keys.  Enjoy what tomorrow brings, cause as yesterdays sings I was the hope of all your things, and today is the present and full of wondrous things, so you should believe in everyday.

Kia Kaha.