3 Too Many

I am Strong, because I have been Weak.
I am Fearless, because I have been Afraid.
I am Wise, because I have been Foolish.

Full nights sleep, but didn’t settle down until about 2:30am as had bad jolts and twitches last night.  They are funny random movements, and I am just waiting for one to lead to a full blown seizure. The deep sleep is probably due to been so tired and my meds.  Woke to Jacob screaming at the cat – thanks Jacob nothing like waking quietly.  In trouble this morning as hurting that much I can’t move.  And I’m not just saying that. I actually physically can’t move as everything hurts to much.  Sue goes and gets my meds box and dishes out the required helpers.  Wait another 45mins as the pain killers are taking so long to work.  Eventually the pain eases enough that I’m able to get up.  Dad then calls and we have a fat chat about things.  Then I shuffle along my way and get on with the day.  A scorching shower helps heaps, and a top up of pain killers to numb myself up. 

I have been doing a lot of reading lately about my type of tumours and especially how others with similar – I have still not found anyone else in the world with the exact same type, but then again that’s not surprising given the rarity of them – have coped and how they have got through everything.  Interesting enough the majority of them have had surgery and are living on strong after 2-3 years.  I won’t say how long those without surgery, just chemo and radiation like me have gone on for.  But the majority of them have sat back and just let the doctors dictate what they can do, and how much they can do.  I have found a couple of people who have approached it very similar to how I am, in that questions doctors, research treatment and what drugs they are feeding you, and be up front about it.  The comments from some people about this approach are astounding as in  they think that it is wrong to question the doctors, and basically how dear you go on trying to live normally when you are so sick.  Also how others are responding to the Chemo treatment is amazing in that most are suffering violent side effects, so I really think that I am lucky that I either have a cast iron constitution or are able to suck up a lot of pain, etc.  I know that I have been knocked around by the drugs but compared to what some people have said – I have a mear cold compared to them.  Also they talk about the psychological barrier of finishing chemo and been ‘cut loose’ from the medical support.  Yes they are still there but the weapon against the tumours are gone.  The battle switches theatres so to speak, as it goes from a chemical/biological one to a psychological one.  But several people also say not to let it become a moral battle.  So after the treatment ends, I will probably be needing a bit more support so to speak in terms of taking grasp of each day and making the most of it, without buckling under the pressure of knowing these mofo’s can light up again at anytime and it will be game on from there.  The pain is also going to only get worse and more intense to.  Though today I think I proved I can still function with pain – spent most of the day at about 6-7 in pain levels – no one knew until I told them about it, and got growled at for it.

Head off to do the grocery shopping, and have an outburst at a weirdo lady that instead of going around me sorting stuff in the trolley pushed into it and goes excuse me.  Jacob is driving so moves to the side for her. She doesn’t say thank you so gave her a barrel full of her heritage.  For some reason she looked shocked – stupid cow!!  Yes – as I have been reminded several times today, I am not in a nice mood and treating everyone mean.  Trouble is I didn’t really realise it, but thinking back maybe I was a little wound up today and spoiling for trouble.  Doesn’t mean she wasn’t a weirdo cow still!  Get home and have a quiet arvo, do housework, burn some Ants with a magnifying glass (a bit of boyhood fun there).  Then have a lay down as I’m exhausted – those ants run fast   Watch a thunder storm roll in then.  It passes quickly thankfully.

Roh and Kate arrive and Andy a bit later.  They are here for dinner. Have a good night socialising and chatting.  But hurting like hell.  Take the maximum amount of pain killers that I can and are pratically numb!  Do the blog then M&D time and off to bed as bloody shattered now, and pain is still there.  I really hope that I wake with less pain and in a better frame of mind tomorrow else it will be a terrible day for all concerned, and not sure I could really cope with it.  Really hope everyone has had a fantastic day and it has been more enjoyable than you could ever imagine.  Take care, smile and be good.  Till the morrow – my thoughts are with you all.

Kia Kaha.