3 Too Many

“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” – Lao Tzu

Sleepless night again. Well about 2 hours sleep actually, so did get some. But to use a line from that Ghost Chips ad – I’ve being internalizing a really complicated situation – how do you die? How would you like the final act to be? To deep a question? The second question I think most people would answer as peacefully in my sleep. The first question is one I seem to be asking myself more often now. Well I’m doing it the best way I can, with a fight. But what is missing? I mean what is the bit that I don’t get? I am trying to live as normal as I still can but that is becoming a struggle more these days.but really is it just I am doing a good cover up job on how I really are going? Keep popping the pills and then wait 6 hours and have more, then another 6 hours, but don’t forget the 4 hourly ones.I reckon I have taken more pills in the last 8 months than I have in my entire bloody life. 25 per day off Chemo, 30 per day on chemo, that makes at an estimated 7744 pills as I was on a load early on that I fought to get taken off. That is a lot of drugs in anyone’s language, everyone taken so I can be here for you. But back to the question, how do you die? I’m looking for the deeper side to the meaning of this. An I meant to be laid up sickly in bed or going out of my mind – which I think I am starting to already. Our do I give up and just let it happen? I mean sorry for the questions but having not done this before I am a little perplexed. Sure I am doing well which goes to prove that drink top shelf Bourbon does you good Already bits of how life will drift into death are becoming evident – weight loss, only been able to drink liquid meals, the increasing pain in my head and body and tiring easily. When it comes to the final moments I don’t want fuss and machines – for what, to get me another day maybe? I want my last breath to be out of my mouth and not from some oxygen mask. I will decide when it will be over not some machine. I would love to have donated my organs to others so they may have the chance to keep living, but unfortunately after having cancer they won’t take them, plus they are to well preserved already. The bit that worries me the most is that I’m allergic to hi pain killers like morphine so I’m going to be hurting as bit. That is not really for me to worry about as they have assured me they will find the right drugs to help me. I think that when the time comes that I will be ready for it. I mean,I have been fighting this for 242 odd days now and I could do with a breather. As the line in the book – Tuesdays with Morrie – ” Learn how to die, and you learn how to live.”

So how is this for a starter into the day.  Is it any wonder that I’m a little messed up?  Lack of sleep and thinking through deep shit does you’re head in.  It really does, and that isn’t poking fun at the tumours either.  Glad that the Auckland trip is over as it was something of sorts on what could as close as possible be called a bucket list.   Thanks to all that made the trip possible.  Anyhow, I wake in Auckland for the unknownth time and are hurting a bit.  Get up and get ready for the day,  Meds downed early as was awake anyway.  And got to pack and get ready to head home to Christchurch.  Packing sorted quickly, and we then head off to the beach for a walk with Hannah and the dog.  Home then via a cafe to get a coffee, and then home for lunch.  I stay hoem to watch Leo whose having a sleep, while the others head off to see Angus do his wearable arts presentation.  They get home, load the car and we hit the road to the airport.  Drive through a hell of a thunder storm on the motorway.  Hail, thunder, lightening – the works!  The hail was so thick on the ground yo couldn’t see the road markings, and that loud you had to yell so the other person could hear you.  Drive out of it just before the airport.  Drop off the rental car, and get dropped at the airport.  Good flight home and Roh meets us- thanks Roh. 

Pizza for tea as to tired to cook.  Boys in bed and lights out as school tomorrow.  I blog it – well finish the blogs anyway.  Hurting so much now, it is painful to type :-{ Hopefully you have somethings to ponder from today’s out burst.  I know I have.  Heading for pain killers and hot shower then electric blanket and what I hope will be sleep!  Hope all have had a great day.  Take care out there.

Kia Kaha.