3 Too Many

“How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? ” -François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

You know you’re in pain when you wake up in tears and go to move then realise what the tears are for. Woke at 3 feeling fine, then again at 5:45, hurting so much I could nearly move. So great I’m in for one of these days!

Being feeling a little emotional this week too, as I found down on finding Chemo and the end of the year. I was talking with someone yesterday (whom has fought cancer too) and how they used to look forward to a new year starting and thinking of what wonders it will bring. But after a big year with bad news in it, the outlook is different. It was nice to hear really as it is how I have been feeling thinking as well, and sort of makes you feel”normal” of sorts that the happiness of a New Year starting is overshadowed by the background fear/concern that bad things have will happen (which odd life anyway) but it is a matter of just how bad.2012 has been a huge year for me so far – there is still 11/2 months left! I have yet to face really the reality of finishing all the Chemo in 4 weeks time.you would think that I’d be happy to have it over with and finished. Yes and no is the answer to that one. I have a love hate relationship with the drugs. I love what they are doing in fighting the mofo’s but hate the way it knocks me for a six in the process. Really can’t complain as the previous chemo they used to dose you with was even more harsher on you. I said very early on in my treatment that the Docs said that all I had to do with fighting was take care of myself and leave the radiation and chemo to do their things, and not fight a against what they are doing for me. Easily said but terrible to try to do though I think I nearly have it mastered now. So before the years out I have 2 more things to mentally and emotionally confront and deal with – finishing treatment and facing the end of the year with the hope and determination that it is not my last one, but the background reality that it could be. I am not dwelling on it more pushing myself to see the good of it and gain the strength needed to confront it – I can hear the voice in my head telling me to be strong and positive, so if you have any positive thoughts spare send them my way, as I’ll use/need them.

A quiet start to the day, with not a lot happening. Spend a lot of energy trying to deal with the pain. Head is about a 4-5 and body is about 5-6 with peaks hitting around the 7-8 mark. It is every joint hurting again which is unfair as even my little fingers and toes are aching something wicked, so moving is an energy sapping task. Still manage to have a great day and some fun times. Not a lot to report on though. Absolutely shattered though, and sore.

Have dinner (nearly nodding off to the point Ialmost landed head first in my dinner,about 1cm in it) and sit down to relax, and promptly fall asleep for an hour and abit. Wake then and take on the fight with the tablet while trying to blog. Can’t believe that it’s Thursday over with already. Trust all have indulged in a wonderful day and that the path through has been laid through in feathers and not boulders. Take care be good, and I’ll catch you back here tomorrow – Same Bat time, same Bat channel (remember that from Batman that used to be on at 6 pm on TV2 on Tuesday and Thursdays).

Kia Kaha.