3 Too Many

 “Endings are not always bad. Most times they’re just beginnings in disguise.” ― Kim Harrison

“Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean.”  ― David Searls

Double quotes today as I feel that they are both appropriate and are relational to how I am feeling and thinking at the moment.  Shitty sleep and very sore today.  Not sure how to rate the pain but its back in my fingers and toes, and every bloody joint really.  Also I can’t forget my head as it is having a rambunctious time too.  Usual – blah, blah – make a cuppa tea, take 9 pills, crawl back into bed and read about how the world has coped while I’ve been asleep.  Then get up feeling ill, get ready to face the day.  And what a brilliant spring day too – sunny, still, warm and just one of those perfect days.  Dad comes over to collect Jacob and I – we’re dropping Jacob at school, and then I’m taking the Typhoon to Ford to get the brakes assessed.

Drop Jacob off then Dad, and hit the road toward work.  Nice to drive again   No swearing or cursing just cruising in music pumping – maybe the weather is helping the mood. And if you have a comment about me driving then take a number 1 or 2 – you choose how many fingers   Cause I’ll do what the hell I want as I have always done.  Drop the car off and walk into work around the corner.  Have a good day in the office.  Cath, Bernard and I head to RE:Start mall at lunch time to stretch our legs and get a bite to eat.  It is absolutely stunning out – almost too hot.  Slower walk back to the office as my head keeps having moments.  I’m fine though as I have 2 guardians watching me – thanks guys.  Head back to Ford about 2:20 to collect the car and head for home.  Get home to find the drive blocked by the drilling rig as they are taking their third lot of core samples now to find out what sort of land we are sitting on.  Quite arvo then just taking it easy as head not brilliant. 

Ready for the deep waffle now?  I have finished the book last night that Scotty gave me – “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch.  Ironically the last bit of the book covers what I am dealing with in myself.  I have been thinking about a lot recently, and more overly what is it that I will be leaving as my legacy.  Or more over what are the memories that the boys will have of me?  Thankfully they are of an age where they will have lots of memories of me.  But it is what will those special ones be – that is up to the boys to decide, but I do wonder sometimes if I have made enough effort to be the best Dad I could for them that they will tell their children about how I was, or what we did.  I know I am very demanding of standards and expectations (and have been doing my darnedest to change that), but I’ve only ever wanted them to be gentlemen as it is a quality that seems to be so lacking in a lot of society these days.  Sure have fun, but respect your elders, your peers and guide the youngsters.  Have manners, open doors, be polite, control you’re language (yes even I can do that sometimes).  Show empathy not sympathy unless you really know what something is like (if you don’t know the difference then go find out for yourself – there is a huge difference).  But most of all be you, in your life, be who you want and be happy that you have given that your best effort.  I guess I can almost say that about myself.  I know that on 30 March I about 9:30 at night I stood in the lounge and looked around.  Had I got what I wanted – well almost, did I dive for paper and a pen to write a bucket list – no.  Why not?  What would I write – I had lived my life almost, I say almost, as the best I could.  But what is that one thing that they will always remember me for?  I am going to write them letters, about who they are/were to me.  I’m also going to do some video diaries for them – scary stuff that.  I hate my picture, and talking to videos, plus trying to put myself outside the reason of why I am doing this so to keep my emotions in check.  What to expect when they’re older – in terms of what life will bring them – you know Dad to Son sort of stuff.  What my expectations of them would be if I was there.  All that sort of stuff.  Hard to put in writing really but I think that you get the idea.  Well I hope you do.  The biggest help though will be you folk.  You will be the ones who know the different aspects of me that make me whole.  For I doubt anyway even my parents or Sue has ever seen the complete me, and all that goes with it.  It’s not all bad – but can at times be a hang-on tight Dorothy as Kansas is going bye, bye!

 Have dinner then relax outside for a bit in the warmth of the evening.  Doing a lot of deep thinking at the moment and trying to find answers to things that I doubt I will ever get.  Had a bit of an emotional battering day today as found out that 3 people I know have passed over – 2 of them in the past day.  1 was sudden too, which makes me think in a small way, just how lucky I am that I at least have some chance to say goodbye and leave/share memories with people.  Thanks to those that have let me know whats happened – Wendy, Dave, Nutty.  So please take a small moment at some time today/tonight to pause and think about those you have lost and all those whom have just passed over, in that they find their peace and way where ever they are.  Take care.  And take time with loved ones, as you just never know.  Today has rocked my world because of the wrong reasons unfortunately.  Lets hope tomorrow is better.

Kia Kaha. 

Jacob swinging over the Heathcote River, Ashgrove Tce, 27 October 2012.

Lachlan swinging over the Heathcote River, Ashgrove Tce, 27 October 2012.