3 Too Many

“Three things you should know:

1) There is nothing to hold you back except you.

2) You are limited only by your own imagination.

3) You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.” – Unknown

Don’t even ask!  I mean it’s Friday so why would things get any better?  Sleep – about 3 hours very broken and restless.  I am that shattered I can’t even dream or think of anything logical about too write about.  So blah, blah, blah – that is about the logic that I can make of myself.  Hurting everywhere, and I mean everywhere.  Seriously, well for about 30 seconds, think should I stay home, go to work or go to hospital.  Come to the conclusion that staying home alone is not wise, so go for heading to work, that way if I need the hospital I am close by.  Take my morning dose of helpers, and what extras that I can/am allowed too in an attempt to be able to walk and move.  Even take some of the dreaded steroids in an attempt to ease things up, as the hospital told me to try that last time I got like this.  Reluctantly take them, as not sure if the side effects are worth the positives.  All the meds are slow kicking in today.  The brain fog thickens to pea-soup status   Get ready for the day, but moving very slow – not sure if it is just in my head or actually for real.  Dad arrives to take Jacob to school, has a cup of coffee, a chat and they then head off.

Sue, Lachie and I head off not long afterwards.  Weather is a bit fresh today – but have a pleasant slow shuffle to the office.  Shaz is pleased to see me as there was only Martijn and her there, so they thought they were in for a lonely day.  The others all arrive.  In my foggy messed up state (my eyes are that bloodshot that I look like I’ve been on the turps in a smokey room all night), I manage to remember how to do a couple of jobs, so I claim victory over the memory for that.  Try to keep up my med levels, and discover I have left one of the main pain killers at home – bugger it!!  Do my best to cope without it.  Head off just after 1pm and not soon enough for today.  Get home and just really feel out of sorts, and restless.  I bloody hate it when I’m like this.  You know when you’re tired, and not thinking straight and just fidgety but then you’re to sore to be able to move much, and laying down hurts so I stay up shuffling around the house – everyday I’m shuffling – driving Sue mad.   Mind you I think she is already mad as she is making  some dough in the bread maker and instead of tipping a cup of flour in to the bowl on the bench, she tips into the empty bread-maker – no comment!  As I do dumb things too like this, I decide it is better and safer to stay silent.  See I can still make rational decissions on self preservati0n.

Lachie gets home and gets ready for indoor footy.  Sue and him head off, via Dad’s to collect Jacob as well. I stay home to be restless and annoy myself and the cat and dog.  More meds – story of my life.  Heard from the Chemo Doc whom we’ve let know what’s happening with me and have a penciled in plan of attack if I can’t get out of this state I’m in the next day or so.  I am now determined that I will not end up in hospital this weekend, even if it damn near kills me!  There’s plenty of time for hospital beds when I’m really ill.  Until then no.  Sort of get a second wind  – well enough to make me feel slightly less foggy, still hurting though.  Downside of feeling a bit better – suddenly feeling really, really sad and down.  I’m going to blame the steroids.  Hell if they’re acting like this while awake then I’m in for a fun night.  This crap with pain and sleeping has been going on for over a week now.  I am struggling to explain how it feels, what its like, etc.  And I feel I am loosing touch with myself again as I can’t remember things from 30 seconds ago most of the time.  Just when you think that you’ve learnt to ride the waves of this cancer crap along comes the extended version of hell.  I’ve honestly had enough of this, and I give it back now?

Family get home.  Muster up the energy and strenght to go outside to have a kick of the football with the boys.  No matter how I am I will find the strenght for them – time is a precious comodity that I have to invest wisely.  I spend the night then paying for it, and have lost all colour in my face – nice shade of white now.  Even bloodshot eyes have settled back to normal.  Have tea, do blog, suffer more, watch a movie called A Little Bit of Heaven, and suffer a bit more – you know an average Friday night.  The movie is really good and sorry but it is about a woman that gets terminal colon cancer and how she and her family and friends deal with it.  There is a lot of things that I can tick off on what happens and put names to people even.  Watch if you want of if you want a to borrow a copy then give me a shout.  I really hope that all have had a better week than I have and definitely a better day.  Hang in there it ius the weekend now – time to unwind a bit.  M&D time then bed – and I won’t even say sleep.  If anyone is selling some then please contact me as I’m sure we could work out a fair price   Take care, don’t be good, but be careful.

Kia Kaha.