3 Too Many

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein

Restless sleep again.  Kept waking thinking about different things – the boys growing up, everyday is a battle to live, and some other things that take me to the dark places.  With the boys growing up, I kept thinking about how well they are developing into young men.  Especially Jacob, with the day he had yesterday – folding washing, cleaning bathrooms and toilets, doing the dusting and vacuuming, all without been asked, he just knuckled down and did it.  He has good life skills already that will serve him well when he gets older.  I have always wanted the boys to grow up with manners, self pride, self sufficent and with good ethics, and I probably drove them too hard when it came to learning these qualities. Hence what caused a lot of friction in the past.  But over the past few months I have learnt to step back and just let them be children and also see really how well they have these qualities instilled in them.  And I must say that I am proud of who they are becoming as individuals.  On Saturday when we were out for the morning walk Jacob, Lachlan and I had a great old chat about a lot of things, and this really reinforced who they are – one a deep thinking old soul that ponders actions first, and the other a deep thinker as well but will act/react then think about things.  You can guess who is who   I told them that the only really thing want for them is that they are the person that they want to be, and not what others expect them to be.  It took some explaining but they understand.  They have been coming to me more for just cuddles and chats – it is very heartwarming.  I have learnt the full value of these actions, and treasure them more.  I think that it is sad that it has taken my diagnosis to realise the special meaning behind random hugs – they have a value that can not be measured in dollars or cents.  The value of them is in the determination it give me to live and fight on.  One day they will hopefully read this and understand how much they really helped their old man through this.

I was also thinking a lot about how everyday is ground hog day when it comes to dealing with my cancer – same pains, same feelings, occasionally I’m lucky and have a good day.  But also how it bugs me everyday is a fight just to live a bit more.  I have faced some hard things in life, but this illness has to rate as the biggest challenge and task I have had to take on.  Did you know that 51 people a day get diagnosed with cancer and 22 per day die from it – this is just in New Zealand alone.  So chances are you will know someone that has cancer – if you think not then by just reading this blog about me, then you now know of at least one.  I am starting to get myself in the right mental place to be able to deal with my next round of Chemo next week.  I do a lot of reading about the tumours I have, even though there is very little published about them, and most of it is repetition, and about the drugs I am on, as knowledge is power, and I also see it as a way to be able to battle against these things by using the old analogy of knowing your enemy.  Here is a good source of info – http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/PhysicalSideEffects/ChemotherapyEffects/chemo-brain – it is a link to the bit about Chemo brain which I mentioned the orher day.  As for the dark places, sorry but I won’t be writing about them.

Drag myself up about 6:30 and head downstairs to do a weights session.  Take my meds first, and even though I’m hurting all over, I manage to do a 20 min session.  Feel great for doing it, but soon start hurting again once I cool down.  It is like if I warm up the joints, then I’m fine but when I stop they seize up again.  Have a liquid breakfast as I feel lousy in the tum.  Even though this should be my “good” week in terms of pain, nausea, etc. I think it isn’t going to pan out that way.  Last week was, so far this round, my good week so to speak.  Get ready then to face the day.  Working at home again, as there are 2 lazy bums in bed still.  A good teenage trait developing by the boys.  Nice to hear laughter coming from teir rooms – they are playing games on their cellphones against each other.

The lads finally drag themselves out of bed about 10 only because they’re hungry! Even then they wanted to know if I would bring them breakfast in bed – cheeky toads!!!  Steady day working.  The boys scooter and I walk into work – so my walk for the day is done – 7.2kms. Have another liquid meal for lunch – not to bad this one – tastes metallic to me but is so far the best one I’ve tried. Sue picks us up about 1:15pm and we head around to Re:Start mall for a look and a coffee.  Then head home.

Have a quiet arvo.  Login to work again and do some more, before calling it quits – fatigue has suddenly caught me – haven’t had that happen for about a week.  Have a liquid dinner – a different flavour this time, then do the blog.  Do the ironing, and then have a quiet evening then watching tv (well staring aimlessly at it).  Really hurting tonight!!  Got to time my drugs to make sure that I can get the maximum effect from them particularly before I go to bed.  The electric blanket on 3 works wonders so opt for that and I don’t risk dozing off and dropping my book or my tablet into the water.  Hope that all have had a wonderful day/arvo/evening, and are not to stressed or tired, espcially as it is only Tuesday.  Take care and keep cool till after school.

Kia Kaha.