3 Too Many

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” – Andy Warhol

6am and the alarm goes, thankful actually as it’s been a restless sleep with my mind going into dark places again, and inducing tears again on waking.  Also sore, so can’t find a comfortable sleeping spot.  I kept thinking about writing letters to the boys for them to read in later years. It’s something I’m going to do, so the boys get it from me about who I really am, as while they are of an age that they will remember me, there are things that they won’t really understand until they are older and wiser.  Just got to think about how to start it.  I guess it just really hammered home the reality of what’s happening to me and therefore was playing on my mind.  I guess this is one of my bucket list jobs (not that I have one) and have to confront it.  Sure there is a lot of people that can tell the boys about who I was to/with them, but I want them to know the real me from the horses mouth, so to speak.

No gym this morning as walking to and from work today, (as Sue is in court all day), so figure that is enough of a workout for me.  Get ready for work and head into the office.  Lachlan is about to head to school too so we walk/scooter together.  It was really nice actually, to have a half hour to ourselves just chatting about all-sorts of stuff.  Puts me in a good pl;ace for the day really.  Drop Lachlan at school then keep on the trail to the office.  Lovely morning for walking, just the right temp and not windy.  Get to the office and my happy colleagues.  Have a good day at work – the day seems to fly by.  Go down to the cafe at 1pm as John Key is here to officially open the new Press House.  Formalities are done, and I hit the road for home as need to get home by 3pm for the boys.  Feeling a bit sore on it, so pain killer up before leaving.

Make it home again, without breaking down this time – Yay!!!  Have managed to walk 15.5Km today – not a bad effort if I say so myself.  Login to work again, and try to keep going.  Unfortunately body pains are getting hold of me and making it hard to concentrate, and I am having quite a few tremors.  The price you pay for exercise.  Also the head has been hurting on and off again today.  Based on past timings between Chemo, this is about where I start to take a drop again with the ‘hangover’ as I call it from the Chemo.  I am dur to start the next round in 10 days time.  They now seem to be coming around very quickly, which is good but also a bit scary as each one is a notch closer to them ending.  And when they end – well the Doctors haven’t told me what happens then apart from treatment is finished.  Hhhmmm – understand why I get down/sad some days?  It is these unknown bits that we want some answers or guidance too.  It is like trying to get an idea of when I do start to deteriorate, what is to be possibly expected – seizures, general health down turn, more body pain, etc.  We know that they can’t provide clear answers, but a general well maybe this or that would help.  Have also had some more of the world sideways slipping happen to me, so are wondering if this is tumour related.  Also had someone say get well to me the other day too – I wish I answered, and got a horrified blank look back.  Just so we are clear on this, I will not be getting well from what I have, but it also begs the question – what do you actually say to a terminal person?  Just food for thought.  It doesn’t worry me really, as I have a smile and a laugh about it.

Off to a St. Thomas’s fundraiser for an Old Boys son whom has cancer.  The school is doing a Variety concert, and Jacob has been helping with the setup of it so wants to go too.  Rowdy stops by for a quick catch up – good to see you man. Have a simple dinner.  I have been following the advice from the Dietitian yesterday of eating little and often.  It seems to be working, though didn’t have breakfast today as felt lousy.  Had one of the terrible liquid meal drinks for lunch – hold the nose and drink quickly.

Variety show is fantastic.  A hell of a lot of fun and laughs.  Jacob makes an appearance in the show too.  And in tradition of St. Jocks, the leavers do the last act, with half dressing in dresses, and singing Taylor Swifts – Never, Ever.  Absolutely hilarious.  Have a moment thinking how in 5 years time that’ll be Jacob and his mates.  Home to M&D time and bed.  Hopefully a restful sleep and not to sore.  Trust all have had a wonderful fun Thursday.  Till tomorrow, take care.

Kia Kaha.