3 Too Many

“When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.” – Unknown

Good sleep, but strange start to it.  The tears were back.  No reason why just felt a bit down and sad last night when I went to bed.  Woke up at 6am and was going to get up to go down to the gym, but was sore so decided to miss it today.  No point trying to break myself completely.  Lay there thinking about life and everything.  No change in the feelings from when I went to sleep.  Will have to think more about why I am feeling like this.  Get up and have no brekkie as feeling too nauseous.

Head off to work and to see my happy colleagues.  Have a good day and head off about 1pm as have an appointment at the Hospital with the Dietitian.  The appointment goes well and I get given some liquid meals to try for when I am having the bad nausea days.  Also discuss an eating plan, but in simple terms I am to eat little and often.  In terms of the food eating pyramid, I have to basically flip it over so I get the correct sort of diet and don’t fade away completely.  Yay – free run to eat what I want.  Bugger I don’t actually feel like eating anything!  Oh well, I will try the liquid meals and see if they taste alright, but with my taste buds as they are I don’t fancy the chances of choosing a new favourite dish

Been thinking about things, and the feeling sad at the moment bit is probably just the emotions of the way life is at the moment coming through.  See I have really been feeling good physically, apart from Monday’s scare with the pain onset. Starting to look better – lost the round face mostly, and the extra weight.  But you see while I have these good things happening, on the outside, there are still some bad things happening on the inside, emotionally and mentally.  Don’t panic or worry though, as I am fine, I am just putting it out there about how I am on the inside. It is not something I do easily or would have previously actually mentioned.  But to keep the blog on the lines of letting people know what the journey is like.  It is not easy and where I am at, at the moment is that I have to take and assess each day as it goes. It makes planning things harder.  It also makes the day difficult, as you are feeling great then the head or the body aches.  You then get tired of living by the clock and the meds – 7am these drugs, 8am this one, 11:30am this one, 7pm these ones, etc.  Then add the Chemo regime on top of this, and then the side effects.  And to make it worse I am weaning off the steroids again so heads going to start hurting more, and body will ache more, and I now think that the sadness feelings are also attributed to coming off these.  But it is just random – tears, not proper crying.  Just tears. Was a couple of times at work too, where they almost got away on me.  Not that it would matter, but just not willing to let it show – sorry guys.  Anyhow, just letting you know whats going on.  Actually I think I am entitled to have some down days, after all I think it could almost be expected really.

Get home then and do some more work.  Get the fire lit – bloody cold this arvo.  Have dinner and do the blog.  Pretty stock standard day/evening really.  Going to hit the sack early tonight to try to get rid of the pains and tremors that are having a good time with me today.  Hope all have had a great day.  M&D time – yes Milo is back on the menu, for now.  Then bed. Rest well and have a wonderful day.

Kia Kaha.