3 Too Many

“Self-worth is not measured by accolades, but by being able to look in the mirror and smile.”

Oh sleep where were you! Managed to doze off about 1am to then have a very broken sleep until 5am. I am having the grip of the Chemo get a hold of me sooner this time.  I appreciate what it is doing to help me but really I seem to be paying more this time round in terms of sleeplessness, pain, nausea feeling, etc.  I’m just generally restless really.  I won’t complain too much about the nausea though as the new ‘extra’ drugs are helping to suppress it. Swear that when they do the next blood test they will not get any blood out, just a powder from all the pills I’m a taking (27 per day at the moment)   It’s going to be a lonnnngggg day.  Drag my sorry butt downstairs to get my morning fix of meds – a couple of pain killers, three anti-nausea, a stomach protector, and an anti pneumonia pill.  Who needs breakfast with that lot?  Make a cup of tea then get ready for work. Not in the most brilliant head space today – just feeling really flat, drained and lonely. It’s ok though as I’ll just get on with it.

How many of you did what I asked yesterday too?  Did you stop and put yourself mentally in the position of having a countdown timer on your life started?  Just curious as further to that little exercise I want you to now think about how do you tell people? In person? Email? Text even? Who do you tell first? Relative?  Close friends? What friends do you think will be there for you? Close ones?  Old ones? New ones? How do you reach out to people for help? Do you ask? Or just turn up and let it out? One thing I’ve noticed through my experience is that other people sometimes have a harder time dealing with the diagnosis than I do. The people who you expect to be there for you pull away, but the good bit is that new friends come out of the wings to stand beside you and offer that support you need. All that is needed some days is a simple kind word, a hug (I know, he who hates them has learnt to suck it up a bit), or an ear to listen to what is going on in your head and body, as you have become a fighter in a un-surviorable battle.  There will only be one winner but the enemy is going to as sure as hell have to fight hard to beat me.  But please try to empathise with what’s going on, as there will be the next bit of this task tomorrow.

Off to work, and a steady day in the office.  Manage to close a couple of calls and get on with data gathering for Aaron.  Even manage to have a small lunch as something of an appetite is there.  Head off then for home, and not too soon, as starting to fade physically.  The mental space hasn’t improved either bugger it.  Nutty is waiting at home when we get there, as she’s stopped by for a cuppa.  I login to work, then have a wee lay down in the sun in the bay window.  Sure enough it does its thing and I’m out like a light.  Manage to have about a 30 min nap before Jacob bursts in and wakes me up.  Don’t actually feel any better for the nap either. 

Get back into doing some work and trying to stay awake.  I think the missing sleep has found me, and is doing it’s best to take me down again.  Fight it off and manage to keep going with work.  Nearly dinner time, so med up more.

Dinner done, dishes done, boys scrubbed and ready for bed.  Sit down after dinner and doze off again! Get woken by the smell of fresh baking – not fair!  I can’t eat after 7:30 because of the Chemo. I do the blog and watch tv for a bit.  Doing the countdown again to taking the Chemo.  Really has my life now sunken into this much of a routine low that a highlight of the day is taking my Chemo.  Still feeling down a bit too.  I guess feeling lousy it is easy for the down side to be dominant.  Not really find lots to smile about.  But tomorrow will be different, in fact I have to be a happy camper, as it is Jacobs 13th Birthday, so a big milestone for him.  My goodness time has flown.  My wee man will be a snotty nosed, know it all teenager – just like his Dad – well minus the teenager bit, then again I guess there are somethings that you maybe don’t grow out of.  After all growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional!

Do M&D time and then head to bed to read a wee bit before jokingly trying to get to sleep.  Please let me rest tonight Mr Sandman!  Have a fantastic day/arvo/evening all.  Catch ya on the flip side.

Kia Kaha.