Sunday 2 September Ramble
September 2, 2012 — Headless“It is not more than you can handle. It is merely more than you thought you could.” – Laura Breckenridge
Solid sleep, but I guess been tired beyond belief does that to you. Only one way though to describe my first waking thought – ouch!!! I thought that I had hurt before but this really takes the cake. Yep, yesterdays effort has got a hold of me. Lay there willing myself to get up but it just isn’t going to happen, The boys come in to say morning and Happy Fathers Day. Nice. Jacob makes me a cup of tea – all I want for breakfast. Then Lachie and Jacob bring me a card and pressies – yay. I get a family portrait that was taken just after I was diagnosed, some Milk Bottle lollies, and a box of the microwave popcorn (it is really the only thing I can stomach even when really nauseous). Perfect gifts guys! Finally will myself out of bed, and get my meds into me. Actually it is not hurting half as much once I’m up.
Yet another day that is playing hard on the emotions too. I know I should not weigh or measure it as anything could happen to anyone of us that will mean it is our last. But as I have said before, when you have life’s countdown timer started against you, with an unknown end time, you can’t help but get a little emotional or sad about things. In the same way that I will remember yesterday for the great time with the boys, I will also remember today for how special they have made me feel. The difference is with today is I’m hoping and bloody determined that it is not my last Fathers Day. I think that I have shed enough tears on each ‘special’ day that I would have by now run dry or learnt to control them. It is hard though not to let emotions come through and as I’ve also said it is better to let the tears out than trying to bottle them up. But is not only for missing the boys but also missing my own Father. You wonder how many more cards will I get to give him, how many more cups of tea will the boys bring me, etc. Damn it even writing about this is reducing me to tears. Bugger it! Tomorrow is another day and I will be fine, as I will start getting myself ready mentally for the next round of Chemo starting on Monday week.
Get washing on as meant to be warm today. Then get ready to go out as Rose is picking us up to go to lunch then to see Nevil in hospital. Go to lunch at the Pedal Pusher in Addington. Very nice food and bar. Then head to Southern Cross to see Nevil. Have a yarn for a bit before heading off for home again. Had a lovely lunchtime – thanks Rose. Keep up the speedy recovery too Nevil.
Home again to do more washing and other domestic bits. Feeling quite good considering how I felt first things this morning. Head off then to meet Craig and the boys at Harringtons for dinner. Have a fat chat and not really much to eat as the tum is not playing ball with wanting to eat. Head off home then to get the boys to bed and finish sorting the washing out, and iron Jacobs uniform for the week. Then blog it, M&D time and bed for some reading I think. Hope all have had a great day and enjoyable weekend.
Kia Kaha.
September 3, 2012 at 8:03 pm
Hi Tony
Hope youve had a better day today, spend fathers day in bed (Flu)so you did better than me by getting up an about, poor Phil had to make his own breakfast, kids were in la la land to, very lazy day here. take care Shona
September 3, 2012 at 9:58 am
Keep on blogging Tony – it is required reading for Pip and me every day. Glad to hear that you had a special Father’s Day too.
September 2, 2012 at 10:01 pm
Happy Fathers Day! Sounds like you had a wonderful, special day – got spoilt & looked after! Lucky! My husband has a lovely day also, the boys were extra attentive to his every whim and we took him out for lunch to our special restaurant!!
Gosh you must be completely shagged after your wonderful day Sat! It’s just a shame you are paying for it today! This is also normal and routine – like you, if I have a ‘big’ day of being super busy, out and about, running with children, gardening etc etc the next day I am just a mess! Extremely achy, sore, need extra methadone (which now doesn’t take away that achy pain, just makes me sleepy and high LOL) (morphine never has worked for me, so After weeks of trying every pain med under the sun, we finally found that Methadone worked!). Now I know to be prepared to have a crap day after a awesome one and take extra meds that night & get my heat pack too!! This will become the new normal!
I get told by people “well, I could walk out the door and get hit by a car” – yes, I also could, but I KNOW that this cancer is going to kill me first! I live by a time frame now, day by day not knowing when the shit is going to hit the fan! People dont quite understand how badly this plays in your mind! I think about it constantly, it’s always there – even if i physically try not to think about it – you can’t not! You forever wonder if this will be the last time I get to do this, see this person, speak to that person, write this card, have this special day, make this special moment….. It’s bloody hard to deal with and I too am an emotional wreck some days – some days I just have a ‘down day’ and cry most of that day – next day will be ok again! It also is my new normal pattern! Don’t let anybody tell you that you shouldn’t feel this way, or ‘don’t be silly/stupid’ etc – it’s perfectly normal behavior for a person with a terminal illness! To quote you, do not comment unless you have walked a day in my shoes! As much as the people you love try to understand, you just can’t! Just as we can’t totally understand how our loved ones are feeling because we are not in their position either!
Gosh, enough blubbering Sarah! It’s a special Happy Day!!! I hope you make the most of the rest of your fathers day – and I hope Sue got home safely from her trip away!!
God bless your lovely family,
Sarah xox