3 Too Many

As promised, I’ve had a bad sleep, and said that I’d just let the crap flow out if I had a night like that again.  So here it is – short and sweet. I say it is dribble from the shead cause it is dribble from my shitty head, hence shed. Also when I say bad sleep, I went to sleep for a whole 2-3 hours. Then awake. Not a restless turnover waking.  We’re talking awake get up the brains in top gear so should the body. It’s 3am! What’s in the noggin at this time? Scones! My mind is processing making cheese scones. Just so you’re clear to, when I say processing it is working out everything and I can visualize it to the finest degree. I manage to put the scones aside, so to speak, and get more sleep.

4:10 – awake again. This time head hurting. Very deep pain – oh oh. This is usually a bad sign that the brain is going to have a hurting day. Moved on from scones too. I’m now thinking about life and how much has changed in 5 months.  not just for me but for everyone I know. It saddens me to think of the negative impact I’m having on others lives. I know some people will say that it’s the opposite – and I thank those of you in advance for saying that. But in reality I feel different. I feel robbed of so many things – a future, the ability to make any life plans, getting to see the boys grow into men, growing old, etc. Then again I’m not the only person with a terminal illness so I can’t wallow in self-pity.  There are children that are facing the same, but at least I’ve had 45 years of life experience. If anything, I would say that seeing a child endure a fight and how they, with maturity beyond their years, just fight on bravely, generally not complaining.  This empowers me with hope for myself, in that if they can do it then why can’t I?  Back to sleep.

5:00 – head hurting too much now. Must get high strength pain killers on board. Body aching all over too. Shuffle downstairs, make a cuppa tea and take my breakfast drug cocktail. Back to bed then and write this up while waiting on drugs to work. Best time of the day I reckon. The world is so peaceful at this hour. Brain, even though hurting, is still processing. This time it is thinking about the Doc visit yesterday.  She was impressed at how the initial symptoms I first saw her with in March had all but disappeared.  She even commented on the notes that the hospital had sent through saying that through my mental attitude and determination to fight this has made the treatment delivered so far to be classed as successful. So for all those times of being called a stubborn shit, I guess it’s times like this that it comes in handy especially when you’re as well-practiced as I am   I guess why I was thinking about this is because I feel as if I’m on the edge of falling into dark sad places again, and my logical self is trying to save my emotional self by remembering the positives and reinforcing them. Head still hurting by the way. It seems to be working a bit as feel not so down but more just flat. At least energy today feels better than yesterday too – so another positive. Thinking too about what I can do to improve the memory, as forgetting more now, especially shorter term stuff. To the point I am forgetting whole words and sometimes sentences.  I couple of people have noticed this already so it must be getting worse. So if I get stuck then just a little prompt please.  It is just another mark it things happening and will get worse, but I’m trying to fight it as long as possible. See I’m a firm believer that while these mofos are doing their things like making Wilson mis-behave, slur speech and forget stuff, if I work hard enough then the brain will find a way to rewire (for want of a better term) a path to enable me to keep going. I’ve managed to do it with Wilson a couple of times.  The only thing is this time it is a lot harder to do.

6:30 – enough typing dribble.  It’s time to get up, put on the glad rags and wander off to the office.

Hope this is a little insight to an average nights ‘rest’.  There is far more going on to than what I’ve put here.  Just some of it is not suitable for a public forum or I just don’t want to share.

Have a fantastic fun Friday all. Thinking of you all.

Kia Kaha.