3 Too Many

“My stubborn mind will beat this failing body!!! If it’s the last thing I do.” – Antony Edmonds

Howdy readers.  Another day, another crappy sleep behind me and feeling lousy as.  Sick of this going to sleep to then wake soon after then get to lay there ceiling staring for the next couple of hours till I finally fall asleep again.  Only for it to repeat again.  Oh well I could always count it as bonus time really as not sleeping time away. Get up at 6:45 to have my drug brekky – I find it sad that my life now evolves around a plastic box of drugs – is this what I’m really reduced to?  I then race through a bowl of corn flakes while the taste buds are still asleep and not making their metallic taste and the tum hasn’t realise that it is going to feel nauseous. Heading into the office today regardless of how I’m going as need company, and don’t want to be home. 

Get into work – nice to be there.  Manage to do a longer day and leave at 3:15.  Then head home.  Decide to walk the 5.6km to home as it is away of keeping fit and even though I am drained as it is a good way of getting over the fatigue.  Have cramp in my feet for most of the trip – do you know how much that hurts walking for an hour odd with your toes curled up?  Lets just say – ouch and be done with that!  Hence where I got todays saying from – as my mind is stubborn enough to make the body keep moving, even though the body is actually telling me to stop and rest.  Get home in just over an hour, which given how sore and stuffed I am I don’t think is too bad.  Also the walk gives me plenty of time to think about things. 

What I have been thinking about last night and today is this.  I have heard from a person that also has terminal cancer, and I have been thinking about what I have found along this journey to be helpful in dealing with everything.  I know I have said that it is very much a process of learning as there is no book that fits all and one.  But if I could say that the biggest thing that has helped is strength – mental and physical.  If you are mentally strong then you can face your journey with realism.  The more physically fit you are then the stronger you will be through treatment and it helps your recovery.  I know that different treatments affect each individual differently so it is easy to say stay fit and you’ll be fine.  I was fit, and are bloody determined to get back to where I was 5 months ago, but it has been a struggle each day to work on.  I have had to learn to accept that days like yesterday are down days and trying to do anything is going to be hard – very hard some days. But treat the days energy supply as if it is a bucket, and you know that you have to take a cup full-out each time you want to do something, therefore plan ahead if you can, sit down when needed and nap if it helps, but always try to keep moving if you can.  I am finding that even on draining days if I make myself do something – like today walking home – it invigorates you to be able to do more.  Mental strength means that you will face what is thrown at you, and there is a bit during the journey, with the courage that you are called to draw on almost everyday.  When talking to people, it is sometimes harder for them to hear you talk so freely about your illness, also be honest in answering everyone – including children – this can be the hardest part, but they are resilient and small bits of information they can process goes a long way for their understanding.  Keep it honest though is the biggest part.  As hard as it can be, it must be always honest.  Hope this little bit helps in some way and no doubt I will ramble on some more about it and other things but this has to be what I have now found – thanks to guidance and suggestions from friends, family and professionals. 

Off to Pam and Karl’s for dinner with them and Rose, Nevil and Jenny.  Nice to catch up with all and a very yummy dinner thanks.  Lovely relaxing evening.  Head home so the lads can get their beauty sleep and be fresh for school.  Sit down then to blog – and have a tantrum at the stupid bloody laptop – arrrhh.  It is doing strange things and provoking a wave of nasty words to flow from my mouth.  See – even IT folk have computer issues!!!  Standard fix done – reboot the computer – yes turned it off and on 3 times   Right – M&D time now, and time to head to bed for a rest –  haha I say that loosely as the way I’m feeling it’s going to be a long night.  Wilson has had his moments today which has worn me down a bit – walking home he wouldn’t even carry my jacket for me – in fact he rudely dropped it 4 times.  Might have to teach it some manners I feel with bad behaviour like that!  Right enough for today. Foggy brain coming on as pain killers getting to work.  Take care and have a brilliant day/evening/arvo where ever you are getting to read this from.  Till the morrow.

Kia Kaha.