3 Too Many

“You can’t fight for a place in someone’s life because no matter how hard you try to keep your place they’ll put you where they want to even if it’s not where you should be.” – Unknown

“When you get a little, you want more.  When you get more, you desire even more. But when you lose everything, you realise little was enough.” – Unknown

Double quote day folks.  I like these 2 – not that they are really relevant to today’s activity, but just I like them and hope you do too. Fairly solid sleep, but would have preferred a sleep in – unfortunately body aches and head pains – thanks mofo’s – don’t allow such activity.  Up and dose up for the day.  I thought that overdoing it yesterday would pay the price today with energy, etc.  Seems to be right   The old brain has been at its best overnight too, and I have made a couple of notes this time so I can expand on what the grey matter has churned on.

It was probably started after talking with Tex & Jules last night, which is fine as obviously my subconscious thinks that I need to deal with it more. I was processing more ‘dark places’ – now for clarity when I use this term it is used in the sense that it is generally death related, or future happenings of what is to come in terms of my health, and more importantly what is going to happen with you and others once I’m gone.  Or to use a line from the film A Good Death,  “I mean we talk about the journey of life … Well what about the journey of death?”  How true. Sorry to be blunt but it is going to happen, and is my/our reality, and I have accepted and deal with it.  But instead of so much getting held in the dark places this time, I feel I have found some light in it all and can get myself away from been held there like I was several weeks ago.  There are times when it still hits you about what is happening – I don’t need the constant reminders of it to make me know that.  But days like today where the energy is wavering – even the new ploy of dealing out the energy levels hour by hour are as struggle to do.  And emotions riding high, make random teary sessions a reality – especially as I have time to process things as cleaning out the garage.  I have I feel now gone from feeling I am dying from brain tumours to living with brain tumours.  And from this I now have to make the most of the living I have left to be able to continue to be me.  Not a manifestation of the old me – but the new me – defining my life with cancer not letting it define me.  It takes some work and I am learning myself so please excuse me if I get it wrong sometimes.  Made a new plan too that I’m going to start biking either to or from work, building up to both.  Obviously on good days, but that means I can do more hours and also keep up my fitness.  Plus they haven’t said I could bike – yet!  Actually I’ll probably be a bigger hazard on a bike than in a car.  Celebrated having my driver’s licence for 30 years on Friday – scary eh, to think I’ve driven a car for two-thirds of my life.  Even scarier is to think I was 2 years older than Jacob now when I got my licence and getting around in an XY Falcon – man that lad better grow up a bit more before I’ll let him behind the wheel.

Quiet day ahead planned. Need to get in the garage to try to clear it out, as I have a load of crap in there that I need to purge, cause I’m not going to ever use it in the future.  Do Saturday’s blog then Have brekky then shuffle off to the garage.  Have a bit of a fun time in there really as find some old photo’s and letters, leaving cards, etc going back to the early 90’s.  Have to keep stopping though as feel I’m going to flake out! Finally give up about 4:15 and come in to start todays blog before I forget what I was going to do, and also it is great therapy too.

Off to cook a Green Curry for dinner (I can taste them so bugger the rest if they want it or not).  Then quiet evening resting so I don’t spiral downhill tomorrow.  Curry was awesome – if I say so myself and enough for lunch tomorrow.  Dishes all done and head hurting now so signing off blog early (also means you can all have an early night, so you’re fresh and ready to face the week ahead.  M&D time later then to bed with the intention to shut the brain down.  Might do a bit more reading as that seems to work – well sometimes.  Take care all see ya on the flip side.

Kia Kaha.