3 Too Many

“I will live my life today with what energy I possess now, and not submit to how my health shall try to force me to live too soon” – Antony Edmonds

Crap sleep Only way to describe it.  Woke more times than I care to note even.  It’s like the evil combinations of pain and aches that the body can devise.  Bloody cramps are also back for a visit – esp. cramp in the sole of my feet.  Should have just got up really.  Well only do to take pain killers.  Brain is also whirring by.  Thankfully on a steroid decrease at the moment so that should subside – I hope.  Going to give in tonight and take a sleeping pill as I can’t take this lack of sleep, etc.  I need a night of full coma’ed sleep!!

Thankfully the emotions of yesterday have settled down and are rightly back in their little box!   They can wait until next year to try resurfacing again thanks.  But really I know and accept that each event involving someone close is going to be hard emotionally as you really do ask yourself, how many more?  It is not a morbid or fearful or unrealistic thing to do.  I just putting it out there, that when you face the reality of a terminal notice, these things are in the back of your mind, constantly, and while you do the best to suppress them (wrongly or rightly) it is real.  I am only going to see a finite number more of them.  The more the merrier I say, but we will see what happens, eh.  Also thank you for the kind words everyone yesterday – they helped and are a wonderful support.  Meant to say too, did anyone see Close Up last night, and the piece on A Good Death?  About planning your care near the end?  Very interesting.  Going to look into it more.  And no I’m not been morbid again either – just real.  Its going to happen and I want my bloody ducks in their correct rows, so take an interest in these things.  Just asking a question too.

On with the day, no gym today as 2 days on 1 off routine till I’m back to full strength.  Off to the office again.  Feeling as nauseous as ever, so guess the Chemo hangover has kicked in now.  It took about 4 days last time before it really did it’s thing, so am probably about to suffer through the next 2 weeks, then bounce back for a few days before the fun starts again.  I have a plan not to end up in hospital this round and will do my absolute best to keep away from there.  We head out to lunch at the cafe under the SHBC tower – force myself to have a very nice Bacon and Egg Bap, and excellent company with my colleagues – thanks guys.  Been to long since lunches / brekkies.  Get back to work and my ride arrives.  Go and collect Jacob and Brad before heading home to rest a bit as starting to fall in energy levels. 

Sue heads off to Wendy’s for Friday arvo’s and the boys stay home with me.  Jacob and Brad go to hire a PS3 game.  I take it easy pottering around the place been a pain and barking at the kids – my speciality   Send the lads for F&C for tea then kick them off the PS3 so I can watch crap TV.  Not much else to report really.  A quiet night feeling sick and drained.  Fall asleep watching TV as knackered.  So M&D time with extras then bed to – I hope – sleep!!!

Kia Kaha.