3 Too Many

“This dying urge to live is killing me!” – Antony Edmonds

There you go an original by me that sums up today.  If this is what the urge to fight to stay alive is like then god help me when the real end game comes calling.  Broken crappy sleep so not a good start.  But the boys bring some cheer about 9:15 and deliver brekky in bed – a bacon and egg toasted muffin and cups tea – just like MacDonald’s make. Lachie brings me my side order of drugs so I can eat.  Not to bad actually – thanks guys.  Do a bit of reading then write-up Saturday’s blog.  Feel exhausted after it – yep in for one of those days – pain, and sick feeling to the top and just fatigued.  Turn over and go back to sleep then until about 12:30.  Nothing on today, peeing with rain and cool so good day to not feel guilty about doing diddly squat.  Have more drugs and then eat lunch – cheese puffs – yum thanks Sue.

Sit down and watch a program about euthanasia – I’m not going into my opinions on it ro starting any debate about it, but there is some very strong arguments for and against.  The surprising things was that Lachie and I had a good chat about it as he had some very good questions.  Wise heads are sometimes on young shoulders.  He was also very frank about comparing what’s happening and going to happen with me and how the fitted in with the program.  He is all good about it and happy cause he understands.  Got to keep it real, cause it is, and can’t lie to him.  He asked questions, I answered honestly.  One thing that the boys process is the acceptance that death is like birth – it happens to us all – and there are different emotions attached to it but at the end of the day it is the same for everyone.  Sarah, Rowdy and kids stop by for a visit.  Very nice surprise.  Thanks for the treats   and company.  Nice to catch up.  I’m sure Gabbie’s dinner was awesome too.

I was guessing that today is a good one to do a bit of a prattle about what has been going through my head the past few nights – and it might mean that if I manage to put it in writing then it might stop getting processed at night.  But I have now spent the past 2-3 hours trying to put something meaningful and more over sensible to words but just can’t get what I want out.  With the result of the MRI on Friday,as I said, it is good news but I still don’t for some reason feel ecstatic like I probably should.  Strange eh?  All I can think of is that, yes the treatment is working, so keep focusing on the battle ahead as it is paying off.  But then in the back of my mind is the fact that these mofo’s are still there, ticking away – all be it more slowly now – and each treatment is one less to face, but also one more towards the end of the treatments.  The plan with the treatment all along is only to buy some extension of life and balance it with quality.  So based on this plan, that means the next 7 months of Chemo hell will be balanced at the end with some sort of quality and extra time.  This still takes a bit to get my head around as it is now 5 months down since I found out what was going on – 5 very long months, that are now seeming to rocket along faster than ever.  I don’t want time getting any faster at the moment – I mean I still have a few things left to cover off yet.  And no I still don’t have a bucket list – just things to do, people to see list.  We will just see how the fight with the stronger treatment works out really as it used to take a couple of days before it kicked in like this, where as now it is also immediately so by Wednesday I’ll be a lovely mess   Oh well – I can take it, I know I can.  Hopefully this helps to make sense of the saying – where the dying urge I have to stay alive by taking the Chemo actually makes you feel like it is killing you – nausea, pain, aches, & fatigue.  Still I shut up about this as there is far worse chemo routines that knock you harder so I take what I’m dealt.

A quiet evening – dinner, then starve until 9:30 for first drugs, then 10:30 for the new M&D time, then 11 for the next lot. Then bed – hopefully for a quiet night not a shitty restless one.  Hope all have had an enjoyable day/evening/arvo and fun Sunday.  Take care.

Kia Kaha.