3 Too Many

Day 19 of 23 treatment free.  I think I will stop putting this in as while it is 19 days of treatment free, it is probably in truth the worse time of the treatment process. While I’m taking the Chemo it takes a couple of days usually to start its real kicking in and make you know that it is doing something, but a week later you still pay the price, then 2 weeks, then about 5 days out from starting it again you have a bounce back to normal day (mine was yesterday) then, probably of my own doing by trying to enjoy yesterday too much and do a lot, crash back to reality today.  If this is what the intention of the Chemo is to do – give an extension of some sort while balancing some quality then I do need to think about it.  1 or 3 good days in every 28 is a bit of a shitty outlook really.  They’ll probably have more drugs they can throw at me to ‘get me over this’ – love the medical fraternity – here have this drug to counter this one.  I think I have popped more drugs into me in the past 5 months than in my whole bloody life!  Is it any wonder I feel a little messed up occasionally. 

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well there’s the crap from the head this morning!  Yes I over did it yesterday – but I had fun – well most of the day anyway.  Got woken by the bloody building getting blown up in town – noisy bastards – 8am.  Not in a good mood either.  Could just stay in bed all day and let the world pass me by.  Eventually get up about 10:30 when everyone else has left.  Have my steroid and pain-killer pill breakfast as stomach is saying a definite no to food – I’ll wither away to nothing very soon – on the fast downhill now to 87kgs! Interesting battle goes on as steroids want to make me eat but the nausea is definitely saying no.  Finish off doing the washing then sit down to rattle out my life’s tale for today.  That way at least there will be something down for later on if I don’t get around to finishing it.  Head is sore still and attitude is winding up – love it – not.  Days like this I just want to go away somewhere and scream! Not because of what’s happening, more cause I feel trapped.  Trapped by these 3 mofo’s and what they have taken from me already and more so what they take each day – a little bit more of me physically, a little more mentally, and a lot more fight.  On the positive side I have found such a wonderful supportive group and learned who my friends really are.  Unfortunately there is a downside – you also see those that for their own reasons, only have their own interests at heart and so to probably protect themselves from any effect of what I am going through have distanced themselves and forged on with their way.  I understand this but it is incredibly hard sometimes.

Sue and Lachie turn up home with a new wood basket so get it loaded up and the fire setup for tonight.  One thing that is becoming more frustrating is the tremors in my hands.  If it is not been able to grab a page to turn it on a book or even to just bloody separate the pages of the paper for place it in the fire.  And if you try to hold the page steady with the other hand then its double jeopardy as the hands tremble at different rates so it makes it hell.  Usually I have a laugh about it, but not today.  The left eye is also getting worse – blurry and fuzzy around the edges. Anyhow, I digress.  Fire set after the fun of the shakes. Reheated chinese for lunch – doesn’t go down very well, but it is food.  Quiet arvo doing nothing really.  Played Lachie & Sue in foosball and dozed on the couch. No energy today either – ahh – trapped inside myself again – grr!

Jacob gets home from the party day – he’s had a good time.  Quiet evening – well once Jacob goes to bed it is!  Just watch TV and finish blog. Going to head to bed early as head still bloody hurting – well actually I’ll start saying when it’s not as it will be shorter and sweeter – as everyday it hurts.  Guess there isn’t that much vacant space in the old noggin as what I thought.  I’m alright though – tough enough to take the pain, as I’m used to migraines.

Have a lovely day/arvo/evening all.  Enjoy what’s left of Sunday and hope your Monday’s as good as can be.  Take care out there.

Kia Kaha.