3 Too Many

Day 14 of 23 treatment free.

“A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” – Unknown

Wake at 4:30 and drift on and off.  Thinking about how it’s now 4 months since I was given the verdict on my life.  I can still see and hear it all as clear as day.  The worse bit was then to come. How do you tell people that you have cancer but not only that, it is brain cancer and it is inoperable so the countdown clock on my life has been started – just we don’t know when that final tick is going to happen.  To make it worse it is an extremely rare type – approx. 50 cases in the world reported per year.  Have to laugh really as I had better odds of winning Lotto that weekend.  And to just really top it off it’s not just 1 tumour but 3 of them.  Now that is pushing the odds out to new levels.  Sorry but I won’t let you know what the tumour types are as the info about them on the web is frighten and just not helpful for anyone.  Maybe sometime in the future I will let you know but just not now.  I know I’ve just reiterated what I’ve said elsewhere and at other times but if anything it is just a refresher for those that have joined the blog late.  Also it is something that has been on my mind more lately.  How did i find the strength to tell people – looking back I don’t really know.  Maybe it was because my fate had now been decided by a disease and I have to accept that it is where my life is heading.  New plans have to be made, career is now on hold, future is unknown, and friendships will be made, lost and tested.  For those that I’ve let down along the way I apologise, and those that I’ve seeked strength from, thank you for been there. The simplest of words is all that I some times need to get me over the daily hurdle of life.  Yes it has been tough the past 3 weeks but I feel I may be now starting to come out of the blues.  This could be because I am now starting to gear up mentally for starting my next round of Chemo on Friday week.  It sounds silly but it does take a bit to get myself ready for this esp. knowing what effect it will have on me.

Head is cracking today and pain killers are not dealing to it very well, but manage to just take the edge off enough.  Have to try the easy drugs first before hitting it with the strong stuff.  Was worried that if they didn’t work then another trip to the hospital was coming up.  Plus want to head into the office today as don’t feel like been home alone.  Jono picks me up and we head into the office.  Slow day until Jacob’s school call to say that he needs dry clothes as he is soaking wet from falling in a puddle.  Jono takes me home – as Sue was in Court and doesn’t have her cell on – to get more clothes and then to the school.  Go mad at the school for not been more helpful given I can’t drive and they were being a bunch of dicks about it.  The woman who called didn’t even listen to what I said about not been able to get there.  Took pleasure in dropping the I have 3 brain tumours line on them – left her a bit speechless – which it shouldn’t have as i did tell her on the phone.  Will follow-up with the school too as they are turkeys!  Get back to work and continue with things.  Take more medium strength drugs. Get picked up then about 2:15 and head to get the boys.  I fall asleep as the tiredness has got hold of me – bloody hate these tumours on so many levels.

Home and light the fire then start on blog as head hurting still and will have one of the magic high strength pain killers tonight.  The downside is it knocks me out so may not be able to finish this if I do have one.  Have dinner then take the magic pill.  Will let you know how it goes.  One way to describe it – comfortably numb! Well sort of as the pain is still there in the background but the vacant feeling in the head is very weird.  Still no fairies with flippers They are lower strength though than the hospital ones.  Still I think they’ll make me sleep as feeling very dopey – no smart comments either.  I was asked how my eye is today – well the blurry haze is still there but it is different to the radiation purple blob.  This effect is due to the tumours   Wilson is also starting to make an appearance again.  I will continue the fight against Wilson as much as I can. 

I will sign off now as I might get a little to random given how I am now feeling – wahoo!! Have a good evening/arvo/day where ever you are – I know I will! Take care out there.

Kia Kaha.