3 Too Many

Treatment Round 2 – Set 1 – Day 5 – Chemo only.

“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” – Orson Welles

Made it – last day of Chemo, well for the next 23 days anyway.  Feeling crappy already (and haven’t taken a single thing yet) – head has been hurting overnight and already feeling ill   Even better woke a couple of times with the random tears.  But I think I now have got to the bottom of why this happens, as when I woke I was hit with the thoughts of everything I’m going to miss.  You know, sort of bucket list in reverse – in that there is so much that I won’t get to see that I can’t control or make happen now.  Things like the boys growing older (cause when you’re a boy growing old is compulsory but growing up is optional), maybe graduating Uni, getting married, and just growing older. Of course there is all the friends and family too.  What can I do about it – nothing. I can’t be selfish and wish for anything but the best for everyone.  I guess it could be summed up as I am mourning the life I won’t get to share with others – but I haven’t really realised until now how it had been working over in my deep subconscious.  Anyhow – enough of the darkness for now.

On with the day.  Deciding whether to stay home and be miserable alone of go into the office and be miserable but at least have the company of my PortaCarers to talk too.  Decide to head in to the office as had enough of being home.  Feeling okish at the moment though not wanting to eat brekky.  Get into the office and on with work.  Struggling with body temp today as well – keep going hot and cold.  Force myself to eat something so I can take the next lot of drugs, though it is not sitting well.  Good morning at work but head off after lunch as fading quickly.  Manage to hold off having a sleep and seem to be bouncing back energy wise.  Jacob goes to footy practice, Lachie and I stay home as I’m not doing to well.

Jacob & Sue appear about 6:15 and start tea – not really feeling like eating still.  This is just getting depressing – as feeling lousy like this gets to you.  But really I have nothing to complain about as I am not doing the Chemo via IV or having to go to the hospital everyday, and really not vomiting is a bonus.  So I’ll just suck it up, adjust my attitude and get on with dealing with it.

Have dinner relax, do blog and some more research into the tumors and treatment – never can know enough.  Hang in there till M&D time then head for sleep – really need it today as struggled through nodding off most of the day.  Have a good day/evening/arvo all.

Kia Kaha.