3 Too Many

Day 20 of 28 Treatment Free.

As I was saying on Friday’s ramble – the head is not in a good place / space and when I go to bed I am not switching off again.  But this time I think it is more because of the where I feel I am with things.  I am actually – if this makes sense – missing myself, my old self that is.  I know it is a bit of a deep sort of thing to get into, or probably understand, but as I am a week before starting the next round of chemo I am back at the beginning to the edge of the unknown.  I want to stop all the drugs I have to take for “maintainance mode” you could call it – you know the anti-sizeure ones for “in case I have a seizure – haven’t had one before or after (& I know that could be argued that they are working but without one single event I don’t believe it)” & the steroids “because my brain might still be swollen, but we need to get you off them for a break before the next treatment” and the anti-pneumonia pills – well I could live with these – but all these just in case pills that cause me to fuzzy up just are really pissing me off.  See while waking in pain is normal (for me and I can take it) I am also waking feeling normal in my mind – clear thinking, clear-headed, and as close to the beginning of March aka pre this as I am probably ever going to get.  But every time I take these pills I get thrown out of ‘normal’ to a fuzzy messed up mind that makes me want to scream.  But instead it just reduces me to tears – yep Friday night I’ll admit I cried to sleep like a child as the reality of this missing of myself hit home.  You know me – who I am, living my life, doing my job, playing my footy, driving, drinking and just been ME!  Stuck between a set destiny and a messed up mind to live out the rest of my days in.  Some days really suck to say the least.  Hope this sort of makes sense to folks.

So – had a sleep in till 9am then Jacob came to see me as he is going to cook brekky in bed seen as there is no kids footy this week due to the School Holidays.  He goes off and gets busy in the kitchen.  Judging by the noise it is pancakes on the menu.  I play on the tablet a bit while having a think about things.  Lachie comes in to see me too – and has a chat.  Brekky ready – and it is Pancakes as I suspected.  Very yummy with Bacon, Bananas & Yogurt.  Left the Maple Syrup at Hoon Hay Rd – doh!  Just finish brekky when Mum turns up for a visit.  Sue and Lachie go off to collect the dog and take her for a walk.  Great to catch up with Mum – haven’t seen her for a couple of weeks.  Mum leaves just before the others arrive back.  Also get a postcard from Viv & Col – thanks – Aussie sounds warm & nice.  Take my drugs and go back to the messed up world again – much to my frustration.

Have a quick-lunch and get ready to go to the old boys footy game at Burnside.  Half jokingly say that I’ll play as miss my chance to kick something to let steam off.  No need for me as they have plenty of subs.  FC2011 only have 9 players but we make hard work of it and don’t seem to seize the chances we should.  A couple of the guys breakdown in the first half so subs dwindle.  Second half and we are up 5-1 s I kit up and get a run (well what I can now manage) for 8 minutes.  It absolutely stuff’s me and I will probably pay the price later for it – but I did it.  Home then for a shower, then down to the clubrooms for a Coke and a catch up with the other teams.

Home then for dinner and to blog – 2 days worth to catch up on. Also watch some TV too.  Feel good still for the run, but head still not there yet.  Anyway – not your problem to deal with or worry about.  Hope all have/had a great day/night/arvo and had fun.  Till tomorrow’s messed up world unravels.

Kia Kaha.