3 Too Many

Day 18 of 28 Treatment Free.

No early start today – as a late night in the end.  The brain is in overtime mode again, so sleep doesn’t come easily.  Lots going through the mind and many emotions thoughts and feelings.  Don’t know if it is just not undergoing any definitive treatment that is doing this to me – as in when I was doing Chemo & Radiation I was focused on that and had a physical link to what I am battling and whilst feeling the effects of it – it was real.  Now I am back, I feel, to where I was prior to the start of treatment.  I know in 10 days I start 6 months of heavy Chemo alone (5 days on 2 days off a week on twice the dose I was on previously) which will probably give me that physical link again.  By the same token then it also means that I then have a marked day in the future that the treatment will end and that physical link is gone again, and I am then off treatment and that’s it until?  I’m not going to stop fighting these moffo’s but I really need to have my mind-set in for the fight, which takes a bit of work and soul (I use that term lightly as I sold out my soul many years ago) searching to get in the correct game plan frame of mind.  So some days if I’m snappy, weepy or just not quite right it could be just cause I’m in a deep place readying myself for 16 July.  Eventually I drifted off about 1:30 I think.

Woke with a little pain but in terms of the past week its nothing.  Up and into the day – no point lying around getting old when the clocks ticking (suck up the black humour folks – it happens & makes me sane – well slightly. Head is in a good place and feel the best I have to start a day in several weeks really.

Login into work, get brekky and manage to catch a Priority 1 fault and get it sorted quickly then sort another problem too.  Feel quite chuffed as I have managed to remember how to do something basic that was a little fuzzy a few weeks ago.  Yay – for me!!  Actually don’t really give a fly one if anyone else sees it that way.

On with the day – and well nothing much to report really as just another rainy day with inside activities.  Boys get dropped at the movies to see The Amazing Spiderman and I have an appointment.  Then into work again – well what I can muster as I start flagging early today – tremors in hands and leg and head pain and fuzziness kicking in and out (really want to know if this is drug caused or tumors as it would be nice to know what I am in for) – disappointing after a good start to the day. 

Sue and the boys go off visiting Sandra and the boys – I stay home.  Dad stops by (thanks Dad – the comment that I have lost weight especially in my face is a wonderful morale booster), then to visit and catch up on a few things on the go at the moment.  And to have a general chat about things including how he is with whats going on.  Dad leaves just as the family return.  The boys get changed and go and kick a football around on the empty section next door – in the rain – much to the amusement of people passing.  Oh well, they fit right in really!  They come in smiling, happy and frozen – but are happy so are ordered to the shower to thaw out and clean up. Then dinner & off to bed with them as they yapped until 9:30 last night so an early night is needed.

Do dishes and then onto blog.  Want to watch Mrs Brown’s Boys tonight as it has the waxing sketch in it – absolutely hilarious!  Pretty much nothing much else on to report or say about. Still in fuzzy land, and just as it eases I will have M&D time to start it again – at least I get to sleep through that fuzzy one – well provided I can actually switch the brain off.  On a good note I finally have an appointment with the top Neuro that is advising on my case – he’s the one who oversaw (indirectly) the biopsy, & has been noting all the case as it unravels.  WIll be good to hear/speak from/to him personally.

Anyhow – take care out there what ever the day/arvo/evening brings for you all.

Kia Kaha.