3 Too Many

Day 11 of 28 Treatment Free.

Early start again today – woke with pain from lower back to head – odd and sore – so get up to take pain killers.  I thought that it was 5:50am so fossick around for a bit waiting for them to kick in as the head keeps hurting. It’s not till a bit later that I look at the clock and realise that it is only 5:30am!  Doh – need to make sure that I look at the clock better next time.  Don’t bother going back to bed as I actually don’t mind been up early as tend to get a bit done.  Jump in and clear some emails and start dong the blog – early – shock, horror – yes back to the old ways!

Have some thinking time about whats currently going on in life.  Yep crash out last week – more soon – but apparently to be expected.  Think about how everyone related to treatment has said how well I have made it through with little side effects.  It is interesting as some of the others that were on the ward with me on Saturday have done less treatment but got hit harder – that is cause each cancer type is treated with different doses of raidiation (if at all), surgery & Chemo drugs.  But what we probably agreed on most is the attitude you take into the treatment.  I think that we didn’t have the wrong attitude but agreed that it is hard to maintain a positive attitude 24/7.  You do need a kick in the bum occasionally but the right sort at the right time.  But the main thing we agreed on that was also the most frustrating one – was having someone look you and say you look tired and need to sleep or lay down.  I still have a brain – in fact I have a bigger brain (insert raspberry blowing noise here) – and know when I am tired, and when I need rest or sleep.  Push the wrong buttons and I’ll still grump or explode – I am still here / in here (my head).  But don’t decide what’s good for me or comment about me unless you are me.  As has been mentioned previously I am dealing with cancer and treatment – both of which have their own effects – as to which is doing what, I don’t really know now that it is 3 months on.  But I do know and accept now that the old me is still here but the effects are getting more visible.  The thing I need from people is to treat me as I was because I am still in here looking out at people not sure how to really deal with what’s happening.

It would be a good time to maybe throw some answers to common questions too that I have had asked recently – not many of them but some :-

• When will they scan again? – Probably End Feb/March next year, because the treatment is causing the tumors to swell, therefore a scan now would give a false reading.
• Why the steroids increase again? – The steroids are there to decrease/control the swelling on the brain caused by the treatment, but they (as we know) have side effects almost worst than what they are trying to help (esp. when on a high dose to long).
• What next? – No more radiation treatment but 6 months of Chemo at a higher dose than what I had during the 6 weeks.
• After the 6 months Chemo, then what? – Well I keep on rocking on like now (well intend too), as to what state I’ll be in, who knows – but I know that if I made it this far with little serious changes then I will be bloody well making it through the Chemo only stage as best I can.
• Why am I still working? – Really you have to ask? Routine, normality, and hell what would I do sitting at home?
• Do I ever get angry or worried or sad about whats happening? – As mentioned previously – Angry, no as I have to find a reason why – it’s happened/happening accept it – I have.  This is what my fate is I can only take the fight I have to it as it is inoperable. Worried – about what? Do we really know how we are going leave this world? Sad – actually I do, in been more about the people who think it is their right to pass comment about how I am or how I behave – look at yourself first before casting comment.  I’m not going to become some tame pansy overnight nor change how I react to the same situations – or is that what’s been expected?
• Hows the blob on the eye? – Getting better thanks. It is fading, but a new thing is it gets wavy and out of focus.

Hope this sort of answers some of the common things.  Enough of the waffle – on with the boring stuff of the day.

Into work and a slowish day.  Bernard and Jono are at Logisitcs moving the last folk from some of the outer PortaComs to the larger ones that are staying.  Cath and I have a natter as we work.  Building has the gitters (bouncing lots), but we have now put it down to the Grant Thornton building coming down (even though it’s the other side of the Square from us) as nothing else is near enough to shake the place like this.  But we did have a little 3.9 shake at 9:26am.  Energy is up and down today so will watch myself. Get picked up at 1:15 as have a meeting with the Radiation Doctor at 1:35.

The meeting goes well, and discuss what happened over the weekend.  Which is ruled as a crash from the radiation treatment. Also he is keen to get me to decrease the steroids again as I will be on them for 6 months during the Chemo so any break is going to be for me. Probably the last call I have with him too.

Home then and take it easy for a bit as tiring – but interestingly enough, not as much as last week (but I had a lurgy on board then I think).  Quiet evening finishing blog & watching tv – Mrs Brown’s Boys – very funny   Do M&D time & pain killers then think about bed as eyes getting very heavy and it’s been a long day.

Take care all.

Kia Kaha.