3 Too Many

T Day = 28 (Chemo only in weekends) 14 Chemo to go this round.

New record – 7 1/2 hours sleep!! Have slept from 10:30 ish til 6am straight – wondered what the hell the noise next to me was – it was my alarm telling me to take my drugs! So I guess the steroids decrease is starting to help in that I am able to sleep better.  Though I’ve had a longer sleep I feel crappy for it – foggy feeling today and already feeling nauseous from the drugs   and all I’ve had are the anti nausea and stomach lining protection ones!  Body is aching too like I’ve been beaten.  One of these days coming up I feel!  Oh well might be time if needed to break out the extra special anti nausea drugs that stop the first ones making you ill – don’t you love it – they stack the drugs to so they counter each other.

Joh is up early too as she needs to be at the airport by 7:30am as her flight leaves at 9:30.  It is literally a flying visit and has been great to see her – pity it is so short though – but understand.  Sad saying bye – but will see you here or there very soon. Well provided they lift my travel ban – it will be there as give the boys a holiday too at the theme parks (honest its the boys that want to go). Thanks for visiting Joh – wonderful to see you

Keep up the drugs – will be odd not getting up early and having to clock watch to take drugs in 2 weeks time – might even be novel and sleep in!  Hell I might even feel a bit more normal as I’ll drop from 15 drugs a day (not including pain killers) to 7.  Hopefully the energy levels will bounce back too.  This is the stabilisation month to recover and let my blood levels come back a bit, and let the swelling in my brain from the radiation settle as well.  They have even said that I may be able to indulge in a small beer occasionally!

Have a bit of a moment while in the shower thinking about how sometimes I have people saying to me – that what I’m / we’re going through is not all about me – it is also about those around me.  Well there are some days that I think that those that pass those comments need to stop, think and put themselves in my shoes! Empathy not sympathy – and understand the type of cancer that I am dealing with.  I have a terminal brain cancer – therefore I have an unknown amount of time left with unknown effects – where as those left  will keep going long after I’m gone – I accept this – so accept that I accept this but don’t tell me that I’m missing or not watching how others are affected. Also accept that on 16 March when they found the tumors but did not know what they were that everything in my world started to change, then the 30 March news meant that the world as I had it was now a different place – I had to rewrite everything that defined me – I was facing dealing with an unknown amount of time left, with 3 aggressive tumors, with an unknown treatment plan or even what sort of treatment they could provide for – but that’s OK I can deal with this because regardless of what they plan for you either way it’s the same end game. It’s like if I push myself some days its cause I want too – I do know my limits still leave me to it – I’m not a dog that sits on request cause I look tired! I’ll more probably bite. With the tumors and drugs and treatment yes there are mental changes happening – I forget things, I can’t make judgement calls immediately, I need a few minutes to process things sometimes. I hate not having any independence anymore – imagine yourself reading from this point on that you can no longer drive, can’t drink, need 24 hour supervision and can’t do an activity that you love! Work and life plans, travel – all gone.  Welcome to your new reduced life – by the way – it sucks (they don’t tell you that). It is a lot to deal with and process – you suddenly become reliant on others, and some days do really weigh heavily on you  and pee you off no end!  I try to be normal and shelter others from how bad the effects I am suffering are and just suck it up as I don’t want to show the world just how bad some days really get.  But please stop telling me it not all about me – I do realise that! There – grump done – well not really a grump more a just letting you know where my heads at sometimes.  I guess what I’m saying is just cause I’m dealing with what I’ve been dealt – don’t dismiss that as I’m not needing a bit more understanding sometimes – I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool – but I do need to be understood that I am dealing now with visible changes – I have lost my hair, my face is swollen, I have put on weight, but I am also dealing with mental changes – as mentioned above.  If I decide to eat something don’t add your opinion to it  – I may have been dealing with 5 hours of nausea waves and not eaten – I don’t judge or comment on others choices – at 44 I can make my own choices.  I’m here still and intend to be for as long as I can – that is the unknown.  But I am changing – subtly some days, but there are changes – blob in eye, hair loss, clarity thinking, sleeplessness, etc.  I have good days where all is good, I have bad days where I have to hold myself outside the dark places that will consume you if you were so inclined, and stay in control.  Shit happens to all people not just bad or good – as I’ve said before we are dealt what we can handle no matter how hard. 

Having a bad day all round now – can’t think straight, nausea is ruling and pain is starting to be the top dog.  Stronger pain killers not doing a lot so may end up top shelf yet to get on top of this – very sucky!!  Have lunch through the nausea but can bearly move with the pain :- ( – given in to the strong pain killers at 4pm.  The Halswell Pinkies are playing against Western today and go down 3-2 bugger it.  Sorry I couldn’t make it guys – sure you did Halswell proud.

Quiet arvo as it hurts too much to move around.  We have Abigail (niece) over for tea tonight – so doing home-made burgers – yummy  – I will force myself to eat those.  FInish off the grumpy blog today.  Off to take pain killers – strongest I can and other drugs and off to bed I think – need rest.  Getting zapped at 10am tomorrow – yep enjoy the sleep-in folks – I’ll be up at 5:45 as usual to med up and get ready for the day ahead.

Have a good one.

Kia Kaha.